Community Chat

[lolakimono]

I found some "funnies" on the web.

My husband, who uses a wheelchair, showed up at his eye doctor’s for an appointment. The receptionist checked the schedule, then said, "The nurse will call you in a moment. Have a seat."

He smiled. "Done."

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won’t let us in a restaurant with pets."

Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. The maître d’ stops them, saying, "Sir, you can’t bring your dog in here."

"But I’m blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."

The maître d’, apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.

His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. "You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d’ says.

"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"

After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. "About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?"

"Neither," she said. "It’s a fish."

After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help. She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.

A patient at the dental office where I work stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients do when they have a check to write. "Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag, and proceeded to pay in cash.

"I’ll miss you, Great-Grandma," wrote my mother’s great-grandson in an e-mail he sent before shipping out to Iraq.

"I’ll miss you too, dear," she responded. "Stay safe. LOL, Great-Grandma."

Poor Mom didn’t realize that LOL doesn’t stand for "lots of love."

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.

"Great," she said.

I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.

"I don’t want this box," she said abruptly. "It’s been opened."

Days after we invaded Marja, Afghanistan, one of my Marines found out his wife hadn’t paid the cell phone bill. He called the company and asked how he could settle up.

"You can go to Western Union and place a money order," the billing agent told him.

"Ma’am, I’m in Marja, Afghanistan," he explained. "We don’t have Western Unions."

"No problem. You can also go to Walmart."

Scene: A gas station in Canada

Customer: Excuse me. Why won’t my debit card work on the pump?
Owner: Are you using an American card?
Customer: Yes.
Owner: American cards don’t work at the pump.
Customer: You should put up a sign.
Owner: We did, above the card slot.
Customer: Oh. Well, I don’t read Canadian.

The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. "Regular?" she asked her customer.

"Yes, thank you," said the man. "Due to a steady diet of fruit."

I was preparing lunch for my granddaughter when the phone rang. “If you can answer one question,” a young man said, “you’ll win ten free dance lessons.”

Before I could tell him I was not interested, he continued. “You’ll be a lucky winner if you can tell me what Alexander Graham Bell invented.”

“I don’t know,” I replied dryly, trying to discourage him.

“What are you holding in your hand right now?” he asked excitedly.

“A bologna sandwich.”

“Congratulations!” he shrieked. “And for having such a great sense of humor…”