How to step back from a controlling sister - Page 7

goldensrbest · ‎03-10-2010

Un less you stop this , it will continue,you asked for advice ,and you need to stand your ground,you are enabling her.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.

GenXmuse · ‎05-15-2016

@Big Joanie wrote:
What's wrong with asking for a little sympathy ...??

Absolutely nothing and you have it from me. Families are complicated but from the outside looking in I certainly wouldn’t spend more time than I have to with a nasty person. How does your mom feel about all of this?

Misplaced Parisian · ‎07-21-2015

@petepetey I just want to say I absolutely LOVE that your mother selected her items for her own bathroom. This is wonderful. Hang in there, sweetie.

cactusgal · ‎12-28-2011

Tell her this

stevieb · ‎03-10-2010

@CelticCrafter wrote:
This is starting to sound like passive/aggressive behavior.

My thought too... Sounds like others are damned if they do and damned i they don't...

In my pantry with my cupcakes...

SusieQ_2 · ‎03-27-2012

"OK. So mom is 85, you sisters are what, in your 50's or older? You've been this way your whole lives, it isn't going to change now, so stop being huffy and enjoy that you do at least have family now.

If your sister was upset with mom, that's between them not you. If mom can pick out bathroom items, she can decide what SHE wants to do about your sister's attitude. She's still mom unless she has dementia.

Why are you upset that you won't get to spend more time at the sister's house? Is that really a big deal? Maybe at this stage, she wants to shorten the day and make it easier on her and everyone. I'd say that's reasonable to me.

So what's really going on here? Step back and see if your hurt feelings and frustration are from stress on you--maybe mom getting older, life piling up on you, or too much to do at the holiday times.

I'd be surprised if any of what you talked about is the underlying problem. I hope you can relax and find peace and happiness for the upcoming holidays. They are a treasure, and one that does change so much at this time of life. Go with the flow, don't expect perfection, and cherish those around you! Cut yourself and all involved some slack." @Sooner

This post is succinct, highly insightful, and said in a kind and thoughtful way. Just as in the previous thread by the OP the issue was never really about chiffon vs traditional pie.

What I find disconcerting is that a sibling would want all this negativity being posted about someone she loves. No one is perfect--not the OP and not her sister. I hope she takes your advice, finds peace and happiness, and begins to appreciate loved ones with all their faults and shortcomings as they do the same for her in return.

Really nice post, Sooner!

nana59 · ‎05-12-2012

@ItsME wrote:
@Patriot3 wrote:
@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@ID2...if you had a sister like mine a sit down would never work...it is never her fault..her way or the highway.....I lived it until I had to cut ties...people are not always reasonable.
@Mom2Dogs I have a sister like that. I finally cut ties, too, and my life is much more peaceful.
Count me among those cutting ties. My first full sentence in life was "Uh huh you mean" after she slammed a door in my face. At 58, after three incidents in two days, I said that's it. Never again. Best thing I ever did.

Mom, who witnessed those last incidents, and understood why I cut thing off, still wishes I'd relent and work it out. But I can't work it out if sis doesn't acknowledge how she treats me, and she'll never do that. Quite honestly, things would be different if she'd been corrected when we were kids, but she was allowed to dominate and bully me, and the behavior was so ingrained that it continued into adulthood. It's a shame, but I'll never have to put up with it again, and my life is better for ending the relationship.

@petepetey .... Sis, who is wonderful to most people, including mom, also mocks mom at times. Sis thinks her way in the only way, when there is more way to do something.

i can relate to your situation....everyone enabled my sister's behavior all her life....3 years ago i stopped speaking to her.....never been happier.....

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

@JeanLouiseFinch wrote:
@petepeteyNo offence to any "older" sisters out there but this seems to be the way things often run in families. The oldest one is usually the boss, the middle is the peacemaker, and the youngest gets labeled as spoiled or favored. I'm sorry you had a stressful holiday. To be frank, we teach people how to treat us by what we put up with and allow them to get away with. I'm thinking you sister has arrived at her position of authority because no one has ever set her straight. It may be that she has other things going on that you know nothing about...marriage related, family related, work related, financial stress, who knows? You could try talking to her one on one and see if you can clear the air. If you want to keep the family party as it's always been, you can offer to host it. Ultimately, if she continues to be more than you can tolerate, you have the option of distancing yourself from her. Maybe a severe move like that would make her stop and think about her actions. If she values the relationship, she'll want to fix it. If she doesn't, you'll know where you stand. It's hard with mom in the middle because moms just want everyone to get along. Best of luck.

@JeanLouiseFinch I think this is very true and I just have to comment on it and give the perspective of the oldest sister.

I commented earlier on what I think @petepetey should do or approach the situation but understanding why someone may do something is often the key to finding a solution you both can live with.

On behalf of us older sisters, we were the first ones tasked with being your babysitter and we didn't ask for the job. And to top it all off, parents wanted you alive and well when they returned or we were the ones who paid for it, often dearly and unfairly.

We grew up under a lot of pressure and we are the first ones everyone looks to make everything okay. When families break apart or have issues and most do, it's the oldest who bear the brunt of it and softens the blow for the younger ones. There are some things we did to make your lives better or easier that you'll never even know we did and we do it all your life, most of us.

We never had the luxury or the experience or comfort of a safety net like younger siblings do with an older person to look out and take care of them. Just one day, I'd love to know what that feels like and have someone else's shoulders carry the weight of the family. Just one day.

My point in saying all of this is that it sounds like your sister from the dishes remark is feeling very put upon. Family responsibility and stress can lead to resentment and her natural need to control is because if everything or anything goes awry, she was probably the one who cleaned it all up or eased the situation for everyone because that's what the oldest does. We are hyper vigilant about 'what's next' and what we'll be called upon to do to 'fix it.' It never goes away.

We are usually the rock of the family even when the rock isn't really needed anymore and that can be a kick in the teeth and lead to a desire to become important again like making sure mom is living in a nice home or that everyone has an appropriate place at dinner.

She is overstepping big time but I think she may be so used to "doing it all" you may not know what a relief it may be for someone to say to her I've got this. It may take a monumental effort for her to believe you, if ever, because old habits die hard but it and she are worth the effort.

SeaMaiden · ‎03-10-2010

She sounds like a lovely person😬 NOT!

I would send her a copy of this thread anonymously....it should let her know what others think of her crummy attitude. Oh sure she will be ticked off for awhile...but if she wants to have a relationship with you...she will apologize.

If if she does not apologize....good riddance!

BadWolf · ‎10-10-2014

@Laura14Wow, that was an amazing post that perfectly typifies my experiences as the older sister also. You put it into such beautiful words. Thank you.