Community Chat

[Cakers3]

@CrazyKittyLvr2   No need to justify how you are feeling. 

You do the best you can; you don't have experience with this type of grief but I know you will carry on in loving tribute to your DH.

Tell them thank you for their care and concern but your phone will be shut off for the evening and that you will update them with plans later in the day.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[goldensrbest]

It is a very difficult time for you, this loss just happened, it is okay to feel over stressed , explain to her ,she loves you and will understand.Sorry,for your loss.

[Montana]

I think your sister is so worried about you that she can’t rest until she can speak with you.  As with much anxiety, her relief is short-lived, then the cycle starts all over again.

For perspective, look how your sudden loss has affected people on this forum who don’t even know you. Your loss has affected many of us very deeply.

[IamMrsG]

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@CrazyKittyLvr2 wrote:  I know some people would give anything to have a sister like mine and I am very lucky,  I feel like such a jerk even talking about her concern. But between her callls I am also getting multiple calls from my numerous in-laws,  my friends and neighbors. I am going to have to put out the word to give me a couple of days and hope I don't sound like an ungrateful witch.

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I empathize with you.  Loving and only good-intentioned family arrived within hours of my DH’s death, and they stayed for nearly 2 weeks. I will forever be grateful for their love and efforts of support, but I was already exhausted--physically, emotionally, spiritually--when they arrived.  Hosting guests wasn't what I needed.  

@CrazyKittyLvr2 , it says so much about your character that you are concerned for their feelings, but this isn't the time for that.  If they truly want to know what you need, explain it might be too soon for you to even know how you feel, let alone what you need yet. That, when the shock wears off, when the commotion settles down and well-wishers fade away, when silence sets in, that is when you might want/need someone to talk?  In the meantime, though, what you need most is respite.

I will continue to pray for guidance and peace for you.  If you only knew how much I wish I could just sit with you...                           ---Mrs. G.

[doxie1]

@CrazyKittyLvr2 

Maybe you could tell your sister that you will call her every day at a certain time. Then she will know you are ok and you can drive the conversation.

The other thing I would do is pick a time each day that I would unplug the phone. I would let people know you are doing that for your grieving process.

I know you are overwhelmed now from the shock of all of this. Sometimes people think they need to help you grieve and you really need to grieve in your own way at your own pace.

doxie

[Bird mama]

@CrazyKittyLvr2   There is nothing wrong with telling well intentioned people that you need to be alone with your grief. 

I tend to withdraw when I am ill or suffer the loss of a loved one.  When my husband passed unexpectedly I know that those who loved me wanted to comfort me or try to ease my suffering. 

I had to tell my loved ones that I loved them even more for trying to ease my suffering however I needed quiet time to process what happened and would reach out or periodically check to let them know I was okay.

[pigletsmom]

Next time you talk to her tell her that you might not be answering the phone right away. Tell her you're getting slammed with calls from all sorts of people so you might turn the ringer off for a bit but you'll call her back and not to worry. I'd say just be honest but I'm sure it's upsetting for her too and you don't need any hard feelings. So just blame it on the people coming out of the woodwork. Maybe tell her you'll just give her a call once a day to check in so she doesn't have to worry and then you can control the timing.

[Snowhite714]

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@CrazyKittyLvr2 wrote:

As many who visit the Wellness section know my husband passed away this past Saturday.  My sister came up (she's 2 hrs. away) on Friday when he was put on life support and I appreciated her coming more than you can imagine. She was with us when he died Sat.  He wanted no  service and I am honoring his wishes.  I told her she should go home as her own daughter and young granddaughter were upset and she should be with them. 

God love her,  I know she is concerned about my adult children and me but she has called several times and it's only been 48 hours since she left.

Understandably,  I am not sleeping well and constantly being asked how I am, should she come back up,  do I need anything, do I need money (no I don't), how are the kids, etc. is working my last frayed nerve.

I probably sound terrible and I don't want to hurt her feelings but it's too much.

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@CrazyKittyLvr2  Sorry for your loss.  As for your sister, gently explain that you appeciate her concern but right now you just need some space to deal with the loss of your husband and all that comes with it.  Tell her that should you need anything you'll reach out. Hopefully she'll understand and not be offended by you gently telling her to back off.  All the best to you @CrazyKittyLvr2.

[IamMrsG]

@CrazyKittyLvr2   Email might be a temporary solution for your sister.   That way the phone won't be so intrusive and you can choose when (or if) and how much to reply. 

My sister lives across the country, and it works for us.  In the form of idle chit-chat, she frequently asks about my menus, but I know it's a guise for making sure I am eating.  Even after all these months, there are still times I withdraw.  She'll generally allow me a few days "off," but by #3 or so, I'll get a nudge, an "Are you OK?" from her.  It works for us.  

[TaylorBrown]

Perhaps you could write her a letter expressing your gratitude and requesting a little time be alone with your feelings.