Community Chat

[stazgirl]

---

@ROMARY wrote:

What a senseless tragedy.  RIP.  Too bad that beautiful young women have to be so dependent on their dates/boyfriends/etc. for their happiness.  Some get into all sorts of troubles/problems for being too serious, way too soon.  Wait a year or two, see what happens, or doesn't happen, in the relationship.  Then, 'move on by' when necessary.

---

I do not remember reading that this had ANYTHING to do with the loss of the relationship.. That is an assumption.  The depression that followed the end of the relationship may have "been the straw that broke the camels back" but most suicides are the result of many many many straws, not one person.

[stazgirl]

---

@IamMrsG wrote:

Suicide  The permanent solution for a temporary problem

---

Unfornunately, deep depression is a mental condition, so different from just depression or sadness over a situation.  Deep CLINICAL depression is not cured, EVER.. it can be lessened over time with the right help, but not cured. 

[chickenbutt]

Hey again, Stazgirl!  Oh, trust me, I know every word of which you speak. 

Well, except for losing a child as I never had kids, I understand it all in spades.     I'm the one who was suicidal since I was a small child.  I suffered every kind of abuse that comes to mind by the time I hit kindergarten.  I remember once trying to hang myself as a very small child.

My first serious attempt was as a teenager.  Remember those huge bottles of aspirin?  They were Norwich brand (I'll never forget that bottle) and they came in bottles of 250.  I slammed down almost the whole thing.

I'll tell you what - I'm really hard to kill.   That was not my last attempt but I think it was a catalyst and probably also the thing that ended up becoming this heinous tinnitis problem that has become almost unbearable at times.

Anyway, I took them and even wrote a note (only time I did a note).  I thought there was no doubt that I would die.   Imagine my shock and disdain when I woke up.  Oh man - I was vomiting and in pure h-e-double-L.  I remember crying at my mother's (like she would care - stupid me) bedroom door that night.  I felt so awful.  Of course, all she did was scream at me to shut up and go back to bed or I'd be beat if I uttered another peep.  Anyway, got through that miserable night and all I felt was that  - yup, she must be right.  I'm so worthless and stupid that I can't even kill myself right.

Anyway, blah blah blah - more life experiences, more abuses, more despondency and there were more attempts.  After that it was always prescription meds.  I never had a drug problem or any of that stuff that some attribute to suicides.  I had PTSD and severe clinical depression that stemmed from the many years of sexual, verbal, physical, and psychological abuses and humiliations.  Oh, she loved to humiliate me.  

I was to learn that it was her own self-loathing that she manifested onto me.  I cannot speak to why I received the sexual abuses from some of her husbands and others, including a couple of preachers.   What that was about, I cannot say.   But, clearly, it, along with the other abuses, became a fairly large part of who I grew up to be.

After my last attempt I ended up learning two things - 1)  Never tell a friend; and 2) never get caught.  I went through some stuff that found me being taken by the police and my choices were either I go to the PD or I go to the hospital.  I went to the hospital and had to drink all this charcoal stuff and had a wretched time, then I had to spend 3 terrifying days at the psych hospital.  

But the good that came out of that is that I went to a psychiatrist and she counseled me and prescribed meds, then I had to follow that up with psychologist sessions.  I got a lot of great tools from my wonderful psychologist.  She also specialized in PTSD, so that was beyond helpful.

Had that for several years, then a time came when I was no longer able to continue so I've been on my own since.  Haven't done anything but I still struggle and wish for death frequently.  I don't have medical care anymore so the only time I manage to get my hands on meds, for pain and sometimes for my severe sleep problem, is from people who help me.  So, being the ultra-mega-responsible person that I am, I could NEVER use those to 'off' myself.  So, I carry on and have been here for 60 years now.

Sorry this is so long and I probably shouldn't share so much but sometimes I'm compelled to do so.  If ONE person hears me and doesn't feel so alone, that is just awesome.  I mean that to my core.  If my horrible life can help somebody feel like maybe they can make it, or not be so alone, or feel like maybe they have more choices, that's the best.

I'm damaged to the hilt.  But I know I'm not alone in that.  I always felt so alone growing up and never felt safe.  I have to admit I still often feel alone.   Others don't understand, and I understand that so it's ok.   I do make sure I feel safe, though, and most of the time I am not terrified.  The nightmares have finally become less and I'm grateful for that.   I have my husband, my puppy boy, my birdie boy, and the little birdies outside all of whom I love to the ends of the earth.  I guess that's a lot and it needs to be.

(Yikes, again - sorry so long!)  

[stazgirl]

---

@ashleigh dupray wrote:

just curious, @stazgirldo you have a source that cites Jim Carrey's bi-polar disorder?

everything online indicates he has suffered from depression only. He did say he was on Prozac but that medication  alone, with no mood stabilizer,  is usually not indicated for bi-polar disorder.

i'm very sorry for your loss of your son, and your daughter's struggle, i had not read the rest of your posts when i replied.

bi-polar is difficult to treat. there are newer medications on the market, but i'm not convinced that the atypical antipsychotics are the right way to go. there is a keystone med that many people won't even try. it can be a lifesaver. compliance is never easy.

best wishes to you and your daughter. 

---

I only know what I have read in the media about Jim, I DO NOT know him personally,   geesh, AND THANK YOU< but having a daughter diagnosed with bi-polar, and helping her deal with it for the last 18 yrs,  I DO know what does or does not help it. and yes, most of the times a combo of drugs is needed.  She has tried everything that comes along, most plateau after awhile or have severe side effects, what drug is it that you are talking about?  

[cotton4me]

@chickenbutt

(((Chickenbutt))) You’re so very brave! I’m sorry you had to endure such pain in your life. Thank you for sharing your story. I have no doubt that it will help others. And hopefully it will also help people to understand more about suicide. I just have to say what a remarkable person you are.

[cotton4me]

I wanted to post this for people who've been affected by suicide.  It's part of something written by Norman Vincent Peale. 

"A few years ago, when a young man died by his own hand, a service for him was conducted by his pastor, the Rev. Weston Stevens. What he said that day expresses far more eloquently than I can, the message that I’m trying to convey. Here are some of his words:
“Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is real to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and his strength. At last these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he had lost the war. But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won!
“For one thing, he has won our admiration, because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could. We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindnesses and thoughtfulness, through his love for family and friends, for animals and books and music, for all things beautiful, lovely and honorable. We shall remember not his last day of defeat, but we shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years that he had. Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know, and understands.”

[chickenbutt]

---

cottonball wrote:

@chickenbutt

(((Chickenbutt))) You’re so very brave! I’m sorry you had to endure such pain in your life. Thank you for sharing your story. I have no doubt that it will help others. And hopefully it will also help people to understand more about suicide. I just have to say what a remarkable person you are.

---

Thank You, Cottonball, for your amazing and generous kindness.   But, no, I'm not remarkable at all.  I'm just like many other people and I know we have all had our trials and tribulations in life.  Mine are mine and, with many, MANY huge stumbles I have just tried to do my best.  

I have failed more than I have succeeded.   That's kind of a built-in thing when traumas become a large part of who you are.  But, hey, who doesn't stumble?      The only good childhood memories I have are from teachers, and others OUTSIDE the household who were kind to me.  I have never forgotten them and never will.   They were probably the only thing that kept me from becoming a serial killer or something.  ha!  Ok, not funny at all but, in retrospect, sometimes all we have are the kindnesses of others.

[tansy]

Hearting your post seems wrong, @chickenbutt, but I'm applauding your honesty and bravery.  

[stazgirl]

---

@chickenbutt wrote:

Hey again, Stazgirl!  Oh, trust me, I know every word of which you speak. 

Well, except for losing a child as I never had kids, I understand it all in spades.     I'm the one who was suicidal since I was a small child.  I suffered every kind of abuse that comes to mind by the time I hit kindergarten.  I remember once trying to hang myself as a very small child.

My first serious attempt was as a teenager.  Remember those huge bottles of aspirin?  They were Norwich brand (I'll never forget that bottle) and they came in bottles of 250.  I slammed down almost the whole thing.

I'll tell you what - I'm really hard to kill.   That was not my last attempt but I think it was a catalyst and probably also the thing that ended up becoming this heinous tinnitis problem that has become almost unbearable at times.

Anyway, I took them and even wrote a note (only time I did a note).  I thought there was no doubt that I would die.   Imagine my shock and disdain when I woke up.  Oh man - I was vomiting and in pure h-e-double-L.  I remember crying at my mother's (like she would care - stupid me) bedroom door that night.  I felt so awful.  Of course, all she did was scream at me to shut up and go back to bed or I'd be beat if I uttered another peep.  Anyway, got through that miserable night and all I felt was that  - yup, she must be right.  I'm so worthless and stupid that I can't even kill myself right.

Anyway, blah blah blah - more life experiences, more abuses, more despondency and there were more attempts.  After that it was always prescription meds.  I never had a drug problem or any of that stuff that some attribute to suicides.  I had PTSD and severe clinical depression that stemmed from the many years of sexual, verbal, physical, and psychological abuses and humiliations.  Oh, she loved to humiliate me.  

I was to learn that it was her own self-loathing that she manifested onto me.  I cannot speak to why I received the sexual abuses from some of her husbands and others, including a couple of preachers.   What that was about, I cannot say.   But, clearly, it, along with the other abuses, became a fairly large part of who I grew up to be.

After my last attempt I ended up learning two things - 1)  Never tell a friend; and 2) never get caught.  I went through some stuff that found me being taken by the police and my choices were either I go to the PD or I go to the hospital.  I went to the hospital and had to drink all this charcoal stuff and had a wretched time, then I had to spend 3 terrifying days at the psych hospital.  

But the good that came out of that is that I went to a psychiatrist and she counseled me and prescribed meds, then I had to follow that up with psychologist sessions.  I got a lot of great tools from my wonderful psychologist.  She also specialized in PTSD, so that was beyond helpful.

Had that for several years, then a time came when I was no longer able to continue so I've been on my own since.  Haven't done anything but I still struggle and wish for death frequently.  I don't have medical care anymore so the only time I manage to get my hands on meds, for pain and sometimes for my severe sleep problem, is from people who help me.  So, being the ultra-mega-responsible person that I am, I could NEVER use those to 'off' myself.  So, I carry on and have been here for 60 years now.

Sorry this is so long and I probably shouldn't share so much but sometimes I'm compelled to do so.  If ONE person hears me and doesn't feel so alone, that is just awesome.  I mean that to my core.  If my horrible life can help somebody feel like maybe they can make it, or not be so alone, or feel like maybe they have more choices, that's the best.

I'm damaged to the hilt.  But I know I'm not alone in that.  I always felt so alone growing up and never felt safe.  I have to admit I still often feel alone.   Others don't understand, and I understand that so it's ok.   I do make sure I feel safe, though, and most of the time I am not terrified.  The nightmares have finally become less and I'm grateful for that.   I have my husband, my puppy boy, my birdie boy, and the little birdies outside all of whom I love to the ends of the earth.  I guess that's a lot and it needs to be.

(Yikes, again - sorry so long!)  

---

My heart cries for you, BUT on the other hand, I commend you!  As you know, YOU can not control your past, but you can control your future, but with mental issues, you can not control all aspects of your life, the demons control a large portion of it..  I DO UNDERSTAND your fight and your loneliness, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, far more people than will ever admit, feel lost and alone.  your life has not been a testiment of your strength,  KEEP FIGHTING!,   These things NEED to be talked about...the hoity toity need to stop and listen to people, REALLY listen, not just "talk" about mental health BUT DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT>>   these are ALL people worthy of a full life, not to be cut down and shamed.

[stazgirl]

---

@cotton4me wrote:

I wanted to post this for people who've been affected by suicide.  It's part of something written by Norman Vincent Peale. 

"A few years ago, when a young man died by his own hand, a service for him was conducted by his pastor, the Rev. Weston Stevens. What he said that day expresses far more eloquently than I can, the message that I’m trying to convey. Here are some of his words:
“Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is real to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and his strength. At last these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he had lost the war. But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won!
“For one thing, he has won our admiration, because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for his bravery on the battlefield. And we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could. We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindnesses and thoughtfulness, through his love for family and friends, for animals and books and music, for all things beautiful, lovely and honorable. We shall remember not his last day of defeat, but we shall remember the many days that he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years that he had. Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know, and understands.”

---

BEAUTIFUL!