Community Chat

[Yardlie]

It becomes very difficult to see your parent's memory declining. My dad told me my mother's memory was declining when she was in her late 70's. I did not notice it then as I was not living here....just visited occasionally. My dad died in 2011. DH and I were just retiring and moved in with her for about a year while we were building a new house...and put in a small convenience apartment for my mother. She is almost 93 now, and her memory continues to go downhill. We did have her assessed at a memory clinic. She never did drive, so that wasn't an issue. However, my mother's doctor told us that he can order a patient not to drive, even if the DMV does not take away the license. He said he writes the patient and the caregiver a certified letter...and also sends a letter to the auto insurance company if he knows it. He said if the patient injures someone by driving anyway, he can produce his letter, and the auto insurance usually will not cover because the patient violated the physician's order.

I am my mother's sole caregiver, and she battles me every inch of the way. Losing your independence is so difficult for older people. Every day she claims I forgot to give her the morning pills, or gave her the wrong amount of pills. Sometimes she claims she already took them when she didn't. She forgets that she already read the paper and accuses me of not giving her it, so she digs it out of the garbage and reads it again. She is in denial about her dementia. She can chatter away with someone for a long time. They always tell me that she seems fine to them. Then my mother throws that back in my face. Yeah...but 75% of what she said is not true or accurate!

Caregiving is very hard on your own health. It is such a difficult and thankless job. There is usually one sibling who does most of the caregiving. The other siblings float in once or twice a year and have the nerve to tell you how you should change things or to be more patient with Mom. Of course, they never offer to give you a break! Unfortunately, dementia usually only gets worse. Believe me, I know what caregivers are going through. 

[Shanus]

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@Yardliewrote:

It becomes very difficult to see your parent's memory declining. My dad told me my mother's memory was declining when she was in her late 70's. I did not notice it then as I was not living here....just visited occasionally. My dad died in 2011. DH and I were just retiring and moved in with her for about a year while we were building a new house...and put in a small convenience apartment for my mother. She is almost 93 now, and her memory continues to go downhill. We did have her assessed at a memory clinic. She never did drive, so that wasn't an issue. However, my mother's doctor told us that he can order a patient not to drive, even if the DMV does not take away the license. He said he writes the patient and the caregiver a certified letter...and also sends a letter to the auto insurance company if he knows it. He said if the patient injures someone by driving anyway, he can produce his letter, and the auto insurance usually will not cover because the patient violated the physician's order.

I am my mother's sole caregiver, and she battles me every inch of the way. Losing your independence is so difficult for older people. Every day she claims I forgot to give her the morning pills, or gave her the wrong amount of pills. Sometimes she claims she already took them when she didn't. She forgets that she already read the paper and accuses me of not giving her it, so she digs it out of the garbage and reads it again. She is in denial about her dementia. She can chatter away with someone for a long time. They always tell me that she seems fine to them. Then my mother throws that back in my face. Yeah...but 75% of what she said is not true or accurate!

Caregiving is very hard on your own health. It is such a difficult and thankless job. There is usually one sibling who does most of the caregiving. The other siblings float in once or twice a year and have the nerve to tell you how you should change things or to be more patient with Mom. Of course, they never offer to give you a break! Unfortunately, dementia usually only gets worse. Believe me, I know what caregivers are going through. 

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@Yardlie Being an only child it’s tough. Thanks for taking the time to relate your story.

[RealtyGal2]

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@Shanuswrote:

 Mom will be 90 in July, so some forgetfulness is expected. She’s living on her own with an aid 3 hrs. each morning to help w/ showers, dressing, light housekeeping. There is assisted living available on the property of the gated community.

She is mentally sharp & still pays her own bills, checkbook, banking, etc. She’s forgetting which way to turn when in the car, forgets to take cell phone (so driving w/o it in case of emergency), having difficulty remembering what she wanted to say mid-conversation, etc.

My Dad passed away before he got to this point, so no experience with this.

Opinions?

My mother is 95 and lives in a patio home in a gated retirement community by herself. My father passed away in 2007 so we sold the house in 2008 and moved her into a retirement community where she already had some firends.. She hasn't driven for 9 years due to a small fender-bender and the fact that she has always hated driving. She has forgotten names for years, but just recently has slowed down when putting thoughts together. She still has all her faculties, pays her own bills, and runs some of the activities in the community (she is very social), and has a boyfriend who is 90. The community she lives in has her check in every morning so they know she is all right. They also have nurses available 24 hours  If the nurse is called and it is serious, they call me. I feel comfortable with her living arrangements and her safety. She is just starting to slow down due to old age. Her mother lived to be 99.

Your description is very similar to my mother. I would worry about the driving and confusion over directions (I have to nag my mother to take her cell phone. She charges it now, but still forgets it when she goes out.)  I am not a medical professional, but the forgetting which way to turn sounds like you might want to have her checked out for the beginnings of Alsheimers.  They have medications now to delay the symtoms. Just my opinion - hope it helps.

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[Cats3000]

NO!!!  When I need help or a question answered, I go to those who have the knowledge and expertise to give me some good advice and information.  I don't throw it open for discussion and get "opinions".  I go to sources and get facts.

[Tricolor]

@Shanus, haha! I have told my kids just to dump me into a river. I don't want to be a burden to them. When I can't do for myself, then it's time to exit the stage.