How do you feel about your child's boyfriend/girlf... - Page 2

MaRina · ‎08-12-2013

So funny you started this thread. Our son is bringing his "first" girlfriend here tomorrow so we can meet. I say first because the couple of girlfriends he's had were childhood crushes. This seems serious the way he talks about her. We've seen a picture and she is adorable. He said she's shy so we're just going to have a easy laid back evening with Football and Pizza.

We totally trust our son's choices, he's got a very good head on his shoulders.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

He's in his late 20's and if he never introduced you to a girlfriend before, it's probably because he knew you wouldn't like anyone he dated. But this is "the one", so he has no choice now. You seem to be handling it well, at least you respect his choices and know that whether you like her or not, you have keep your feelings to yourself and be friendly and accepting. My girls are both marriend now and I loved my newest sil from the moment I met him. Everyone loves him. He's funny and warm and generous and gracious. He draws people in. It was different with my first sil. I don't know if it was him or me but we did not connect. He was a little distant and instead of entering our circle, he pulled my girl out. It was hard but I kept my mouth shut and when I was in his company, I plastered a smile on my face and was as warm and pleasant as I could be. She loved him and I loved her. They;ve been married for three years now and we have had time to get to know each other. I've warmed up to him and he has let his guard down quite a bit. He'll probably never be a son to us like daughter 2's husband but we are comfortable with each other now. You'll get there too. Give it time. Once you get to know her, you might come to love her.....or maybe just like her.

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

Understandably, moms want, and are looking for, "perfection" in their child's partner.... and a blissful MIL/DIL relationship. I think if you keep your emotions and this ideal in check, you'll be much happier. Ultimately, it's not who you want for your son, it's who he wants and makes him happy. Try not to be disappointed in the little things that you may not like in her -- focus on what's good in her for your son.

Everyone involved needs to work to make a happy family dynamic, but IMO, the future MIL bears the most responsibility for keeping the peace. Take a step back when things get rough.

NJgirl 1205 · ‎02-22-2014

Thank you all for your replies. In case anyone is curious we are a very close family and both my husband and I came from immigrant backgrounds and our kids first generation Americans. Our extended families are also very close and we always considered our in-laws second sets of parents. I have 3 children, 2 boys and a girl. They are all very outgoing and friendly. Their friends all practically lived in our house but girlfriends/boyfriends were always off limits. They felt only special people deserved to be brought into our circle. Absolutely nothing to do with them thinking we wouldn't like anyone?!.!

My husband and I always joked that they would come home and say - "guys, meet my new wife!".... Funny but this is sort of the way it seems to be with this one. My oldest is dating, but doesn't talk about anyone In particular and certainly not bringing anyone home just yet. My daughter is still dating the boy she met in HS. We love him and have from the moment they met when they were 16. They are getting married when they both finish law school next year.

NJgirl 1205 · ‎02-22-2014

@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:
Anyone my son loves, I love.
It's his choice.
If you go against his choice you will pay in the end.
I will find something about her to love.

That's what I always said but am now starting to realize that you can't force feelings, nor is it necessary. What is important is they THEY love each other and that I support their relationship and be the best MIL I can be. I have no intention of going against his choice.

CatLoverDogsToo · ‎03-10-2010

When I met my daughter's first boyfriend, I knew something was "off "with him. I said nothing, but listened very carefully when she talked to me about him. She could tell by my lack of reactions one way or the other that I was not "thrilled". I said nothing because a friend of mine had a problem with her daughter and the boyfriend. She kept saying unfavorable things and preventing them from seeing each other as much as she could. The result, they were sneaking around and terrible things ended up happening. I say nothing because I don't want to drive my children toward a bad relationship.

In my case, my daughter started paying careful attention to everything he said and did, and did not "excuse" behavior. She broke up with him because as it turned out he was controlling, and potentially abusive. After it was over she asked me what I thought. I told her I thought he was going to be a problem, but I knew she was smart enough to figure it out herself. If she hadn't I would have said something. She then said that if I ever have an inkling of a problem I should tell her upfront. Her most recent boyfriend, I initially liked a lot, but then I realized he was lying about his military service and a few other things. I told her and she said she thought so too, checked it out and sure enough he was lying about mostly everything. She confronted him about it and he admitted he had been less than truthful (quite and understatement). They broke up, but he has had a hard time accepting it.

My son is living with a woman that is 5 years older than he is. She has 2 children from a man she was never married to, which she does not take care of, she gave custody to the father. (She was married to someone else, while seeing the father of the 2 kids.)Thank heavens the father is a responsible, great dad to the daughters. She is still married, and having a "hard time " getting divorced. She is in debt, car has been repossessed. She has 1 year of law school, but says she was kicked out of law school because she had a baby. Now we all know a law school is not going to kick a woman out for having a baby. She works as a bartender. She is very friendly, smart and funny, and while I like her, I do not trust her and wish my son were not involved. I say nothing because he is an adult. I just hope she does not become pregnant, because she would probably leave another child. My son is supporting her and helping pay all of her bills, and he really does not make enough money to do that and save anything. What a mess. I needed to vent, thanks for the thread to do it in.

“The price of light is less than the cost of darkness.”
– Arthur C. Nielsen

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

@NJgirl 1205 wrote:
My son brought home his first serious girlfriend and I think she is THE one (never brought anyone home to mama before). He is in his late 20's, I trust his judgment and would never stand in his way. Do I like her? Well, no, not really. Perfectly nice girl but something just doesn't sit right. Maybe my opinion will change with time but I will just keep it to myself and not meddle. He is very very happy and I don't want to rain on his parade.

Maybe I just had unrealistic expectations and hoped to have one of those stories where I was in love with my kids' future spouses, but.....reality check, for sure! I am a bit disappointed and a little angry at myself for feeling this way.

Any thoughts on the subject? Experience? Advice?

signed,
good mother-in-law in training!

@NJgirl 1205

Late 20's/you trust his judgement? No human kids, but did have several girlfriends, and my mother was alive at the time. Did she like all of them? No! Did she trust my judgement? Yes! She died when I was 30.

Was I married? No. Fact met my wife 3 years after her death. Would she like my wife? Knowing my mother and what type of people she liked and respected, like myself, she would absolutely love my wife.

You trust his judgement, time to find out, huh?

hckynut(john)

AuntG · ‎03-09-2010

The newest addition to our family is not the one I would have picked but I figure it is none of my business. What I remind myself is that many of the choices out there would have been far more undesirable. This person works a steady job and isn't all about looks and money but sure does dominate the spouse.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

I know of one MIL who started to wage a full scale war the instant her son announced he was getting married. The war she was fighting was to make darned sure her son and all of the relatives KNEW that he might be married but that SHE came first in her son's life, love, affections, and loyalty.

She lost. If she had won, she would have lost too.

I think the most important thing for a new MIL to do is to support the new family. They are a new family, they will probably make mistakes and have some difficult times. But step back and let them know you are there but it is their life together.

I think that's the way families learn to grow and expand and love one another.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

My daughters are in their mid and late 30's, so we are long past boyfriend drama. Both daughters have dated a lot, and continue to wait for the right one. Neither daughter has ever lived with a boyfriend.

Youngest daughter has dated a nice young man for nearly 5 years. My husband and I like him, and see him as a keeper, but our daughter is content with their casual relationship. Youngest daughter has always marched to a different tune, and this young man is the only man she's ever dated, who truly accepts her as she is. She drives a tractor trailer for a living, making runs to the west coast each week, so he knows she has no interest in coming off the road to be another Betty Crocker or Suzy Homemaker. Neither of them want children, and he seems very happy to have found a girl who isn't worried about her ticking internal clock.

Our girls are very happy and content with their lives, and are doing well financially, which is what their dad and I have always stressed. We know our girls can take care of themselves, and trust their judgment in finding someone to share their life.