Community Chat

[gertrudecloset]

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@Witchy Woman wrote:

@golding76 

Without reading anything other than your post, I have to wonder what drew them together to begin with. 

What did she see/feel that made her say, "this is the man for me."

Without even waiting for a response to that question I would offer this:

Run.  Run screaming!  

Get half of everything now and leave.

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@Witchy Woman Opposites attract.  Some people believe that when a partner is different from them, it balances them out.  This might be true sometimes, but there's nothing scientific about it.

[gertrudecloset]

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@Daisy Sunflower wrote:

I also think it's a made up story.

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@Daisy Sunflower 

Yeah.  So someone can show off the creative writing skills.  However, this most certainly can happen in real life and they don't have to part ways.

When two people marry and grow apart or become "different" than what the other partner is accustomed to ~ compromise and commitment are crucial.  You don't have to go running like a banshe because your significant other doesn't want to do things you do at the same speed.

Nowhere in this story did it state that she is always in this mood to not want to "self improve."  Could be just not interested right now.  They could very well be very suitable for one another.

[Porcelain]

Maybe, before they were spending so much time together, dude assumed that his wife was performing "productive" activities similar to his own when he wasn't around. So even though he was deluded about it, he felt duped when he found out otherwise.

It's really sad that he loved her less after finding out more about who she is and what she likes to do. That's what everyone dreads might happen when they take a chance on committing to someone.

I also note that the things the husband decided to do with his free time were mostly solo activities, and none of them featured spending quality time with his wife. He was very busy. At least the wife was available to hang out with him and apparently was willing to chill out and read at the same time as him, even though he mocked her reading choices. Just sad.

[manny2]

First he is the one that needs the therapy. If you have to change who you are or what you love to keep a partner happy the price is too high,  Get out.

[shoekitty]

How pompous and demeaning.

[LisaMofSLC]

Sounds like he just expected her to do stuff with him, not have her own free-time hobbies. That disappoints him enough to want divorce? Must be more here. My ex used to get upset if I was reading a book while he watched football, or if I wanted to go on my computer or watch TV in the bedroom. So I would sit on the couch and read a magazine. I refused to watch football since I was not interested in it. I so love being single now. Poor lady.

[qualitygal]

He needs to run his own life and let her run hers.  He's missing being in control in court. He needs to let her handle this in her way.  

[Hayfield]

I can't believe he thought she had a problem!  He's the one with the problem, big time!  I think he was jealous of her career, that can be such a killer.  The pandemic brought all his problems to the front, I think she's the lucky one and I hope she finds someone who appreciates her, not control her.  This would've really bad if they had children together because it would've been so much worse to get a divorce with children involved.  

[SydneyH]

Sounds like he simply doesn't like her any more.  Separation seems like a option they should explore.

[ScarletDove]

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@golding76 wrote:

Thank you for asking, Scarlet Dove.  Here is Ms. Hax's response in addition to those of some listeners/readers.  Ms. Hax derives her column from conversations held online:

Productive: Divorce might be her best option, so do I have to leave it out?  (Sorry, I left this out from the original posting of Mr. Productive's thoughts.)

Here is Carolyn's response:

Wow.

People are different. People can be different and still be good. People can be different and still be worthy. They can have different needs, want different things, set different goals, have different levels of energy and ambition, evolve in different ways. If you can't love and respect someone who made the perfectly valid decision to enjoy life, then maybe the most generous thing you can do is admit your heart isn't in the marriage anymore, and free you both to discuss what comes next.

Is anyone so awesome a catch that it would be worth not being loved or respected — worth arousing “disgust” — just to stay married?

Plus, if your definition of “improving” oneself didn’t include rest and juicy novels, then our differences would be irreconcilable.

But I digress. She's not taking advantage of you, leaving an illness or bad habit unaddressed, or betraying you. She's working, doing her share of chores, taking care of herself. “Fine” sounds fine.

You, within your rigid ideas of a life worth living, just don't like her — that's what you're saying, to my ear. So what else am I supposed to suggest? Language tapes over your home's speakers, like heavy metal outside an embassy in Panama, to break her?

Readers' thoughts:

· “Just to read books better suited for children"? Holy cats!! Reading anything different from what she reads all day will be good for recharging and growth. Your way to “improve yourself” isn’t the same for your wife — nor should you be the one to decide how she uses this time.

· Something tells me that, pre-covid, Productivity Guy was super busy because he wanted to be, and his wife was super busy because she was forced to be.

· The contempt in that question is so palpable it’s tough to see them coming back from it.

· I suspect Productive doesn’t particularly like himself, either. That’s the toxicity of the cult of productivity. It convinces us we’re worthless if we’re not constantly checking items off a to-do list.

There was an update: divorce. 

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@golding76   Thorough and wise was Caroyn Hax response!!  Love the highlighted sentence...it is quite powerful!