Community Chat

[golding76]

Sometimes, a letter that appears in Carolyn Hax's advice column hits me like a Mack truck.  The one I read today flattened me.  What do you think of the "fabulous" Mr. Productive?

Here is what he had to say in his letter to Ms. Hax:

Dear Carolyn: Before the pandemic, my wife and I — early 30s, both lawyers — had long working hours and frequent business travel, with weekends spent largely on family events and cultural activities. Once our respective firms sent us to work at home, we calculated we would gain 30-plus hours a week, even while still working full-time, due to not commuting, traveling or socializing in person. We promised each other we would use that time to be productive in ways our prior schedules did not permit.

I kept up my end of the bargain: In six months I read 25 biographies, developed decent conversational skills in two foreign languages, upped my running program to the point that I am marathon-ready, and started volunteering for voter registration advocacy, all while continuing to work full-time. My wife has done … not so much. She has been reading fantasy novels, occasionally watching a History Channel documentary, and has generally used the time to “unwind.”

I have confronted her several times, and she tells me she is “rejecting productivity culture” and doesn't feel like improving herself right now. We share housework, cooking, and other practical matters, and she does exercise, but I'm getting increasingly frustrated — disgusted, even — that she would waste this gift of free time just to watch TV and read books better suited for children.

I have asked her to get counseling and a depression evaluation, but she has refused and thinks she is conducting herself “fine.” Do you have any suggestions, other than divorce?

— Productive

[QVCkitty1]

I think he is looking for an excuse to leave.

[Kachina624]

I think SHE, not HE, need to run, not walk, to engage a divorce attorney.

[Drythe]

@golding76 

Dear Productive,

Your ego the size of a semi.  Lighten-up.

[golding76]

Fantastic reply, Drythe!  LOL

[depglass]

Depression evaluation for her?  He should get an obsessive-compulsive evaluation.  It gets worse as time goes on.  

[GenXmuse]

Sounds like he wants her to be productive in only things he approves of. What a control freak. He's the one that needs help. 

[ScarletDove]

Mr. Productive sounds very narcissistic, his way or the highway! Expectations, control, perhaps Mr Productive should consult a therapist, but first, WHAT did Carolyn Hax advise Mr Productive?

[golding76]

Thank you for asking, Scarlet Dove.  Here is Ms. Hax's response in addition to those of some listeners/readers.  Ms. Hax derives her column from conversations held online:

Productive: Divorce might be her best option, so do I have to leave it out?  (Sorry, I left this out from the original posting of Mr. Productive's thoughts.)

Here is Carolyn's response:

Wow.

People are different. People can be different and still be good. People can be different and still be worthy. They can have different needs, want different things, set different goals, have different levels of energy and ambition, evolve in different ways. If you can't love and respect someone who made the perfectly valid decision to enjoy life, then maybe the most generous thing you can do is admit your heart isn't in the marriage anymore, and free you both to discuss what comes next.

Is anyone so awesome a catch that it would be worth not being loved or respected — worth arousing “disgust” — just to stay married?

Plus, if your definition of “improving” oneself didn’t include rest and juicy novels, then our differences would be irreconcilable.

But I digress. She's not taking advantage of you, leaving an illness or bad habit unaddressed, or betraying you. She's working, doing her share of chores, taking care of herself. “Fine” sounds fine.

You, within your rigid ideas of a life worth living, just don't like her — that's what you're saying, to my ear. So what else am I supposed to suggest? Language tapes over your home's speakers, like heavy metal outside an embassy in Panama, to break her?

Readers' thoughts:

· “Just to read books better suited for children"? Holy cats!! Reading anything different from what she reads all day will be good for recharging and growth. Your way to “improve yourself” isn’t the same for your wife — nor should you be the one to decide how she uses this time.

· Something tells me that, pre-covid, Productivity Guy was super busy because he wanted to be, and his wife was super busy because she was forced to be.

· The contempt in that question is so palpable it’s tough to see them coming back from it.

· I suspect Productive doesn’t particularly like himself, either. That’s the toxicity of the cult of productivity. It convinces us we’re worthless if we’re not constantly checking items off a to-do list.

There was an update: divorce. 

[occasionalrain]

I'm thinking that he was born to a Tigar mother and his wife was not. They are mismatched and need to accept each other as they are or go their separate ways.