Community Chat

[Rainbows and Roses]

With my faith in our Savior..........and the Ten Commandments........I am not to make the decision of death on myself..........it is wrong........I did not make the decision to be born and I can't make the decision on when I die.

[jubilant]

Jules...Thanks for your prayers and concern for my dad. I will pray for your dad, too.

[sophiamarie]

R & R: I think at the moment a person commits suicide, they ARE mentally out of their mind. JMO tho....

[Lakk]

On 4/9/2014 sophiamarie said:

R & R: I think at the moment a person commits suicide, they ARE mentally out of their mind. JMO tho....

I believe that too sophiamarie and no I would never do it, I have seen first hand what it does to the remaining family. My brother-in-law in 1989 and my son in 2008 did it and nothing will ever be the same. The worst part is watching my grandsons living without their dad and my other sons living without their brother. You try to carry on but the horror of it never leaves your mind. This is never the solution regardless the problems. JMO And yes I believe both are in heaven.

[AngelPuppy1]

I think we should have a way to have a dr. or nurse to help you pass if nothing can be done for you and all you are doing is suffering. It's the long drawn out suffering that scares me so terribly.

[pistolino]

On 4/9/2014 Jules5280 said:

I find that story so very sad, but can understand it. I suppose it depends on the person.... even my father who has always been invincible and positive in the face of adversity, is giving up. He is not in control as far as using a weapon to kill himself, but he is refusing to eat, so he is basically making that decision. I often ask myself what I would do in the same situation, and I think I would want it to end if my life no longer had joy or value. The desperation they must have felt, to end things that way.... that there was no family or friends to help, or if there were, they weren't helping.

I feel very solitary and alone dealing with my dad's illness. I am sure I will lose him soon, and it's a horrible feeling. Not all people have family that is supportive.... I was just on the phone with my cousin's wife last night (her MIL was my dad's sister/my aunt, and she died just a couple weeks ago) and the phone call was about another family member, but she casually asked about my dad, knowing he has been in hospital... there is no genuine care... and I told her how I felt... the call ended with her hanging up on me. That is my family support...not so much! So, perhaps this couple had nobody to turn to, and it was a last resort for them. Our Insurance agent, who has known my dad for years... is more concerned for us than flesh & blood family. He told me that he wants to be my "substitute dad" while my dad is so sick.... he said he would call me every day to check in, and he does.... even just to tell me it's a new day and to stay strong... how amazing is that? Someone cares enough, that isn't family.... perhaps if this old couple had some people that had shown them some care, they would still be alive. It's so easy to ignore people or treat them with rudeness... but you just never know, that one act of kindness or compassion could make all the difference.

Jules, taking care of someone who is so ill definitely will show you who is there for you and who is not. Generally, it turns out that you are completely alone.

At one time, I would send an update a couple of times a year about my mother to her 2 sisters (12 and 14 years older than she and healthy as horses). I received a response from the 78-year-old telling me she was sorry she hadn't replied to any earlier emails, but it was "depressing" to talk about.

Depressing. Depressing? I guess more depressing than caring for your parent who can't remember eating lunch 15 minutes ago or changing her diapers, helping her get dressed or holding her hand so she doesn't fall while you are walking? Who tried to eat the flowers you brought her? And she's 66 years old?

So no more updates, but when she died I did send an email. In the mail I received back a generic sympathy card thanking me for letting her know and saying "she will be missed." For her baby sister. Sigh.

You may find you have to cut certain blood relatives out of your life because they are not helpful or actually detrimental to your mental health. That leaves room for people who truly are there for you, like your insurance agent.

[HiLo]

The decisions we make will effect our families for the rest of their lives so it's not just about me. I don't think we can really know what we'd do in a given situation until we are actually at that place.. Many of us believe that it isn't God's will for us to commit suicide but then not all people are in their right minds when they make such a decision. I can't judge anyone; only our merciful God knows the whole story.

[HiLo]

On 4/9/2014 Jules5280 said:

On 4/9/2014 jubilant said:

I know how you feel, Jules. I'm not sure how one prepares themselves to lose a parent. My dad always seemed invincible to me, too. While he is much better mentally, now....he is in physical decline and can barely walk anymore. He is almost wheelchair bound. He has gone from 180 lbs. to 162 lbs. in the last 4 months. We take him his favorite foods and he tries to eat but just has little appetite. My DH made me mad yesterday....he keeps telling me dad is dying and I don't want to hear it. In all fairness to him, I just think he is trying to prepare me. Your dad is lucky to have you. I do have family support....from a brother and sister. My mother is not acting herself now and we are concerned for her, too. I feel when one goes, the other will probably go soon after. They have been married for 66 years tomorrow and have been inseparable. I think not having Dad home is taking a heavy toll on mom. Just know that you do have people here who, while their situations are all al little different, can associate with some of what you are going through and are here for you if you need them. Lots of helpful people here that have helped me for sure.

Thank you jubilant, for taking the time to share your thoughts. Your experience sounds very similar to mine, and for sure I don't want to hear that my dad is dying... although the circumstances are hard to deny. We lost my mom a few years ago, and that is when I decided to move and live with him.... they had been married almost 62 years, and I knew he would die from being lonely if I left him to rattle around in this house by himself. We were doing really great until his health issues happened last year... prostate cancer, that he conquered, and diagnosis of Parkinson's.... he's a warrior dad.... but I am not sure I will ever get that warrior back. His biggest issue is lack of eating... he is basically starving... we have another appointment with his doctor this afternoon... they have prescribed meds to stimulate his appetite... I hope it helps soon. Doctor has already told me that feeding tube is not an option... my dad needs nutrition to survive and get better... I have tried to encourage him with everything he used to like... nothing works. It makes me feel so helpless and frustrated... I can't reason with him because his brain is so tired he isn't completely aware... My dad has lost 11 pounds in 2 weeks.. he is getting so skinny, not much on him left to lose. I understand your pain.... I will pray for you and your dad. There are lots of great and compassionate people here, and while all our stories are different, so many are the same. It does help to have support, even when it's "online". As for your DH...don't get angry with him.. even though he perhaps tells you things you don't want to hear, he is only trying to prepare you. He is with you on this journey. Many (((hugs))) to you....

While looking after my aged Mother, we noticed how her hearty appetite just seemed to gradually slow down until at last we were tempted to force feed her. But the advice from hospice was this was the body's natural response to shutting down. I don't know if your Dads are at that place or not but we could tell in my Mother's situation that it wouldn't be long so we weren't surprised. She had lived such a long and productive life, at 94 she. had dementia and wanted to go Home to be with her Saviour and be whole again. It's always hard losing such a precious loved one but God can gave us the grace we need to go on and eventually have a song in our hearts because we know that someday we will be reunited.Thankful for all the years she was with us; my own children lost their Dad at 39.

God bless you Jules and Jubliant and be very close to your families and to your Dads at this very trying time.

[Deb1010again]

On 4/9/2014 Ford1224 said:

I have thought about it, however pain would never be the trigger for me. The triggers for me would be loss of all senses (blind/deaf/paralysis), not knowing who my family members were anymore, as in Alzheimer's. There would be no point in living if my brain was gone, which is only a living death. I have expressed this to my daughters and they have agreed they would take me off all life support and medications and just let me go.

I am not against someone's decision to end his/her life. It's very sad, but if there is one right a person should have, it is the right to end one's life.

Ford, the loss of all senses scares me too. My grandfather had a massive stroke and was blind and deaf and couldn't speak. He just kept trying to pull the IVs out of his arm. I can't even imagine how horrifying that must have been for him. He did end up passing at the hospital within a week.