1. When you're self employed, talking to yourself is a staff meeting.
2. Being An Adult, in three easy steps.
1) Get a job so you can afford life.
2) Work so hard you have no time to live a fun life
3) Repeat daily
3. What's a haunted chicken?
(a poultry-geist)
What's a henwy?
(about 5 pounds)
4. When you get angry take a breath and count to 10.
Throw a punch at 8.
Nobody expects that!
5. Just got attacked by 6 dwarfs.
Not Happy.
6. I'll never forget my dad's face when I gave him his 50th birthday card, tears in his eyes, as he said to me, "One would have done."
7. A father was washing his car with his son and the son asked, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
8. One day, a police officer pulled a car over and sees the backseat full of penguins. The officer tells the driver, "You can't be doing this, you need to take them to the zoo."
The next day, the police officer pulls the same car over again and says, "Hey!! I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" The driver says, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the movies."
9. A guy goes to the eye doctor. He says, "I have trouble seeing things at a distance." The doctor takes him over to a window, points to the sky, and says, "What do you see up there?" the guy says, "The sun." Doc says, "That's right." So exactly HOW far do you need to see, dude?
10. A man asks a librarian, "Do you have any books about turtles?" The Librarian says, "Hardback?" The man says, "Yeah, with the little heads."
11. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
12. There are 2 kinds of people. Some wash their dishes because they just ate; the others wash their dishes because they are just about to eat.
13. If you're waiting to be served in a restaurant, shouldn't you be called the waiter?
14. When you rob a bank, you can stop worrying about rent, food, and bills for several years - regardless of whether you get caught or not.
15. You know how you pull the smart phone out of your pocket to check the time? We're really going back to the era of pocket watches.
16. Baby sitters are teenagers who behave like grown-ups so that grown-ups can go out and behave like teenagers.
17. Flushing in public toilets should be done by foot pedals!!!
18. To answer the question if a glass is half full or half empty depends on whether the glass has just been filled or emptied.
19. Father looks hard at a teenage son, "James, you've been adopted." James jumps up, "Adopted!" I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents.." Father laughs, "No, no James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.
20. What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common?
"I will make it home."
21. A boy and his father go together for a boy's day out at the zoo. "Daddy, I don't like how that gorilla's looking at me from behind that glass, she's scary" says the boy. "Shush Jason, says the father, this is still only the ticket office."
22. I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work. But that stingy jerk told me to get my own.
23. Job interview in a psychiatry office:
"So you're interested in working with us. What is your
experience with mentally disturbed people?"
--
"I've been on Facebook for 5 years now."
--
"Very Good, the job is yours."
24. Husband looks at his wife in surprise, "Wow darling," you look all different and nice today, is that a new hairdo?"
The wife hisses from behind him, "I'm over here Arnold."
25. That moment when you switch off the light in the cellar and then run out as if the hounds of Hell were at your tail
(Oh yes, I personally remember those days, I ran up the stairs like the devil himself was chasing me.)
The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
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