How do you feel about your child's boyfriend/girlf... - Page 7

NJgirl 1205 · ‎02-22-2014

@Demitra1 wrote:
Yes, I've thought about all the sides to telling my daughter how her husband makes me feel, BUT I don't see a positive outcome. We are not drama people, so I don't think she would get "mad" at me as such, but would be embarrassed and things would be awkward.

I also agree with one poster who said it was a mistake to tell the spouse what the family might have said about them. I was quilty of that once, and let's just say I learned that the hard way.

i think just letting things ride is my best option for now. Maybe something will happen in the future that will make things better or make my current feelings come to light. I don't like confrontation, so we will see.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I think it is more about the expectations that your daughter set up with respect to the couple's relationship with you once she got married. Maybe your hurt is misplaced. I think it is tthe child's job to make clear that parents are an important part of his/her life. hope things work out for you!!

NJgirl 1205 · ‎02-22-2014

@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:
@IamMrsG wrote:
@Demitra1 I saw something as a red flag in your earlier post. You said, "They live several hours away...I've never mentioned a word to my daughter...I would rather she be annoyed with me than him. For example, when I visit, I leave earlier than expected when he is around, or I only visit when he is away for business, She doesn't understand why."

My thinking is that maybe he doesn't understand why either, and is interpreting your behavior as that of an disapproving, un-accepting mother-in-law.
You know, that's entirely possible.
My late ex-MIL once sent a messenger to our home to accuse her of "never inviting her over," I didn't realize she NEEDED an invitation - because, to me, SHE WAS FAMILY!!!!

Exactly! Simple misunderstanding! It is up to the daughter to straighten out the misunderstanding but there is no way she can as she doesn't understand either or even know it exists. Time for mom to have a chat with her daughter but I understand not everyone has the kind of relationship where they can have safe, open dialogue with their children

NJgirl 1205 · ‎02-22-2014

@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:
You can't force love, but you can pretend, if you love your adult child.

@NJgirl 1205 I think something like 90% of communication is non-verbal. No offense, but she'll be able to tell if you don't like her.

I think you helped me make my point about merely saying the words " I will love because my child loves ..." thanks! I do find your statement funny-- you say to pretend but then you say it doesn't matter if you do as she will know anyway.

So if you can't force love and you shouldn't bother pretending, what should you do?

IamMrsG · ‎08-29-2010

@NJgirl 1205 wrote:
@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:
You can't force love, but you can pretend, if you love your adult child.

@NJgirl 1205 I think something like 90% of communication is non-verbal. No offense, but she'll be able to tell if you don't like her.
I think you helped me make my point about merely saying the words " I will love because my child loves ..." thanks! I do find your statement funny-- you say to pretend but then you say it doesn't matter if you do as she will know anyway.

So if you can't force love and you shouldn't bother pretending, what should you do?

@NJgirl 1205 I'm not sure whether your question is rhetorical or you were specifically asking @YorkieonmyPillow for advice. At any rate, my thought is there is no need to 'do' anything about or toward a child's choice in partner. Well, other than accept, that is. Just accept.

Strive for respect instead of attention. It lasts longer.

NJgirl 1205 · ‎02-22-2014

@IamMrsG wrote:
@NJgirl 1205 wrote:
@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:
You can't force love, but you can pretend, if you love your adult child.

@NJgirl 1205 I think something like 90% of communication is non-verbal. No offense, but she'll be able to tell if you don't like her.
I think you helped me make my point about merely saying the words " I will love because my child loves ..." thanks! I do find your statement funny-- you say to pretend but then you say it doesn't matter if you do as she will know anyway.

So if you can't force love and you shouldn't bother pretending, what should you do?
@NJgirl 1205 I'm not sure whether your question is rhetorical or you were specifically asking @YorkieonmyPillow for advice. At any rate, my thought is there is no need to 'do' anything about or toward a child's choice in partner. Well, other than accept, that is. Just accept.

Thank you. Yes, of course it was rhetorical as is always the case when someone speaks out of both sides of their mouth where you are doomed if you do and doomed if you don't.

I have EVERY intention of accepting my son's choice. We raised him well and he has a good head on his shoulders so I totally trust his judgement. I was simply venting and voicing my own initial disappointment (unrealistic as my expectations may have been, they were still there). Who knows, things may well change as we get to know each other, and I hope they do.

NJgirl 1205 · ‎02-22-2014

@blackhole99 wrote:
My only son is in his early 30's and recently met the women of his dreams. I liked her very much at first, but now I just like her. They have been seeing each other for 8 months and I guess she considers herself family and now doesn't filter what she thinks and says. My son assured me he isn't interested in marriage anytime soon, but I think if she pressures him he will cave in. All that being said, I trust my son will do what's in his best interest, I raised him to be cautious.

Thank you for the very important reminder that feelings do change and go both ways. vc

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

@Melania wrote:
@NJgirl 1205 wrote:
@Melania wrote:
@cherry wrote:
I recall a story the late great Pearl Bailey told. She was a lovely black artist, and her husband was Italian muscian. This was decades ago when things weren't easy for a mixed couple.

Her husbands father live a quiet life in Italy. and the press barged in with their big, feet and bigger mouths, wondering what he thought about the marraige. He wisely and sweetly said, whom my son loves, I love

I never heard a nicer or sweeter reply than that
I love this and every parent should embrace!!

Parents need to quit making it about them.
I have said that my entire life! But I have realized that you can't force love, nor should you have to. Acceptance is OK, but love.... Sometimes it just doesn't happen though I certainly hope it will for me.

How nice for Pearl Bailey's father in law to be a long plane flight away and far removed from the situation -- much easier to make the statement. My son won't have to deal with his in-laws (assuming things work out with this girl) as they live half way around the world. They can easily make the statement about him as he can about them (true or not!!).
I know it's scary. There is this stranger in your lives and how will it all work out.
Let things evolve and just remember they have their first loyalty is to their family first ( or if they marry to their Spouse) and they have been molded by that environment. It doesn't make them wrong, it just makes them different.
But different can be good!

I have a DIL and now a brand new SIL. We jit the jackpot!! I adore them both.
But then I don't have any expectations of them...they know we are there for them whenever they need us but they have their lives to live and we do not expect to be part of their social circle. That is big because too many parents do and demand to be included in everything. Big mistake, resentment will grow on their part and they will distance themselves from you.
I lucked out in the inlaw department. They led by example.

This is so important. Expectations. - Expecting (as the MIL) to have everything the way you want. Expecting things to remain exactly the same as they were in your relationship with your child as before s/he married. It doesn't, it shouldn't, and it can't. Having an open mind, being flexible, and allowing your child to focus on their relationsihp with their partner in life is what is most important. Letting go.

Hayfield · ‎03-10-2010

NJgirl 1205--I totally understand your feelings and you have every right to feel that way. I don't think it's strange at all, the your DS hasn't brought anyone around until now. I have many friends that meet their child's SO and immediately bring them into the fold and when they break up, the parents are more upset than their child. I had one friend that was really upset, they young man was there for dinner all the time, went on vacations with them, etc. My son is 30 and lives in another state and I've never met anyone, probably because of the distance. It is his business until he decides to make it mine. My daughter does live nearby and I have casually met a few of her boyfriends, when she wanted me to. The first one, I never understood why she went out with him in the first place, the 2nd one, was a very nice young man, it just wasn't a good fit apprarently. I didn't ask and I know that they're still friends as she did mention that. She's currently dating someone and I've met him and she does want her father to meet him. He seems like a nice young man but it's only been 5 months and I'm just minding my own business. We're planning on meeting him in a couple of weeks, we'll go out to dinner somewhere.

I think you're doing the right thing and you sound like you come from a wonderful extended family.

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

BTW and at the end of the day...... I really respect @NJgirl 1205 's honesty about her feelings in her OP and the fact that she is in touch with her feelings, and the fact that she is realistic and open-minded about the situation. :-)

Melania · ‎06-12-2013

@SaRina wrote:
@Melania wrote:
@NJgirl 1205 wrote:
@Melania wrote:
@cherry wrote:
I recall a story the late great Pearl Bailey told. She was a lovely black artist, and her husband was Italian muscian. This was decades ago when things weren't easy for a mixed couple.

Her husbands father live a quiet life in Italy. and the press barged in with their big, feet and bigger mouths, wondering what he thought about the marraige. He wisely and sweetly said, whom my son loves, I love

I never heard a nicer or sweeter reply than that
I love this and every parent should embrace!!

Parents need to quit making it about them.
I have said that my entire life! But I have realized that you can't force love, nor should you have to. Acceptance is OK, but love.... Sometimes it just doesn't happen though I certainly hope it will for me.

How nice for Pearl Bailey's father in law to be a long plane flight away and far removed from the situation -- much easier to make the statement. My son won't have to deal with his in-laws (assuming things work out with this girl) as they live half way around the world. They can easily make the statement about him as he can about them (true or not!!).
I know it's scary. There is this stranger in your lives and how will it all work out.
Let things evolve and just remember they have their first loyalty is to their family first ( or if they marry to their Spouse) and they have been molded by that environment. It doesn't make them wrong, it just makes them different.
But different can be good!

I have a DIL and now a brand new SIL. We jit the jackpot!! I adore them both.
But then I don't have any expectations of them...they know we are there for them whenever they need us but they have their lives to live and we do not expect to be part of their social circle. That is big because too many parents do and demand to be included in everything. Big mistake, resentment will grow on their part and they will distance themselves from you.
I lucked out in the inlaw department. They led by example.
This is so important. Expectations. - Expecting (as the MIL) to have everything the way you want. Expecting things to remain exactly the same as they were in your relationship with your child as before s/he married. It doesn't, it shouldn't, and it can't. Having an open mind, being flexible, and allowing your child to focus on their relationsihp with their partner in life is what is most important. Letting go.

You said it so much better! People need to read that here who are "hurt".

Hurt about what? That you can no longer control yor child's choices? That the person doen't fall at your feet in gratitude for producing such a fine peron they care about?

Try doing that...it will backfire or your if your child goes along with you they will grow to resent you.

Would you ( you, in general) want your parents or inlaws always telling you what to do? See how that works?

As long as your child is happy, remember they live with them and you don't.