Community Chat

[doxie1]

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@petepetey wrote:

Holidays bring out the best and worst of people.

My older sister has been a controlling person her whole life. It came to a head for me on Thanksgiving when she got mad at my 85 year old mother because she picked out the items for a bathroom remodel on her own, didn't let my sister help her decide.

What? My mother can choose her own floor/vanity etc. for her own bathroom. 

She was chilly towards my recently widowed mother that day. NOT OK.

Also she gave us the orders for Christmas, limiting our time with her family. We've had Christmas with them our whole lives. Now this year she pushed back the time to a late start. It's her house, she can do what she wants but why the change after decades of doing it the same?

My mother is very sad and upset by her behavior and so am I. 

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@petepetey

If you do not have a relationship with your sister after all these years where you can have a conversation with eachother then I do not think it will happen.

I feel like she is controlling because she is allowed to. Your mom picked what she wanted forthe bathroom so she can get over it or not.

She can be handling her grief at losing her father this way and feel more a need to take over his role. Holidays are rough for people dealing with loss.

She changed the Christmas plans to start later. That is not a big deal. She has hosted every year and can choose when to start or whether to host. It gives you a time to make a special memory with your mom. Have  a special breakfast with her and some time for your private memories. Then you can go to your sisters.

Life is short and I do not want to spend my time dealing with negative thoughts so I make my time meaningful for me. I realize that I can not change people but I can change how I respond to them.

doxie

[goldensrbest]

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@Big Joanie wrote:

My family is so bad we can't even all be at a wedding without a fight

taking place ....

So about 15 years ago we cut off all contact .. I didn't want my children

thinking this was the norm .......

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That is sad ,family means everything.

[Big Joanie]

I agree ... I am 74 and now that i am what I call the home stretch of life ..

I'm just not going to put up with that c......p ... any more .....so much

happier without them ....

[ALRATIBA]

We (brother, sister and me) don't live near each other and rarely see each other.  

Our sister is bossy ... but for the few times we get together, my brother and I just roll our eyes and smile.  Just not worth getting into a disagreement with her or between her and someone else.

[stevieb]

@petepetey Without getting into her having been 'controlling her whole life' since, if true, that isn't likely to change, it sounds like there are two immediate issues. First is her behavior toward your mother the other is her decision to revise the time line for Christmas.

You've had lots of suggestions here, many of which involve 'cutting the cord', and so on and on and on... Mine is a little different, because I don't sense any of the three of you is going to be made 'happier' by an all out battle royal involving one or more of you dismissing the others from your holiday plans... If you're truly fed up with her and ready to go solo for the holidays then you know what to do, but it doesn't seem that's really your mission...

With respect to her change in holiday schedule you might simply ask her if there's any reason beyond her spouse having to work that led to the change. See what she has to say. If you assess her reasons are legitimate then so be it. If you sense she somehow thinks she's 'punishing' the rest of you by making the change then gently say so, pointing out that really, she isn't... Either way, If her schedule is firm and the time change is significant, in the interest of togetherness, you can offer to host the event or you can have the others to your house first for 'appetizers', going as a group to her house at the appointed time... Odds are, she's going to feel left out and, assuming her time line really is more negotiable that she wants you to think, she might revise her 'schedule' going forward. Moreover, if she revolts against either idea, then it would be pretty clear she truly is just wanting to call the shots. In that instance, let her revolt because it is true that by perpetually giving into her wants, she's being reinforced in her behavior...

With respect to your mother, one of you might well need to simply inform her how her behavior has hurt mom's feelings and point out to her that really, it isn't all about her... Odds are she knows this, but having it said to her doesn't permit her to continue to pretend she doesn't know...

If she's used to getting her own way, no matter how gently done, the likelihood is that addressing either or both of these situations with her will be met with some degree of resistance, so you have to be prepared for some level of confrontation. If you're not, then the only other option is to 'go along to get along', which doesn't seem to have worked so well to this point...

Good luck to you...

[Big Joanie]

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@goldensrbest wrote:

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@Big Joanie wrote:

My family is so bad we can't even all be at a wedding without a fight

taking place ....

So about 15 years ago we cut off all contact .. I didn't want my children

thinking this was the norm .......

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That is sad ,family means everything.

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I know .. it does seem sad .. but if you knew these people and what they

are capable of you would understand ....but you are right about it being

sad ....

[Big Joanie]

Let me put it this way ... when they start picking on your kids ...

and tell you they can't wait to start your kids on drugs ... you

walk away .....

[petepetey]

Thanks for all the responses. I do learn from others here.

[CelticCrafter]

This is starting to sound like passive/aggressive behavior.

[FrostyBabe1]

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@petepetey wrote:

Thanks for all the responses. I do learn from others here.

As for the bathroom remodel, my sister wanted my mom to hire a decorator, pick out all new everything from floor to ceiling, lights, mirrors, everything and spend maybe 10,000.

My mom wanted new floor, vanity, faucets and spend 1500? (which she did)

I hosted Thanksgiving. After suggesting a time to arrive she said 'I hope the turkey isn't ready too soon like last year, I want more time for cocktails. I made it happen that way to make my guests feel comfortable. 

This past fall I was at a dinner at her house and I stepped in to help clean up dishes. She then mocked me saying we had better hurry up and clean these dishes so she can leave. That was never my intention, I was just being helpful. This is what I have to deal with.  (it's best I don't offer to help anymore)

I will do my best to smile, find others to connect with, show up and be quiet.  I don't want drama. I want to keep my family but I can't stand being treated as less then which is what I feel around her. 

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And then she will continue to treat you the way that she does, because you're allowing it.  There is a solution to your problem - simply standing up for yourself. And quite frankly, if you're not willing to pursue it, then you've no business complaining about it.