Re: How to politely decline an offer of help.

MarieIG · ‎03-10-2010

My doctor told me to limit people in the home to two to help me - for the first two weeks, due to risk of infection.

As I literally need people who are strong enough to help me walk, that will have to be DD and DS.

Ok, I am a big fat liar.

I don't think you will be able to keep her away indefinately.

Do the math.

alicedee · ‎07-25-2010

@CrazyKittyLvr2 sounds like you DID politely decline, and it was ignored.

if you don't want her there....you are going to have to be firm and blunt....coming right out and saying, "My daughter is going to be with me the first two weeks (or whatever time)....on November 12 I would love for you to come."

If she starts saying no, she will be there as soon as you get home, repeat more firmly..."No....not until the 12th." Repeat as often as necessary.

If she gets mad...which she will, from what you described.....she will get over it.

People who are overbearing will get away with whatever they are allowed to.

alicedee · ‎07-25-2010

@MarieIG wrote:
My doctor told me to limit people in the home to two to help me - for the first two weeks, due to risk of infection.

As I literally need people who are strong enough to help me walk, that will have to be DD and DS.

Ok, I am a big fat liar.

I don't think you will be able to keep her away indefinately.

Actually....the part about risk of infection sounds very plausible. OP said her sister's swollen legs are "weeping"....that would seem to be a risk of infection for someone to be around who just had surgery.

denisemb · ‎12-07-2012

Here's a solution that needs your DD to be in on the ruse:

Have DD call your sister, thank her profusely for her offer of help, but say "You know how mom can be, instead of resting, she'll feel the need to be awake and entertain you, no matter what you say."

Which is how I felt when "double-trouble" wanted to come to stay after I was released after my mastectomy: Mom would have asked "what can I do?" every 30 seconds, and SIL knows more than even the doctors & nurses (and tells them so).

I always advocate honesty; but if that doesn't work, white lies are the next best thing.

@MalteseMomma Sounds like your sister was wonderful woman and you miss her very much; I, too, adore my sister. But some are not so fortunate.

@CrazyKittyLvr2Wishing you all the best!

@Sage04 I'm liking the paint job more and more...

Denise

Scooby Doo · ‎03-14-2010

@MalteseMomma wrote:
My dear sister died of pancreatic cancer and I miss her terribly.

I sure wish she could come to vist me even if I'm not feeling so good!

Same situation here.

CrazyKittyLvr2 · ‎05-11-2013

Sis was not like this when we were growing or even 10 yrs. ago. It's been the last few years she has been "pushy". I can see where it will get worse with age. She tries to tell

her daughters what they should do too. They are intelligent women around 40 and 42.

The oldeer one will look at me and roll her eyes or just give me the "Oh dear God look."

Other than wanting to boss you she will do anything for anyone. She has more patience than I will ever have. We get along great when she isn't trying to do what she wants regardless of my wishes.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@CrazyKittyLvr2 wrote:
Sis was not like this when we were growing or even 10 yrs. ago. It's been the last few years she has been "pushy". I can see where it will get worse with age. She tries to tell
her daughters what they should do too. They are intelligent women around 40 and 42.
The oldeer one will look at me and roll her eyes or just give me the "Oh dear God look."

Other than wanting to boss you she will do anything for anyone. She has more patience than I will ever have. We get along great when she isn't trying to do what she wants regardless of my wishes.

@CrazyKittyLvr2 So here is the situation: This is either the dynamic you are developing that you let her run your life and are ok enough with that to do it, or you learn to say "no" in a non-confrontational way. Just say it, mean it and stick to it, or understand what will happen and be good with it.

To complain about it and let it happen only stresses you more than knowing it will happen and accepting it.

We all are responsible for defining our relationships in the outcome. Many relationships are stressful--but you have to decide if "us" or "them" is more important and more realistic.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

@CrazyKittyLvr2,

With 2 knee replacements under my belt, I will say it is a blessing to leave the hospital and be able to go to your own home, knowing there is someone there to help you.

My husband and daughters were awesome; they knew how and when to help, and when to leave me alone. Just knowing when to leave me alone, is extremely important.

That first week is quite painful and there were times I needed to be left totally alone. I cannot stand anyone hovering over me, or staring at me trying to read my expression and figure out if I need something, so they can rush in to do it, get it, give it, etc. Yes, I might be recovering from surgery, but I don’t need someone constantly in my face or at my side, and I’m not interested in continuous conversation. I want to get comfortable in my recliner, deal with my pain, do some leg exercises, just relax, nod off for a nap, or just enjoy peace and quiet.

Your sister needs to feel needed, and I feel sure 3-4 weeks into your recovery you would enjoy her visit. But she absolutely would not be the person I would want with me when I first come home from the hospital.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@kitcat51 wrote:
If I'm reading your thread correctly you already told her politely not to come so you'll have go be blunt...don't ask her not to come just tell her NO not now. There's nothing wrong with that & don't feel guilty about it...I wish you well @CrazyKittyLvr2.

Exactly. It's your surgery, your recovery, and it should be as comfortable as possible for YOU. You're very, very fortunate to have so many people willing to help and certainly her heart is in the right place. But she should do what you want.

It sounds as though you have to be really adamant about it. Tell her it will not be helpful to you to have her there so soon. You would love to have her come later, and you really look forward to seeing her. Period. Don't get into a whole conversation about how much she can do while you rest, etc. It's not up for discussion. Now is not good. Later is when I'll need you. That should be your message, and it should be crystal clear. No matter how much of a take-charge person she is, this isn't her decision.

Happy healing!

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@suzyQ3 wrote:
@Havarti wrote:
She sounds like someone who will not take "NO" for an answer. She also sounds like someone who needs to be needed. This is a horrible solution but...have you considered telling her a little fib? You could say they changed your plans and it looks like you will be going to in-patient rehab for a period of time to take full advantage of physical therapy and build your mobility at your own speed. You don't know where or for how long yet. You will keep her posted on your progress. You have been told you will be very busy in PT/OT or likely sleepy & resting between sessions but will let her know more about your needs once you know yourself. You are entitled to recover on your own terms.
@Havarti& @stevieb , you both advise that the OP engage in a little fib. I can see how that might be a solution. But from my experience, the OP may find herself in an even worse situation if this bulldog of a sister won't give up. Then the OP is not just dealing with the sister but with her own lie. I think it's better for the OP to be blunt than to make it potentially much worse.

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave...when first we practice to deceive.”

I so agree! Don't lie. The sister will most likely find out, and feel hurt and angry (and rightfully so). That's unnecessary and adds a whole layer of distrust.

This needs to be kept simple with no deceit and no lies. Just complete honesty.