Super Contributor
Posts: 280
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Just me needing to get some stuff out...will probably be boring to most.

I apologize in advance for this post. It's kinda journally type of stuff but seeing as I do not have a journal and really need to get my feelings out, this is my only medium right now. I apologize for taking up space.

Ok sp the docs are always telling that I stess WAY to much and that I need to find a way to relax. Ummm ok?! I have panic disorder of course I worry and stess all the time! That really bothers me though because I know they are right. I know its not healthy. I read somewhere that MANY health conditions boil down to stress and believe it. But how in the world am I supposed to do that? I am a stay at home mom with three kids 7, 4, and 3 come on now. The gym is supposed to be my destressing time but I am constantly thinking about stuff while I am there. Cross stitching is supposed to be another one but mind wanders. It's the the only break I get from stressing and worrying and overthinking is when I am asleep. I know that stress is doing me no favor but I cannot stop it.

My bio mom. I have figured out that I am never going to get over her death....ever. People say it gets easier but I doesn't. Last week we went and met a lot of my bio family they were all amazing but it was SO emotionally draining.

My ED. I have such a love hate relationship with it. I love that it gives me the drive to stay tiny. But when you are 5'7 and 119 lbs and then you gain 6lbs and and are so digusted with yourself that you contemplate not so nice things that where it gets ugly and stops being your friend.

My OCD. My house, oh my house. I spend night and day cleaning it only for the kids to make it look like I never bothered. Do you have any idea what its like to have OCD about your house being perfect and having three small kids? Impossible. But I keep going.

Having a dh that is a saint that you know you don't deserve. My Dh is SO amazing he has held my hand through everything and been as understanding and supportive as humanly possible. But I worry that he has reached his breaking point. Where he is just sick of all of it. So I try to hid as much as it as possible. Everyone tells me that he loves me and that if he was sick of it all he would leave but they dont know him. He is too good of a guy for that. No matter how miserable he was he would never walk away. And here comes the guilt again....poor guy did not sign up for this...

And to top it all off figuring out that you are pretty much damaged beyond repair emotionally and that no amount of therapy is ever going to fix you...and knowing your are only 27 and while there are alot of good times to be had in my future there are also going to be alot of hard ones too and not knowing how many more "hard times" you can handle.

Again sorry about all this but I really needed to get it out.