Community Chat

[mintedrose]

Wow, i feel really bad for your mom and this is not ok. I have 3 older sisters so i know the drama that some can create. My oldest one is the same way, she picks my mom apart from her choice of clothing to everything else in her life. She's done that all her life and has really hurt my mom through out the years. It was always heartbreaking for me to watch but i was too young to say anything because i knew she would turn against me and hurt me. Its sad, however, now that we are grown women, we should do the right thing by our parents. When she started doing it again on my wedding, i was quick to shut her up. People like that need to be hushed and quickly. The twisted thing is that in their mind they believe and let everyone else think that they are the victims and others are being mean to them which is not the case at all. I have not spoken to her in almost two years and nor do i care to. I would stand by your mom and do the right thing which is to let her know that its not ok for her to treat your mom this way or if she does then she would have to go throug you. Stand up for your mom. 

[Cakers3]

@petepetey  If your mom is 85, then you have had decades of experiences with this sister.  Why ask here why she changed the Christmas schedule???  Ask her. 

I think you are looking for posters to take your side and validate what you present as a problem sibling.

Venting is fine but nobody here can truly assess your situation.  Learn to deal with her by accepting how she is.  You can certainly speak to her but your expectations will be nothing more than premeditated disappointments.

btw:  How did the chiffon pie issue work out this year?

I'm going to say something else-someday you may very well outlive this sister.  Think about that, too.  Would you be happier without her?

[SunValley]

From reading the thread about the chiffon pie and now this one, I gather that you host Thanksgiving and older sister hosts Christmas. Both holidays have become a contentious “whose in charge” event. It’s my feeling that the tug of war between you has been going on for decades and this discord isn’t about pie, dinner hours, or even your mom’s bathroom remodel. I think it stems from your childhood relationship, and you have yet to find common ground or established mutual boundaries.

I have cousins, two sisters, who grew up battling each other and who hold on to every grudge from their teens to the point where both are quick to be defensive and take everything done or said as being spiteful. It’s a self fullfilling prophecy. Their youth rules the relationship, not their maturity. I wonder if this is true in your situation.

Not every family relationship is worth saving, especially if a person is truly destructive, but you seem to have managed to get through dozens of holidays, so you must see some value in the relationship. You can’t change her, only your response. At this point you are fed up but unsure of the next step. I think you’ll have to decide where your line in the sand will be drawn and what’s worth challenging and what you will ignore. I wish you luck.

[NYC Susan]

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@ID2 wrote:

I'd like to actually hear both sides to this story. We only hear one side, obviously. The family dynamic has always been very complicated. Instead of brooding, have a sit down heart-to-heart talk with your sister. Problem solved.

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If only it were that easy!

I agree that it might be a good place to start, and in some situations with some people, having a heart-to heart talk WOULD result in "problem solved".  But very often the problem goes deeper than that, and lots of people do not react well to honest conversation.  Depending on the personalities involved, it can actually escalate the situation.  

People are complicated, and when one feels controlled by the other (especially in families), "problem solved" rarely comes easily.

[Sooner]

@petepetey  I am puzzled why you are upset about the time?  As I get older, I get tired easier and to me, I'd be very apt to shortening the time simply because it would wear me out for it to go on a long time.

Do you all not see one another other than holidays?  If I missed this point along the say, sorry and I apologize. 

[NYC Susan]

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@SeaMaiden wrote:

She sounds like a lovely person😬 NOT!

I would send her a copy of this thread  anonymously....it should let her know what others think of her crummy attitude.  Oh sure she will be ticked off for awhile...but if she wants to have a relationship with you...she will apologize.  

If if she does not apologize....good riddance!

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I understand that this is well-intentioned, but OP - Please do not do this!  The last thing this situation needs is the sister knowing that the OP posted about her in an online forum.  It's sure to just add fuel to the fire.  I doubt very, very much that it will end up with the sister apologizing, nor should it.

(I also don't understand the point of sending it anonymously.  Surely the sister will know exactly who sent it, so it seems really foolhardy in addition to being passive-aggressive.)

Forums are anonymous, and there's a reason for that  This should be a safe place to post without threads being thrown in someone's face.  We're here to let the OP vent and to support her - not to provide ammunition.  

[shoekitty]

If this is a life long trait, nothing outside of her seeking counceling would help.  But I dont think that is in the near future from the sound of it.  I am not a shrink, and the following is my own personal thoughts.  Usually there is a fear factor underlying a controlling person.  They have to keep order in the universe and those around them.  Insecurity and fear are the bottom of it. The bathroom issue sounds like her insecurity is so deep that your mom not selecting her to help deepened a fear of not being liked, or chosen.  It is like, how can mom figure this stuff without me? doesn't like me anymore!  There is usually a hope if she turns it around and gets mad at your mom...your mom will be hurt and ask forgovness.  They best thing one can do is say, or imply that  you are sorry she feels that way, but she didnt want to bother anyone, and felt so sure with her choices. At 86 she felt a need to "go for it". No apology, nothing.  The minute you apologize, she wins.