Community Chat

[oceantown]

Lucy,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.  How does your Mom deal with this?  Is he nasty to her too, or just the rest of the family?  I really feel for you all. 

I hope you can get rid of those feelings of guilt.  It sounds like you are in such an impossible situation.  Some people will not listen to reason.  They just refuse.  I really cannot understand people like that.  It must be so hard when this is your dad that you are dealing with. 

I can understand that you reached your boiling point, but I hope you can feel some calm now.  Would he listen better if these issues could be written in a letter to him? 

I hope & pray for things to improve for you, and especially for your Mom.  I do not see how she could put up with this.  She needs peace and rest. 

[Mothertrucker]

Lucy, many of us may not feel comfortable to speak of it here, but know exactly what you describe...

Your anger today is something of an epiphany, I understand all too well..

You can, and will overcome...

I wished I could give you  two hugs, one for standing up to him today, and another for all those who wish they COULD, and sadly, never will...

[Ms X]

You sound upset and as if you are feeling guilty about your harsh words.  Don't be.  It is normal to get angry when someone so mistreats you.  Right now, just calm down and treat yourself kindly.  You will process this event over the coming weeks and maybe even months. 

With your parents getting older, you probably feel guilty about this because of their age, but what's done is done.  It sounds as if you've held in a lot, so you can be forgiven for telling him off.  It will take a few days for you to really start to feel better about it.  Your reaction is perfectly normal.  If you wish, you can go back to holding your tongue, but please forgive youself for speaking your mind.  This is not the end of the world.

It helps sometimes to realize that some things that happened in the past can never be fixed.  Perhaps you will just have to do the best you can with him and decide what to do as you go along.  You don't have to totally cut him off if you don't want to, but just accept that you spoke your mind even though you tried not to.  It doesn't mean you have to go to war with him all the time.

I hope this makes some sense to you.  Take some time to get over this.  You'll feel better in a few days!

[Zhills]

Proud of you for your courage to vent!  I believe that more people than you realize can relate to you in many ways but, because we do not have anonymity, we cannot vent or let you know our situation!  We can just send you hugs and hopefully comfort.

“Sometimes God calms the storm, but sometimes God lets the storm rage and calms His child.” - Leslie Gould

Hope you find calm in this storm!  God Bless.

[IamMrsG]

@LucyInTheSky

[gmkb]

I cannot offer you any more advice than you have received here from people who seem to understand very well your situation.  I did offer up a prayer that you and your Mother will be able to find peace.

[maestra]

My father is/was the same way and I walked 15 years ago. It was the right decision for me and I have never regretted it. I also have the support of other family members.

[Drythe]

Sending positive thoughts your way.

Don't beat yourself up for what needed to be said.

Don't let it turn into, or be turned into a guilt trip.

It is hard when you realize that the person who will take care of you is yourself.  

Take care of yourself and your Mom.

[goldensrbest]

You just had more than you can take, perhaps in some way ,it will make it better,  i hope things do not get worse, but don't feal guilty,maybe this had to happen finally.

[on the bay]

Hi Lucy-in-the-sky~

I too am so sorry you are dealing with all this.

I thought wow-that sounds like my father!

But I think it is even more difficult for you because you feel you have your mom to protect.

I too read Boundaries and found it very helpful.

And I agree with the poster who said to walk away before the rage and conflict starts. But with my father, after his rages, I would always tell him firmly but calmly that he had no right to be angry w/ us. And later I read that when you stand up to a bully, they may back down and respect you.

I don't think you should feel badly at all-all those feelings come up very naturally especially when it all seems so unfair.

And for me ,the way zi found peace is to realized that my father may not be able to change but I can and I would try to love him for the parts of his character that I could. I realized he would not be the father I always imagined a father to be but I could try to love the things about him that I could love. And it seems from then on we became closer and had a better relationship.

I think even though he was also an alcoholic but stopped drinking the last part of his life, that his behavior was definitelya chemical brain thing because I knew "normal" people who did not act this way.

Also, I guess it would be nice if everyone was agreeable to having your mother stay with you as she goes thru her own difficult journey with cancer. There is nothing more stressful and disheartening then an abusive person living with you. It makes you feel sick all the time so that on top of cancer is so hard.

Anyway, I 'm glad you posted cause I am sending prayers and I know people can feel them.

I hope things will get better! You are right., what a way to start the year but like others said you are not alone and now have a lot of people pulling for you!