Community Chat

[gertrudecloset]

@cracksterIt occurred to me that non profits can be helpful.  If you can think of any cause ~ there usually is a non profit for it.  A good place to look for a non profit that might be able to help you is to start with:

National Association of Area Agencies for the Aging.  This serves as a clearinghouse of sorts, for you to perhaps find help in your particular location.

Here is the link

https://www.n4a.org/

Telephone

Tel 202.872.0888

Please come back and let us know how you and your husband are doing.

[gertrudecloset]

---

@KKWA wrote:

There are certainly a lot of issues here, and every state is different.   Shouldn't he be in hospice so they can do something about his pain?.Do you have any help?  Kids, relatives etc?  If you are alone there are places Like "care for Mom" that places people in the best situation.  You are not going to get rid of all your stuff and house by yourself, you are going to need help.  The urology issue needs to be addressed weather he cries or not!  You are clearly not able to handle this.  Can you afford to get two burley men to come in and take over 24/7?  If you can, GOOD FOR YOU. get a nurse for you too. If you can't, let this be a lestion to all of us who has reads this...DO NOT WAIT TILL THE LAST MIN TO MAKE THESE DECISIONS.  WE WILL ALL BE THERE SOON.  

---

Why are you yelling at this woman?

[RealtyGal2]

My Mother is in an assisted living facility. She started out in a patio home, but 10 years later had to go on oxygen and was forced to move to their healthcare center.and was unable to stay in her patio home.  It may be that if you move into an assisted living facility, you and your husband may still not be able to live together because your needs are different. Also, my Mother is paying twice what she was paying in her patio home. You need to ask a lot of questions before making a move. It could be extremely costly.

[chiclet]

Admittedly I don't know a lot about assisted living but my sister was in one for a couple of months and it was  astronomical in price.  Everything was extra.  She did not really belong there and wound up helping the others who were in worse shape.  She was so happy to go home.  I hope you have someone to lean on or help you with all this.  I won't have anyone if I am in your situation so I know how sad and overwhelming all this is.  My husband has something wrong with him in every part of his body but he is still mobile and able to care for himself.  That could change any time.  I agree with everyone who says to try and find someone who knows what to do ( social worker, etc) and don't sell the house yet until you are sure that is what you want to do.  God bless and will send prayers and good thought. 

[Snoopp]

You need a primary care doctor.  They usually are the ones who handle hospice referrals and can put you in touch with social workers.  It sounds like it’s time for a decision on the status of his health and if home care is required, or hospice.  If he can’t transfer on his own from the bed, he may be bedridden.  Home care or hospice services may allow him to stay in his home as they can provide home heath aides as well as skilled nursing care.  I would start with the primary care doctor....also, if he is in a rehab facility, please speak with their social worker and the rehab physician about his care and your concerns.  They should be able to guide you on the next steps given his condition.  You can request a meeting with them.  I hope this helps you.

[DiAnne]

@crackster 

I used to work in a long term care facility and from your description he does not sound like he belongs in assisted living because he needs more care than they provide.  Make sure they are aware of his problems before you sell your house. 

[tiny 2]

@crackster

It does not sound to me that he is a candidate for assisted living. Please be aware that in a skilled facility his care is included in the price. In assisted living there will be a flat rate but additional hands on care will be added.  I am going to give you some examples of what we dealt  with my mom.

She had hip surgery and could not walk the distance to the dining room yet. Transferring her to a wheelchair and rolling her to the dining room added an extra $1800.00 a month. She was on a couple of medications that were non prescription. To give her a plain Tylenol and Calcium tablet per day translated into an extra $400. a month. They would not allow me to bring it and give it to her. She needed assistance changing her depends, thousands extra. Some facilities call these points. There are various terms depending on the facility but actual hands on care costs are over and above the flat rate. It is easy to wipe out your finances.

You also need to ask if that happens does the facility apply and accept Medicaid because many do not and you will have to move. We were lucky that the nurse assessing her from the facility we were going to place her in from the rehab pulled me aside and told me not to do it. They love to have patients that are like her. We went through the interview process with numerous facilities and not one person in their administrative offices offered this information until I would ask very specific questions regarding cost of very specific care.

I will be eternally grateful to this nurse for her warning. I am a nurse but had no knowledge of this since I worked in a very different environment. We had my mother in a skilled facility for 6 years. We visited daily and would take her out to eat or for visits in our homes. After her initial adjustment she was very happy. As her dementia progressed she thought that all the patients were hers so she would make rounds and check on everyone everyday. She would say there are so many I just do not know if I will be able to handle it and I would say," You will do what you have always done and take great care of them." She would nod and smile. She was much loved there and patients would frequently drop by when we were visiting to report to her. LOL

[FLgardener]

@crackster , My heart goes out to you. Based on my own experience of losing my husband, I hope you consider palliative care, perhaps in a hospice facility. Please hold firm about your desire to sell or stay in your home. 

I stayed in my beloved home after my husband passed. Five years later, I love being here. It is my healing place, plus I still feel my husband's loving presence.

DH was in a hospice facility. He needed to be there. We couldn't have done it in our home for several reasons.

[on the bay]

@tiny 2,

such good information and leave it to a nurse-aren't they great?!

We owe it to a nurse who told us one place was not the place for our mother.

[SeaMaiden]

@crackster   this must be so hard for you. You have my prayers. Can not imagine making such decisions.

I do think you Husband needs to stay where he gets 24 hour care. Coming home is a bad idea for both of you.  You can not lift him or care for him in the state he is in.

My husband's Mother was in a care facility the last few years of her life... she constantly called my husband and begged to go home.... but it was not in her best interests with all her medical issues and early stage dementia.