Re: I felt responsible for my mother’s happiness -... - Page 3

NicksmomESQ · ‎08-19-2014

It’s so easy to feel guilty & blame yourself when a loved one passes.It’s normal.What you have to do is try to take a step back & look at the bigger picture.

You were there for your mother.She was only human & therefore,not perfect. Neither are you. That’s okay. You did the best you could!! You were a good daughter!!

Forgive yourself.Life is too short.Your family needs you.Your mother would want you to be happy.Go out & make some new memories with your loved ones!!

151949 · ‎03-09-2010

The OP sounds like you are no longer going to therapy. I hope not. You really seem to need some help to get through this. If you've quit I highly recommend you reconsider and go back.

jubilant · ‎06-10-2010

I know how hard it is to lose a parent. I lost my father just a few months ago. I am sorry for your loss.

Because of the way your mother treated you when she was alive and you have .... to a degree.... let that control your thinking, I think it would be wise to see a therapist for both your grief and your struggle with guilt. Thinking patterns can take over your life if you let them. A narcissistic parent can do a lot of damage. When it is allowed to continue on into adulthood it is a sign that you need to have stronger boundaries. If a narcissitic person is hurting you or guilting you it is not just that person's fault. If we let it continue, it is our fault too if we get hurt. We need to find out why we do this and correct it. Otherwise some other narcissitic or manipulitive person will come along and the cycle repeats itself. I agree with staying in therapy.

esmerelda · ‎03-10-2010

I haven't been following your story, so I don't know if you're seeing a mental health professional. If you are not, you may find it helpful to do so.

One of my favorite quotes is from Maya Angelou: "I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better."

Think of it as applying to your mother and to yourself. It may bring some peace.

*********************
Keepin' it real.

Still keeper of the koi · ‎05-04-2017

@Beautiful life,You are playing the if only I had been a better daughter, put her first, gave up my family time etc mind game.You could have given her 24 hrs a day, left your husband and children and set by her side like a slave, guess what? She would have treated you the same , it would have ended the same way in all honesty.Some people are never happy,it becomes who they are and what they percieve.You deserve to have a family ,husband, private time.You were not her servant. The worst thing you can do is involve your children in your grief ,this is probably making your young son confused.Life has to go on.There really is no option but to move forward.Be a better mother ,a more loving mother a great wife and take time for living without guilt.She is gone , she has no power anymore you do.I hope you seek grief counseling and are able to leave your children with healthy , loving memories of you someday.Sending you the wish of peace,hugs,MaryAnne

jackthebear · ‎03-11-2010

I think crying in front of a 9 year old at this point is counterproductive for both of you. He is too young to be the carrier of your grief.

ONe is never responsible for someone else's happiness that is up to them

puttypiesmom · ‎10-11-2017

@Beautiful life everything is still painful for you because it's been less than 6 months. When it hits the 1 year mark, you will feel badly again trust me on that but when you hit the 1 -1/2 year mark it will get easier. You will more than likely no longer feel like beating yourself up and you will realize it just is too exhausting. It takes time but you'll get there.

Beautiful life · ‎03-11-2010

My children behave badly, rude, selfish, often times uncaring. My daughter is 20 years old. I know it’s my fault on how we raised them. I was always easy on them, wanted them always to be happy. I am the peacemaker. My husband on the other hand would of disciplined them more ( always disagreed on how to discipline) but I always let them get away with things. Husbands family was also dysfunctional.

I do not wasn’t history to repeat itself. I don’t wasn’t to put any guilt on my children

My mom didn’t trust men, from when I was little told me that men will cheat and take your money. My dad did cheat once, they never divorced. I don’t fully trust anyone.

I have good and bad days. My therapy sessions are almost always the same.

I am told that those feelings I have are not good for me, keep busy.

Still keeper of the koi · ‎05-04-2017

@Beautiful life, Please take what I am saying in the spirit of kindness where it is coming from.I think you are lumping your problems with your children into the pot of problems you faced growing up and later in life with your mother.You said almost exactly how you felt you had been perceived by your mother as not caring and selfish,you then wrote your children are rude and uncaring. You say your husband is from a dysfunctional family , Smart people from bad family dynamics do the opposite.They love more, are more caring less judgmental.If we don't look and learn we become the thing we fear most, our past life...I speak from this with knowledge I was abused horribly as,a child ,my mother in her 80s is mentally unstable, evil .I try everyday to be loving , knowing love is powerful medicine for healing,mostly mine.Never label your children , that is long lasting.Show them , a healthy ,happy , focused family life,your husband needs you to do this to help him heal.I prayed a little while ago for this new year to wipe away the pain in your life and began new.I once heard someone say when we choose to move into a new state of life the old must die away.Never allow your past to paint your future.Blessings dear one, Hugs,MaryAnne