This is heartbreaking. I weep as I write, and I walked away from the computer several times... not knowing if I can share what I know. But it might help someone. I have far too much experience with suicide. With attempts and loved ones who have slipped away off the edges of the earth. It's truly not a selfish act, yet I understand people thinking that especially when a loved one is gone -- it's the anger part of grief, and also a part of trying to understand the tragedy.
I want to try and explain as I did to a friend not long ago. Those of us who have been engulfed in the black, sick, painful fog of depression and actually attempted suicide fall into the abyss of a mind that isn't working properly. So, a person doesn't and can't carefully think about the things they'd normally think about, they don't and can't reason properly. It's very hard to describe to someone who hasn't experienced it, and also I realize I only can tell you how it is for me and for those people I know personally who have taken time to try and describe their own experiences. I've been an inpatient several times, and in groups, and in private therapy, and we do try to understand, we try to help each other, and sometimes we are hanging on by a wisp of a thread of hope... not always strong enough to save us.
From the outside looking in, others think that a person would consider things more logically. But the fact is that the suicidal brain doesn't process that way. It "can't compute."
It's as if your brain were replaced by something else, something unrecognizable and scary, and rational reasoning and all the love and good memories have gone into hiding. Compare it to anything that hijacks our mind, takes us off course, and twists us into a foreign, alien being... and that's what happens. And this explains why it's so hard to keep the mind from "going there" and taking over like a hallucinating, turbulent, menacing fever. You might even feel as though you are standing apart and looking at yourself from a distance, almost within a touch-reach but not quite close enough. It just occurred to me... it makes me think of the old movie, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," except that our mind, not the body, gets replaced by an alien. So, it's a problem, and unfair, for people to condemn others by saying they were selfish to try and hurt themselves or to die that way. When we are drowning in anguish and profound pain, it's not a sign that we've selfishly forgotten or denied the love or denied those people we cherish. The love can live on, and we only can hope others can find help or healing that will permit them at least a modicum of time more on this earth.
We shouldn't condemn anyone who passed away after a tough battle with any disease, and depression is one of those diseases. Even the best help isn't always enough.
Apologies if this isn't well-written. I extend my love, my prayers, and deepest condolences to all of you who have lost those you love, and to those of you who know this struggle personally. You are my family.❤️
Few things reveal your intellect and your generosity of spirit—the parallel powers of your heart and mind—better than how you give feedback.~Maria Popova
Blogs & Forums
