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Valued Contributor
Posts: 538
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

Re: I’m thinking about selling our house

@geezerette, thank you and to you as well! It's really hard to come to realize that we have to go on and think about the future in terms of what works for us alone, but for me, it was the turning point in how I grieve and in my healing. I went for so long wondering what my late husband would want me to do whenever a big decision was before me. I just wanted to make him proud! But in life, that meant not always doing what I wanted but compromising to do what we thought we should do as a couple. For awhile after he was gone, I was still doing that. It was freeing to realize that now I can choose to do what feels right for me. I think until a widow or widower can do that, they probably won't make the best decisions for the long term. We do our best though, don't we?

 

Hugs to you!

Valued Contributor
Posts: 960
Registered: ‎03-15-2010

Re: I’m thinking about selling our house

@gidgetgh ,

 

I have been widowed not once, but twice.  The first time when I was age thirty (he died in a car accident).  My second husband died 11 months ago from cancer when I was age 62.  I was his caregiver.

 

I thought nothing could be worse than having three cops come to my door to inform me that my first husband was dead.  Well, fast forward 30 years, it was 100 times worse having to watch my second husband fight for his life for 2-1/2 years and still die in the end from cancer.

 

You state that you're still in a fog and going through the motions to get through each day.  Although you are convinced that you are thinking clearly, trust me, you are not.  No, don't get in a huff, I mean this in the kindest way possible.

 

My advice is to wait at least three years after the death of a spouse before making huge financial decisions like selling a house and buying another one.

 

I made some really stupid financial decisions a year after my first husband died that seemed perfectly reasonable and logical in my mind at the time.  In hindsight, I should have waited another couple of years before making such big decisions involving money.

 

Since my second husband's death, I am now stuck having to deal with home and yard maintenance (1-1/2 acres!) by myself.  I can't afford lawn service, let alone the handyman services that my husband used to do.  It pretty much stinks.  It's not fair.  This is not what I thought would happen when I got married for a second time, stuck alone having to deal with this stuff again!  Beyond frustrating.  We had no children (thought I was going to be the soccer mom with two kids and a dog with husband #1, that didn't happen) and all my relatives are out of state, so I'm on my own.

 

Although I love my house and property, it's not suited to "aging in place" by myself when I'm in my 80's.  I'm going to wait at least another couple of years before making any big financial decisions about the house and property.

 

I learned the hard way what not to do when a husband dies, the first time it happened.  Don't make the same mistakes I did.

 

By the way, it's a myth that people "get over" the death of a spouse within a year.  Oh, sure, your friends will be "over it" within a few months, so don't be surprised by a lack of sympathy.  In reality, it takes at least a good five years to reach  the point that remembering the deceased does not break your heart, that you can enjoy the holidays again without despair, that you won't be devastated on birthdays and anniversaries.

 

Courage, my friend.

 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,192
Registered: ‎03-06-2020

Re: I’m thinking about selling our house

@gidgetgh  Hugs, hugs and more hugs to you. Change is scary because it means our routine is going to be different but you have an amazing gift: you're staying in your community so the only thing will be a different house! New look, new decor, new way of using and seeing your furniture. Decorating a new place can be a great way to take your mind off a horrible loss. And yet, you'll still be "home" where you shared wonderful moments with your husband; places you visited, dined, the memories... they're all in your heart, not in that house. 

 

You're  never really alone, please remember that. And another big ((((HUG)))) for ya. Smiley Happy

"Coming to ya from Florida"
Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,646
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I’m thinking about selling our house

 

@gidgetgh 

 

Again sincere condolences of the passing of your spouse.

 

I know change is hard but sometimes a better path.

 

Personally, I fought my spouse everyday about moving away from family and mad at him for this crazy idea and more ...then when we finally purchased this home we "battled" everyday -- wanted a big home w/pool again he wanted a "villa" (1900 sq ft) that would be easier to maintain if something happened to our health.  All outside maintenance is taken care of through HOA and we did all big replacements when we moved in (roof, a/c, upgraded electrical, etc).  

 

Well, guess he had "hindsight" because he became ill in March and can't do much anymore.  now I'm doing those "minor" things he did.    

 

Of course, I'd love to move now to one of the newer communities because everything is brand new & updated.  They have many here (FL) and I want to be closer to beach, but, that will be the next chapter.

 

In fact, even now our kids agree "downsizing" was the best thing financially and I don't have to worry about things.  Of course, I miss the "storage" but then again, I don't need 1/2 the "things" I have anyway😉

 

I'm sure you will make the best decision for you & that's what your spouse would want for you to be happy🌷🌷🌷

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,188
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: I’m thinking about selling our house

I'm OLD and would never think of moving into a 55+ community. I had a friend who lived in one like that in Oxnard, CA -- it was so quiet and depressing. It was an old tract --- and her unit was small. She has since passed away - as did many of her neighbors.

I'm single (no family) and I had a beautiful house in Newbury Park, CA - single story - 1600 sq. ft. against a mountain - in a very safe area. My mom and I purchased it together - and a few weeks after moving in - she was diagnosed with cancer. She lived 2-1/2 more years - and I stupidly sold the house -- but afterward realized I shouldn't have sold the house. Your situation is differfent because your house seems to have many problems.

I now live in a 2033 sq ft, 2-story corner house - which I LOVE - an hour west of my other house. If u have family - u need guidance from them. NEVER do anything until ur strong and healthy and can think clearly. Take it from me - I made many housing mistakes after selling that house - which ended up costing me a lot of money.

I'm in southern Calif. I also learned that many new tracts of homes/condos/townhomes aren't built well like in the past. Sloppy cheap construction, shoddy workmanship, toxic wallboards, etc.Just so ur aware. Good Luck whatever u choose to do.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 24,367
Registered: ‎07-21-2011

Re: I’m thinking about selling our house

@gidgetgh    2,200 square feet is a big house.  It does not sound like you would be downsizing.  Do you think you can handle cleaning 2,200 feet?  Think about it.  1,700 or 1,500 would be more controllable.  I know as you get older you really don't want a lot of work at least I don't.  Selling your home is a very good idea and I wish you much luck.

kindness is strength
Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,901
Registered: ‎09-01-2010

Re: I’m thinking about selling our house

@gidgetgh,

I have every confidence you will make a wise decision when you feel the time is right.   

Being in a similar situation where we have watched our husbands decline, our minds process, and often work things thru for us long before we get to the stage of voicing our decision or taking action.   

Because of your husbands long illness, I do feel you were better prepared than most for your current stage of life, and you at least have clear ideas of what direction to go in.

 

You are level headed and very focused, and will get to a better place.   Continued best wishes to you!

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,162
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: I’m thinking about selling our house

@gidgetgh I haven't read all replies here. Do want to tell you I'm sorry for your great loss. It's a loss in the back of most of our minds and I can't imagine your pain and stress. Three years ago hubs and I moved to a maintenance provided community, much as you described. No regrets. Hubs retired this year and after my retirement, I work part time. I hope you have the same positive experiences in your new community. We haven't looked back. Selling and packing and shedding items is the hard part.     

"I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees." Henry David Thoreau
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,316
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I’m thinking about selling our house

@gidgetgh

A journey begins with a first step. JMH0, You should buy a new home. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,340
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: I’m thinking about selling our house


@KatCat1 wrote:

@gidgetgh    2,200 square feet is a big house.  It does not sound like you would be downsizing.  Do you think you can handle cleaning 2,200 feet?  Think about it.  1,700 or 1,500 would be more controllable.  I know as you get older you really don't want a lot of work at least I don't.  Selling your home is a very good idea and I wish you much luck.



@KatCat1 -current house is about 3,100 square feet, is 2 stories and also has a full unfinished basement, not counted in the square footage of course. I would be downsizing quite a bit.  And someone else would be taking care of the yard.

1,500 seems really small to me. They have smaller models, but I didn't care for them as they seems too small.  You have the option of getting a second floor which would add even more room. I'm not interested in that. 

 


Why is it, when I have a 50/50 guess at something, I'm always 100% wrong?