Reply
Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,562
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

I'm tired of drama, have a chuckle if you want

[ Edited ]
Girl's Night Out
 
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
 
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to potty, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
 
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station, we'll never forget you.' 
 
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,562
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I'm tired of drama, have a chuckle if you want

CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

 

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

 

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

 

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

 

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place ...

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going .
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day ..

 

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,296
Registered: ‎09-18-2010

Re: I'm tired of drama, have a chuckle if you want

LOL

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,080
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I'm tired of drama, have a chuckle if you want

Love both.  Thank goodness the first two were on drinking Breezes and not our Jack n Coke.Woman LOL

"Live frugally, but love extravagantly."
Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,562
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I'm tired of drama, have a chuckle if you want

In honor of Halloween:

 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
 
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
 
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
 
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'
 
The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the sh(ee)t out of a ghost.'
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,629
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I'm tired of drama, have a chuckle if you want

I think we can enjoy this thread today.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,562
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I'm tired of drama, have a chuckle if you want

Charity

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 16,150
Registered: ‎07-26-2014

Re: I'm tired of drama, have a chuckle if you want

At the first one-->837514213.gif

"Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference."


220-AuCC-US-CRM-Header-Update.gif

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,562
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I'm tired of drama, have a chuckle if you want

A man who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

 

A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

 

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

 

" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

 

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

 

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,562
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I'm tired of drama, have a chuckle if you want

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.


He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"


She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."


The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"


She says, "That he did, Father."


The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "


She says, he said, 'Please Mary, put down that dam* gun...'

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.