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Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,420
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: It is normal for parents to follow when adult children move away?

I do not think it is the norm, but that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with doing it.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,810
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: It is normal for parents to follow when adult children move away?

I don't know if it is the norm, but parents could move to be with their children, and then the children move again. Do you really want to follow them all over? Kids aren't always stable about living in a certain place until after a few years anyway.

mm

"Cats are like potato chips, you can never have just one".
Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,997
Registered: ‎03-25-2012

Re: It is normal for parents to follow when adult children move away?

My ex moved us from North Jersey to Virginia/DC area within one year of our marriage. I had already had one baby. He told me he was "transferred," but I found out in later years that he requested the transfer to get away from my family whom he hated.

Thereafter, I had four babies in four and a half years, only saw my dear mom maybe once or twice a year, never saw my dear sister and her children (my children and her children . . . cousins, were like strangers and never close). Four months before my mother died when she was only 49, I took my two youngest babies (18 months and 2 months old) and stayed with my mom for the last four months of her life. None of my children remember her, although they did spend some time with my father at the shore after she died. My ex didn't mind him so much because he never talked.

That's eight years of my mother's life that I never got to have, that he deliberately took away from me. I would understand a little more if my mother had been overbearing and preachy (as his mother was) but she was the sweetest and least imposing person I ever knew. I remember once when I was helping her bathe and before she got to the really sick and out-of-it stage, telling her a little bit about my life with this man, and her saying to me "stay with him, he's your husband, and the father of your children." I did not take her advice and left him three years later.

More than anything else he did to me, I hate him for that. He still lives in CA with his third wife and her entire family who all pitch in to take care of him (he had a stroke ten plus years ago). They feed him, cater to him, do everything for him and if he still had his wits about him, he would probably hate them too. He wound up with the perfect karma, IMO.

In the 30s and 40s, families lived together or very nearby because no one could afford living separately. After the war was over in the 50s and 60s, it was "get as far away as you can." It's a cyclical thing, IMO. All I know is what I missed out on, and what my kids missed out on since my beloved sister is gone now too, and I will always resent that I had to spend those eight years in VA away from those I loved, and never wanted to be there.

Now, three of my daughters (none of whom stayed married) live near me. Two close by (20 minutes) and one only 55 miles away. I have one daughter who moved to Philly and might as well be in a foreign country because we never see her. But at least I have most of my family and my grandchildren nearby. I don't know why anyone would not want that.

Formerly Ford1224
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Elie Wiesel 1986
Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,774
Registered: ‎10-01-2013

Re: It is normal for parents to follow when adult children move away?

It is NOT normal, if the children wanted their parents near by they would choose to live near them. These parents may as well be stalkers. These young couples need the space and the chance to be independent.

Super Contributor
Posts: 1,113
Registered: ‎08-13-2013

Re: It is normal for parents to follow when adult children move away?

I don't think it is anyones business what parents do and I believe when they do decide to be near their children they have already talked it over with them.
Super Contributor
Posts: 4,044
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: It is normal for parents to follow when adult children move away?

Some people do not know how to let their children grow up and live their own lives.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 3,697
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: It is normal for parents to follow when adult children move away?

On 10/20/2014 RetRN said:

It is NOT normal, if the children wanted their parents near by they would choose to live near them. These parents may as well be stalkers. These young couples need the space and the chance to be independent.

Sometimes children need to move where the jobs are and if the parents are retired and they want to be close to each other, that's up to them. Just because it doesn't work for one family doesn't mean it's not normal.

It's always a victory for me when I remember why I entered a room.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,426
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: It is normal for parents to follow when adult children move away?

I think those on here who have a need to insult or be rude to those who have no problem with moving to where their adult kids are. Have this need because they either do not have a good relationship with their kids or their kids are too young and they have bad relationships with their parents. So to them it seems abnormal or not healthy or helicopter parentish.

Get over yourselves. It is sad that the only way for you to communicate is to belittle someone else. Guess you learned that from your family. Maybe you should live apart since manners is not your strong suit.

Now that doesn't feel good does it? Well neither does reading some of your rude responses. Not everyone has a bad relationship with their kids. Maybe because I raised my daughter as a single parent I don't have all the marital baggage that would effect our relationship. As I guess some of you do. That is sad. Oh well I can only wish your children move far away and want nothing to do with you for their sake.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,810
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: It is normal for parents to follow when adult children move away?

Ford, thank you for sharing. I feel so bad for you losing all that time with your Mom . My Mom died of cancer when I was twelve. Before that, my cousins lived in Mn. and we in SD. In those days, we didn't travel much. So barely got to know them either. You and I are about the same age, I am 76.

In reading your always welcome posts, I think you have always made the best of a bad situation.{#emotions_dlg.wub}

mm

"Cats are like potato chips, you can never have just one".
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,641
Registered: ‎04-05-2010

Re: It is normal for parents to follow when adult children move away?

We know a couple who lived in the same town all their lives, owned their home, both had good jobs, friends and family in and around this town. Daughter (only child) married and moved several hundred miles away. After the 1st grandchild was born, the couple gave up everything to move near her--and she wanted them to do so.

Fast forward 10 years---daughter divorced, moved back to home state-different town-took the grandchildren with her, remarried. Now the couple is stuck, because they are too close to retirement to be comfortable with giving up jobs, etc. They just can't afford to start all over again at this point.