Community Chat

[Noel7]

"In psychology, suppression is the act of stopping yourself from thinking or feeling something. It is generally presumed to be ineffective because even if you suppress or hold back an emotion, like anger, that feeling returns with a vengeance."

[Jill2dot0]

I totally understand, my mom was a stay at home mom, and she was super bored, she also had some kind of back injury (to this day all I can figure out is sciatica).  She turned to drink, and lots of Rx drugs ... all while my dad was working (he was a farmer, and worked long hours).

One time she passed out while sunbathing (she got badly sunburned) ... that was quite the mess, and I'd tried to wake her up several times.  I was probably around 7 at this time.

I still have some bad feelings about it, but I try to look at it this way - she was unhappy, unhealthy, and unstable ... 

All my younger brother (and we, and his family have a wonderful relationship), remembers is mom being "mad all the time", and "sick all the time".  

I'm glad that's all he remembers.

[NycVixen]

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@ANewHue wrote:

@Moonchilde   I could have written your post.  My mother is still alive but she is severely ill.   We were there for all our parents when they were dying but I predicted many decades ago what we are living through now.  On top of everything I just learned she made a mess of her estate and will be leaving me years of grief.  She wasn't a terrible person but no happy memories here  for sure.   Although she has grandchildren and great grandchildren (not mine) no one cares about her.  Boy, what a legacy she is leaving.  We have been running ourselves ragged for months and for one day she was herself.  I believe everything happens for a reason and I took the opportunity to blast her.  It makes me sad that she took me to that point.  With all you do and did for her it was never enough.  She is just a very ungrateful person.  She was always nicer to complete strangers. I just want to begin the healing process and live a life free of all this once and for all.

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@ANewHue@MoonchildeAs you may know, I'm dealing with a mother like this.

Moonchilde, this will sound harsh perhaps, but you're free. ANewHue and I are still dealing with them and I know you know how hard that was. I know that my mom's passing will be the only way I'll be really free because she always finds a way to hurt me even if I'm not talking to her.  My dad against my wishes decided to leave a monetary gift there, that she decided to take from me and send to my sister.

I wish her the best but I know that she's incapable of stopping her hatred and negativity on this earth. I think it's a good thing that you're realizing these things so you can let them go. In time, don't worry you will.

It's your time to be happy now. That day is closer than you think.

[Noel7]

The death of an abusive or non-loving parent can be much more difficult to deal with than dealing with one who is still living.  It's the end of hope that things will change, that mom or dad will finally tell you they are sorry, that they love you.

The death of a hurtful parent can produce more pain than the death of a good parent.

[reiki604]

@Moonchilde I relate to your post in more ways than one. I came to certain realizations about my mom and our relationship that were difficult to deal with. Just know that there is support and compassion out here for your past experiences. It is part of your story but not your definition.

[mistriTsquirrel]

My grandmother died recently, and I've been struggling with the guilt of being angry at her.

When my dad was dying, he was asking for his mom.  When my mother called to ask my grandmother if she would come to see her dying son, my grandmother said, "wouldn't it be better if I came after?"

That one question--more than anything else she's ever said or done--really drove the point home that the woman had ice running through her veins.

I don't understand it.  I don't understand how a mother can deny her dying son that last chance to see her.

I imagine he had fantasies of her comforting him and telling him she loved him and was proud of him, and I'm sure her attempts at that would've fallen short, but I cannot forgive her for not even trying.

I felt so incredibly bad for him when he asked again if she was coming, and we had to tell him no.  We told him she wasn't well enough to fly, but that was a lie.  We also didn't tell him that his sister (who was a teacher) had had her spring break the week before and had opted to spend it taking a trip with her boyfriend instead of visiting her dying brother.

I know this is all over and done with, and my dad is dead, but it still hurts my heart to think about it.

I'm sorry you're having to wrestle with the feelings you have, @Moonchilde.  It's a lot harder said than done to "get over" the bad feelings.  I was fortunate that my dad and I were able to come to some sort of understanding before he died; I'm very grateful for that.  I'm sorry you weren't able to have that sort of experience with your mother.

[NycVixen]

Noel7, I truly hope that is not my case. I will pray that no one else has to go through more suffering after that type of parent has passed.

In my case, suffering miscarriages and seeing how heartless she is was the last straw. She's my mother but she lived her life. I decided to be happy without her. If she ever needs me in an emergency, she knows where I am.

Misery loves company and I've left the building.

[DSD2]

What struck me as particularly poignant was "No happy holiday memories in a house full of warmth...Just, basically, self-interest and selfishness". Your raw, real, palpable pain is heartbreaking.

While I cannot relate to your story, I wish you peace and comfort.

I have no answers. I might suggest that you take heed from your painful experience and build your life very differently. Love generously and often. Be kind in your words and in your deeds. Keep an open heart and be free with your praise. Think of others before yourself. Surround yourself with those who care about you. I am certain there are many. Take care to include others who may be alone.

While we can't erase the past, it is part of us. That said, we do have the choice to live our lives in the kindest way possible.

I wish you all the best.

[Drythe]

@Moonchilde

I am sorry that you are dealing with this.

Although my mother was present in the home we had no relationship.  I remember not a single word of praise or encouragement to me, or about me to others.

What I DO remember is manipulation, rank jealously, gleeful taking of beloved, important items & people, put downs, harsh, mean criticism and name calling, and lots of hitting.

I left home before age 17 and soon realized that this was not love, that it never had been love, and was never going to be love no matter how fast I danced.  I distanced myself from her and when she died I felt sad that her life had ended, but no personal loss. I too understand a bit of why she was the way she was, but it doesn't change my pain and my lack of a mother.

Do I wish I had had the loving, kind, generous, respectful, "she was my best friend" mother / daughter relations I hear about?  You bet.  But I never had it and while I wish I had, I certainly can't go back  and create it, although I tried for a long time.  It takes two after all.

Please don't beat yourself up.

[Noel7]

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@NycVixen wrote:

Noel7, I truly hope that is not my case. I will pray that no one else has to go through more suffering after that type of parent has passed.

In my case, suffering miscarriages and seeing how heartless she is was the last straw. She's my mother but she lived her life. I decided to be happy without her. If she ever needs me in an emergency, she knows where I am.

Misery loves company and I've left the building.

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@NycVixen

I hope it's easier for you.  IMO support groups can be beneficial in dealing with grief or issues with parents.  Of course a good leader is necessary.