1. It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Fred Allen
2. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
3. Money won't make you happy...but everybody wants to find out for themselves.
Zig Zigler
4. If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck
Elvis Presley
5. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.
Ellen Degeneres
6. I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.
Will Rogers
7. "Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat."
Harry Emerson Fosdick
8. Life is like a sewer...what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Tom Lehrer
9. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Dali Lama
10. A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey.
Dolly Parton
11. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Will Rogers.
1. Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of a sentence.
Me: You mean the period?
Client: I don't care what you designers call it; it's unsightly. Delete it.
2. When asking for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, "Marc, with a C." Minutes later he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side:
Cark.
3. Designer to the client: "It doesn't look purple, it looks more like a mixture of red and blue." Okaaaaaaaay.
4. A twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino's Pizza customer.
Customer: I ordered Pizza and it came with no toppings on it, it's just bread.
Domino's: We're sorry to hear about this.
Customer: (minutes later) Never mind. I opened the pizza upside down.
5. Mary goes to the Post Office to buy 50 stamps for her Hanuka cards. "What denominations?" asked the clerk. Mary thinks a second before before replying, "Give me six Orthodox, 12 Commiserate, and 32 Reform."
6. I spoke to a local restaurant to ask if it was on the north or south side o Main Street. T person on the other end answered, "That depends on which direction you are coming from."
7 Scene: Using the Sir app on my iPhone:
Me: Sir', Call my wife.
Sir: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts.
Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife.
Sir: I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife.
Me: Call my wife.
Sir: Which wife?
8. Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: What? I thought the B stood for bread.
Authors Unknown
The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
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