Hello everyone, OP here. I had to take some time to calm myself before I could come back and read your replies. I was overcome by the stories some of you have shared here, and the wonderful suggestions and support you have offered me. My family issues aside, the thing I came away with the most from reading your replies was this... If anyone has any doubt that there are lots of warm, sensitive, thoughtful, bright, and caring people left in the world, they should come to this thread and read all of your responses. Wow, really, I'm overwhelmed with emotion and appreciation. And seeing some of your familiar "faces" and knowing many of you the way I do, I can't even begin to express my gratitude. To those who posted about facing similar issues or other trying times in their lives right now, sending you BIG hugs. Thank you all for taking the time (especially on New Year's Eve!) to post and send me some much needed hearts.
With regard to some posters' questions...
My father used to be very abusive to my mother - mostly verbal (terribly so) and sometimes physical (hair pulling, slapping, throwing things). And although he has still been verbally abusive in the more recent past to my mother, the physical stuff stopped years ago. Now that she's sick, I will admit that even the verbal abuse towards my mother has stopped, thank goodness. My mother getting well is the main priority in all of our lives. And I know my father cares DEEPLY for her... and she for him. She would never, ever, ever leave my father. Ever. Since she's been sick, we have all tried desperately to not engage my father's BS for her sake. We've been successful some times and other times not. Clearly this was a explosion of pent up frustration and rage waiting to happen. We have all been at war with him at one time or another, and we all have the same feelings toward him (disgust) and toward each other (we're very, very close). Somehow, miraculously, and in spite of him, we've all managed to become well-rounded, (usually) stable individuals.
My father's relationship with his children is a different story. He was far more physically abusive with us, and his verbal assaults are never ending. We often hated my father and resented my mother for allowing him to treat us in that manner. Slowly, we came to forgive my mother for this because, really, in many respects, I don't think she was capable of handling it any other way.
One poster asked whether my father had any good aspects or redeeming qualities... absolutely. He can be wonderfully funny and, yes, loving. There are moments of clarity and contrition, but it never lasts. And, again, I think most abusers have this dual personality. It's what keeps people in their grasp. Another poster mentioned self-loathing. I do believe that plays a part in my father's anger, definitely.
I'm not exactly certain where to go from here right now. Severing all ties with my father, though tempting, just isn't feasible at the moment with my mother being sick. There is also a family business in which we've all invested our livelihoods and futures. So, yes, money is a consideration. And it's a big one. That's another reason I feel so trapped and duped and ineffectual. On more than one occasion, I've seriously considered driving away and never coming back. And to h*ll with all of the money I've worked so hard for. It's either a really smart move that I've managed to resist doing that, or a really stupid one.
I'll wrap this up by saying, again, thank you all for your encouraging and deeply moving words. How lucky we all our to have this place to come to share these sorts of experiences, the good and the bad. Sometimes it helps to step away from our personal lives and seek out totally unbiased opinions and support. It certainly helped me immensely today.
Hugs to everyone.
Blogs & Forums
Forums
Blogs
