Community Chat

[blackhole99]

Abuse and neglect IMO have nothing to do with self worth, you either have it or you have to learn it. People who are priviledged in every way are not necessarily the most self confident.

[dex]

@JBKO @My mother was similar to yours but I overcame my low self esteem the moment I became a parent.I knew that I had to be strong and show my son that I was able to keep him safe.I learned to stand up for him and myself at the same time.i focused on giving him all of the tools he would need to be proud of himself,his accomplishments and also to care about and be kind to others.He grew into a fine person that I am so proud of.A former gfs parents described him as having a quiet confidence about himself that they admired and I love that description.

[halfpint1]

I never had any kind of confidence to try anything with sports or driving a car etc. I have one good eye to see with which made me scared to try things.

[manny2]

JBKO we are all broken to a degree. It is just greater and lesser degrees. First things first stop allowing your mother to verbally abuse you. Tell her you love her, but if she starts being abusive you are going to walk away, and then walk away. You don't have to take abuse from anyone. When you see her again if she starts walk away, and continue walking away as many times as you have to. Take your power back. 

It is never to late to build self confidence. It is a process just keep moving forward, and when you make a mistake own it and learn from it. Don't dwell and don't compare yourself to anyone. It is not easy but it can be done. Good Luck

[Lindsays Grandma]

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@haddon9 wrote:

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@JBKO wrote:

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a while but hope everyone is having a good summer. From time to time I make a few realizations that make me wonder, hey why didn't I think of that before. The latest one is also supported by sisters (I am the oldest of 5). 

Our father has a brother that also has 5 kids. Four of the 5 (one is on the humbler side) are very confident and to put it bluntly, really have no business being so. They are between the ages of 13 and 34 and none have graduated college, they didn't do well in school, are not cultured or well-traveled, are not informed when it comes to world affairs, etc. They think highly of themselves and don't dwell on their failures. They're not rude or anything like that and I love my cousins but their confidence is almost perplexing.

Until I really gave some thought to the main difference in our upbringing--our mothers duh! My mother was a great student, better read, not well-traveled but certainly more cultured than theirs. She however has such low self-esteem and married my father when she was so young. She was and still is extremely verbally abusive. She put me through hell with what she told me. And it's really hard to unlearn these things. 

So please, if you have your own kids or if you work with them, try very hard to instill confidence in them. It will affect them for the rest of their lives--that I know for a fact.

Thanks for you reading.

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@JBKO   I don't know what sort of hell your mother put you through but I can tell you that mine was (and still is) extremely critical of almost everything that I do & say.  It slowly chips away at your soul one small bit at a time and as a result formed who I am.  At 65 I'm still wondering what's wrong with me and trying to build my self esteem.  I envy people who have a good sense of self.

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@haddon9...I read your post and it almost made me cry.  There is nothing wrong with you, love yourself and keep working on building your self esteem.  I am so sorry you have been wrong fully treated, God Bless You, hugs and love being sent your way.  And I agree with the other poster, stop allowing your mother to treat you this way, let her know you will walk away every time until such time as she changes her behavior, you deserve better.

[Brisky]

Sometimes telling people the word "NO, I don't deserve to be treated like this." Is the only answer.

[qualitygal]

Love speaks loudest and does the most good.  There's a lot to raise children, a lot of what they learn is just in living.  Acceptance is a major ingredient too.  Children learn what they live.  That was the title of a poem, we discussed on here awhile back.  You might be able to look it up on here.  It's a beautiful sentiment.  I found it:

Dorothy Law Nolte posted this in her weekly family advice column in the now-defunct Torrance Herald, has been reprinted in 30 languages and probably appeared more than a few times in "Dear Abby."

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness

.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

[gardenman]

I think parents often get too much credit and too much blame for how their kids turn out. I'm so different from my brother (now deceased) you'd have thought we were raised by completely different parents. We weren't. I know a lot of families that way where each kid is unique and completely unlike the others in terms of personality, confidence, and social behavior. I've known a few identical twins who were completely different in most regards other than appearance and they're genetically identical (well, at least until the epi-genomes kicked in) and were raised identically, even attended the same schools and had the same teachers, but were completely different in terms of personality and how they handled life. 

Every single human being is unique and a combination of our genetics, environment, the friends we surround ourselves with, and the unique chemistry and wiring in our own brains. There have been kids who were raised by horrible parents who turned out great and kids raised by saints who turned out to be demons. Life is a crapshoot. We look for answers and try to find explanations, but more often than not there are none. 

[proudlyfromNJ]

@gardenman.  I agree with your post. I have a nephew and niece raised together and the same way. They are as different as night and day in every single way. The only thing they have in common are the same parents.

[reiki604]

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@proudlyfromNJ wrote:

@gardenman.  I agree with your post. I have a nephew and niece raised together and the same way. They are as different as night and day in every single way. The only thing they have in common are the same parents.

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I grew up in a household with 2 brothers and its hard to imagine that we were raised by the same parents. According to my brother, I was dad's favorite. I grew up independent, loving to learn and read and aloof just like dad. The middle brother was clearly Mom's favorite (she even said so). He grew up to be entitled, gregarious and materialistic. The younger brother was nobody's favorite and he suffered with severe depression. Clearly, I believe it is how you are treated and raised by your parents that determine your basic attributes. But just because it's how you are raised, does not mean it's your destiny. We also can work and change ourselves. It's the willingness and drive to do the work that determines how successful we are at it.