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Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,117
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

My father died on May 18 at 93-years-old.  He had a pacemaker implanted on March 26, and it seems he went downhill from there.  He was just never the same.  This person who had gone into work (he owned the company) six days each week.  He still drove, lived alone and kept his own home.  Then one day he didn't come in to work and when I went to his house - the look on his face said it all.  He went into the hospital that afternoon, and it seemed like dominoes ... one medical issue after another.  The first night I think he knew this was the end; he told me where things were and where he wanted his ashes scattered - all things I already knew.  I wish he had simply fallen asleep and never awakened, but he had 10 days in the hospital and then was gone. It was not what he wanted but his body said otherwise.    

Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,357
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

I was looking under my name and saw where some had given me Heart for my post.

 

Every time I see this title,  I feel such sadness that anyone (whomever they are) feels so down they feel that sentence.

 

There's always something to be feel better about (not always ha! ha! happy but just feel better.

 

I've often talked about the 'two side of my freaking brain'.  How they both drive me crazy!.....and they do!

 

However, it's my brain and I've grown to accept and love the way it helps me to see BOTH sides of everything.  But then I don't think I'm so special (well, my brain isn't anyway).  

 

I believe that as we get old(er) we learn there are always 2 sides to everything.  

 

So, if one isn't feeling good or great or even happy.  Think of whatever is good in your life.  There is always something.  No matter how big or tiny....there's something.

 

I also believe that GOD helps those who help themselves.  I think we all need to make changes if things aren't going the way WE want it to go.

 

Easy?  Heck no!  But then I don't think life is easy.  There's always something that's going to cause us angst, always.  It's how we handle it that determines where we go.

 

This phrase doesn't on the surface pertain to the poster, but the idea behind it (as far as change) does.

 

Here's the phrase:

 

When we choose the behavior...we choose the punishment.

 

What I also take that to mean is what I just said, "Actually what we do about life (how we handle it) is up to us".

 

To the OP, I hope by now she understands there are many people here (and hopefully) in her life who love her and care about her.

 

There've been times here on the forum when I've seen other posters wish each other well when they've been sick or even post they wonder where they are when they haven't posted in awhile.

 

That's ALMOST as good as someone (in life) (in person) giving them a pep talk.

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,680
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

A lot of elderly people feel this way, including my 94 yo DM and 98 yo aunt. They don’t feel well, have lost a lot of their independence, lost friends and family, and they know it’s not going to get better. I understand why they feel that way. I don’t ever want to live like that. Tell him you understand. And do whatever you can to enrich his life. But do not negate his feelings.
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,056
Registered: ‎08-05-2011

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

@phoenixbrd : You're so sweet but I was so happy for her to finallly be with them. 

Valued Contributor
Posts: 878
Registered: ‎03-29-2019

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

What people don't seem to understand is that sometimes death is a blessing.

 

My dad and I fought against his dementia.

 

 

I fought to keep him in my world for as long as I could, but the disease progressed to a point to where I had no choice but to place him in a nursing home, and I hated that I had to do that.

 

In the end, he needed to be supervised 24-hours a day.

 

He had to wear diapers, wouldn't bathe on his own, he was a fall risk, and was becoming combative.

 

The last time I saw him, he was exposing himself, and didn't even know that he was.

 

I told him that it was okay for him to go, that I would always love and miss him, and that I would be okay.

 

I think somewhere deep inside he heard me and understood.

 

I think that he needed to hear that.

 

My father was a very modest man.

 

He would've been embarrassed and ashamed if he knew that he was exposing himself.

 

 

That wasn't my dad.

 

He had been replaced by a stranger that I didn't know.

 

 

A few days after I told him that it was okay for him to go, he did.

 

 

Do not misunderstand me.

 

I am not glad that he is gone, but I am  glad that his suffering is over.

 

I miss him every. single. day.

 

 

I miss the man that he used to be.

 

 

My heart shattered in to a million little pieces the day that my dad died.

 

 

But yes, sometimes death  is a blessing, especially when it's an end to suffering. 

 

 

 

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,103
Registered: ‎04-19-2010

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

[ Edited ]

I will offer up a flip side to the story of how we help our parents face the last part of their journey. My father died 28 years ago and I have never missed him. He was not a man who was equipped mentally or emotionally to be a father and his frustration with his own life was dealt with by blow after blow to his children. 

 

Edited to add: I tried, as did my siblings, to help him through his final days but he was unable to accept it. Mother lived another 23 years and I found what she needed most was a sounding board with quiet acceptance on my part. I miss my mom every day and my tears about my dad are for the opportunities lost if he had only gotten some professional help. I have learned that sometimes it doesn't matter much if I am "right" just that I am kind. Don't always manage it, but it does help in dealing with situations with elderly parents.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 878
Registered: ‎03-29-2019

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”


@SunValley wrote:

I will offer up a flip side to the story of how we help our parents face the last part of their journey. My father died 28 years ago and I have never missed him. He was not a man who was equipped mentally or emotionally to be a father and his frustration with his own life was dealt with by blow after blow to his children. 


 

 

 

 

@SunValley 

 

 

 

I'm sorry that you had to suffer through that. Woman Sad

 

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,875
Registered: ‎03-27-2010

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”

@SunValley   I am so sorry for this experience and I've thought about your perspective.  Thank you for your honestly and i understand your stance. Peace.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,985
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”


@cjc19 wrote:

@NameAlreadyTaken wrote:

Please ensure him that you are happy he is here, that God wants him here to make others happy and that you enjoy every minute with him and you would like him to tell you more about his family, his siblings, his mother.  Make him feel important. 


 

What excellent advice!  Do you work with the elderly?


@cjc19   Thank you for your kind words.  My husband has been quite ill for a number of years and has three types dementia.  I am hoping that his years have been made happier by his family and friends who try to make him feel as if his life counts.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 878
Registered: ‎03-29-2019

Re: “I just don’t understand why I’m still here.”


@NameAlreadyTaken wrote:

@cjc19 wrote:

@NameAlreadyTaken wrote:

Please ensure him that you are happy he is here, that God wants him here to make others happy and that you enjoy every minute with him and you would like him to tell you more about his family, his siblings, his mother.  Make him feel important. 


 

What excellent advice!  Do you work with the elderly?


@cjc19   Thank you for your kind words.  My husband has been quite ill for a number of years and has three types dementia.  I am hoping that his years have been made happier by his family and friends who try to make him feel as if his life counts.


 

 

 

 

@NameAlreadyTaken 

 

 

 

I am so sorry that your husband has dementia.

 

 

It is so heartbreaking to watch them loose more and more of themselves.

 

 

One of the hardest things for me was when my dad no longer knew that I was his daughter, or my name.

 

He thought people long gone, were still alive, and he thought my name was "Pat", which it isn't.

 

I wish you stregnth on your journey for caring for your DH.Heart