How do you feel about this? - Page 3

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

Given the 2 choices you mentioned, assuming it is 1 or the other! I prefer visiting family members or close friends when vision is going both directions. I had several co-workers who had terminal cancer, I saw them when we could carry on conversations, and the same with several close friends that were in Hospice.

After death, to me, is more for those that survive the individual, the deceased does not know of their presence(that of course can depend on one's religious beliefs).That has been and will always be my choice, assuming there is a choice.

hckynut

hckynut(john)

samlet · ‎03-09-2010

I have just one sibling, a sister that lives about a 16 hour drive from me. She is 67 and I am 63. I went to see her about 10 years ago for 4 days. She told me that she would take Friday and Monday off from work to spend extra time with me. I was flying home on Tuesday and on Sunday night she told me she was leaving town on Monday morning for work and would not be back in town so her husband would take me to the airport. I know she could have taken the extra time off if she wanted, but it wasn't important enough to her to do so. She felt she had done her duty. She travelled every week for her job, but was able to take vacations and take time off.

I have not seen her since, but we talk on the phone about once a month. If she were to die tomorrow, I would not attend her funeral. But if she asked me to come visit her, I would go to see her. I have reconciled myself that I am someone on the very fringes of her life. I wish it wasn't true, but it is what it is.

So I would say, visit those you love while they are still alive, but I would not go without an invitation.

jubilant · ‎06-10-2010

In this case, I would say.....do what your heart tells you to do.

MyShadowLove · ‎01-05-2015

@goldensrbest wrote:

If a family member is living their last days, and will die, should you go see them before they pass? Even though it means a plane ticket, i feel it is more important ,than going after they pass.

@goldensrbest ...Whatever in your heart is the most consoling to you personally.....My husband's brother lived in Florida...we are in the Northeast....His brother developed cancer of the liver and, a few weeks before he died, he contacted my husband and I to give us the news that he didn't have long.

My husband made arrangements immediately to go and see his brother to share valuable time with him and be with him...I chose not to go so that he and his brother could share their special time together...They shared things that they never shared before and opened their hearts to each other...My BIL also called me to share some personal feelings with me before he passed on...I will always cherish that last conversation that we had.

So, personally, for my husband and his brother, it was very consoling to both of them to share their special time together before his passing...Just about one week after my husband arrived back home, his brother passed away...His brother didn't want any type of service whatsoever and was cremated.

Always listen to that voice in your heart!

~~Formerly known as "WildFlowers"~~

IMW · ‎06-15-2014

Absolutely

happycat · ‎09-18-2010

I think its better to go prior to the passing, than to the funeral later. I actually had this, back many years ago. We were very poor and I know there would be one trip out of state. I chose to go before my grandfather passed. I haven't regretted it.

kaydee50 · ‎02-07-2011

@geezerette Agree although I've come to realize that funerals are not for the dead--what do they care??--but for the living so if the people who mourn the deceased are important to me, that would influence my decision.

Annabellethecat66 · ‎03-12-2010

Well, that's complicated. I just recently have a best friend for 53 years who died about 2 months ago.

He lingered in the hospital bed for a few weeks. I didn't go see him. My daughter did. She still cries when she talks about seeing him all hooked up, sounding like he was drowning when he TRIED to talk.

Just about 1 month before that (maybe 3 weeks) we saw him and his wife. He was healthy, walking around, giving us hugs and kisses, it was wonderful.

But he slipped, had to wear a 'boot' on his foot. Pneumonia set in and bla bla (and so on). There he was lying in a hospital bed, refusing further treatment, dying with his wife of 52 years sitting next to him.

His family came from across the US. He wasn't aware of them....His son came and relieved his mom so she could go home and shower and eat. He barely acknowledged his son.

As for me, I'll remember the last time I saw him. It was so much fun. He really was my best friend (aside from my husband and daughters). I was his friend and advisor. His wife would call me and ask me to convince him to go see his Gay son get married...I did call and he went and their relationship turned a corner that day.

I mention this because it gives a little history or our relationship.

I'll say this. If the person is able to talk, respond in conversations, isn't all hooked up to a lot of wires, etc...then perhaps I'd visit.

Some people (as it was with my friend) do not want other's seeing them lying there like that.

He'd gone to a huge family reunion maybe 6 months before. I think he'd have been happy to have people remember him then.

My husband died in my arms. They took him to the hospital but he was already dead.

He was taken to the funeral home. My daughters and son-in-laws saw him at the funeral home before he was cremated.

The funeral followed a few weeks later. It was more of a celebration of his life than a funeral. We ate, we watched videos of him and all of us. His friends told funny stories about him, we drank and cried a little, but mainly we laughed at how amazing and funny he was.

If the OP feels a need to go, that's up to the OP. I personally don't believe in funerals. I'll go to his because it is going to be like my late husband's, I know this.

I'd rather be good to people when they're alive. I send cards that say, "Thinking of you". I send gifts and gift cards that say, "Just a little something to remind you I love you"....no reason. I'll send flowers to someone I have visually seen in years (they live far away).

That's my idea of celebrating a person's life...it's how I honor them and show them I love them.

What other people do is up to them.

Porcelain · ‎02-19-2014

If they will recognize you and feel better for seeing you, or if your being there will support other family members, absolutely go.

When you’re accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression.
"Power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

@MyShadowLove wrote:
My husband's brother lived in Florida...we are in the Northeast....His brother developed cancer of the liver and, a few weeks before he died, he contacted my husband and I to give us the news that he didn't have long.

My husband made arrangements immediately to go and see his brother to share valuable time with him and be with him...I chose not to go so that he and his brother could share their special time together...They shared things that they never shared before and opened their hearts to each other...My BIL also called me to share some personal feelings with me before he passed on...I will always cherish that last conversation that we had.

So, personally, for my husband and his brother, it was very consoling to both of them to share their special time together before his passing...Just about one week after my husband arrived back home, his brother passed away...His brother didn't want any type of service whatsoever and was cremated.

Always listen to that voice in your heart!

@MyShadowLove

My niece called me and told me that my oldest sister had cancer that spread and that my sis wanted to just be in her home her last days. My oldest sister was 91 and lived over 1,000 miles from us. She was in her final stages and they all knew it.

My older sister, who is 85, lives just a few miles from our home. At that time my wife was on a Pet Sitting Job and would not be home for over a week. My sister here in the same city, her husband had just had a knee replacement, so!

She has 3 horses, 2 Huskies and a cat. We both were trying to figure out a way to find people that were able to care for our animals so we could fly to see our oldest sister. Unfortunately she died just 2 days after both of us found out from our niece.

My niece lives near my oldest sister and didn't tell me or my older sister about the cancer. We both had talked on the phone with our oldest sister and she didn't say a word about her cancer. Why? We will never know, but she also had told her daughters and son not to tell anyone.

We were heart broken, but we both agreed "it is what it is", sadly. My deceased sister donated her body to a research hospital in her city, as did her deceased husband that died several years prior.

Thus there was no Service at that/this time. My niece told us it could be over a year before her mother's remains will be returned to her. At that time they are going to have a family gathering of those that live in that same city, and complete their mother's wishes.

Me and my only surviving of my 3 sisters are not sure exactly what we will do. It will depend a lot on circumstances when that time comes. She has a knee replacement scheduled, I am not sure when, thus we will have to see what happens and when in regards to the service gathering for my deceased sister.

Very sad for both my sis and myself, but we really did not have a plausible choice because of our circumstances at the time.

@MyShadowLove I am happy your husband and his surviving brother had that opportunity to share some unknown feelings with each other. I am sure that has brought them even closer to one another.

hckynut