Community Chat

[sbrcal]

Thank you for these tips. I'm at the fact/resource gathering stages so all I this is very helpful. My biggest concerns are financial and for my child. I would prefer not to share custody but I dlsi know that I would have to show him to be unfit. It's a challenging thing to prove. I worry that my son will model my husbands behavior and reactions. He is such a naturally happy kid I dont want this to negatively affect him. How can I protect him emotionally, mentally and possibly physically if his father and I divorce and he gets shared custody. Is it worse to stay until he can tell me if something happens. Will his father (and our unhappiness) already have done irreversible damage? Financially, I worry that my husband will lose his job and not provide child support. He tends to implode when stress hits do I expect him to be srlf destructive even if it harms his child. On the other hand he already lashes out at our baby when the baby prefers me to him so he may just refuse to pay to spite us both. Maybe he will do the right thing, he could surprise me I suppose but then if the past is any predictor I have cause to be concerned. I would be fine except I have a ton of graduate school loans which eat away at a huge portion of my very decent income. My job is tenuous. I work for a company which is slowly losing contracts across the nation and I wait on baited breath for notice that I am the next to be laid off. I am currently looking for new employment. We have not combined assets. We have one joint account for paying our lease. We each are supposed to put 50 percent of the rent into that account but I've had to remind him multiple times over the past three months. As far as I'm concerned he can keep it if I can have the couch we jointly purchased and the gift cards remaining from our marriage 2.5 years ago. I don't want spousal support. Heck, i make more than him right now and if I could never have yo deal with him again and could afford to do so I'd give up child support in exchange for full custody. Thank you all for opening up about your experiences. Please kept it coming. It is sincerely appreciated. Please excuse typos. I'm typing on my iPhone with autocorrect enabled...

[SleeplessinSD]

I am married and can offer no helpful suggestions as far as preparing for your divorce. I was wondering if you have family (parents) nearby? I think they could offer tremendous support emotionally and also helping out with your son. At a time like this, I think close family and friends iare extremely important. I wish you best of luck during this painful and difficult time.....

[jewelfool]

Good for you for having the courage to do what's best for you and your child. Go to a lawyer (the best you can find in your area). He will tell you everything you can and cannot do from that point on. In my state, as soon as you see a lawyer, you can't make any financial changes of any kind. You can't take your name off anything nor he yours. BEFORE you see a lawyer, if you can get your hands on any extra money I would suggest you do so. You will have to give a detailed list of all your expenses to be living as a single mother. He will be responsible for a certain percentage of your living expenses. In my state, the father automatically gets 50% custody of a child unless you can prove he's not fit or not otherwise capable...most cases that is not too hard to do. Keep a detailed list of everything he has said and done. Keep in texts or FB posts that your husband may have sent or posted. As someone stated above, if you have not filed taxes ask your lawyer what you should do. My daughter ended up filing married, filing separately....she needed her soon to be ex social security number. In the meantime, he had filed SINGLE which he cannot do. The IRS bases your marital status on what you were on December 31. Good luck....it is a difficult road and process but it can be done and you can live happily after a divorce. Do nothing that will not benefit your child....Encourage your husband to get his own lawyer and let the lawyers earn their money.

[missy1]

Not all states award 50% custody automatically. They do encourage joint custody. I would check the box sole custody on the petition (meaning legal/physical) and sees what he does. He will then just get visitation. You could also have joint custody, you being the primary custodial parent. It is important for some to get sole custody, and not financial (alimony). That's what mediation is for. Most courts offer it. Here it is free.

[missy1]

The other poster is correct, you can't change policies etc. He can't take you off car/health insurance. You can't, like wise.You know you are going to file, so even doing it before can be problems down the road. Like you can't sell things. (cars etc.) Some states are community property states, so you get half.

[MaxieMoo88]

You need to do what's best for you and your child. Be strong and keep the faith.

[jeanlake]

On 3/16/2015 MaxieMoo said:

You need to do what's best for you and your child. Be strong and keep the faith.

Great advice, MaxieMoo.

l'll add -- love yourself enough that when someone tries to rob your self esteem, you'll have enough reserve to keep moving forward. A phrase women need to learn is.. This is NOT acceptable. It sounds like this is where you are, sbrcal.

Husband and I both have extended family who function in a spirit of deceit. They are poison to their relationships. Deceit is a good thing to expel from your life. Blessings and all good things to you. You will survive.

[BORN AGAIN]

Plot and Plan. And get an excellent lawyer.

[jewelfool]

You know, Yorkieonmypillow...you have some very valid and important points. I said earlier to the OP, "good for you," but your points are something that every mother should think about before she leaves. I'm a fan of Dr. Laura and she preaches this constantly....unless you are in danger, stay so that you can supervise your child all the time. If not, your ex and whomever he is with will have your child without you knowing anything that's going on. I just had this discussion with my neighbor yesterday who is going through a bitter divorce and her sons are with their father and his new GF that has had HER children taken away from her...it's a scary situation to not be able to protect your child. Thanks for bringing this up.

[missy1]

Yes I also agree that, Yorkieonmypillow, made some valid points................. Should the Op stay in an unhealthy marriage? For how long? Does the op leave their child alone with the father now? These issues can be addressed in court. You said for Op to not get a divorce, but she has no control if her husband decides too.