Community Chat

[SeaMaiden]

@wismiss   I can not give you advise... but I am sending you a ((virtual hug))   and hope you find the answers or something to help you not feel sad.. I have been married over 40 years and know I would be lost if something happened to my husband... life is so precious and  your post made me realize I need to hug him close everyday.

[Cakers3]

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@wismiss wrote:

How long does it take to adjust to your life without a loved one?  My ex-husband (we were married 41 1/2 years and remained good friends) passed six months ago yesterday.  And, I just got back from the grocery store.  Every time I go to the grocery store I see certain foods that he loved and I  think "I need to buy that for when he comes up the next time," and then realize he isn't ever coming again.  I see women with their husbands or significant others and feel so alone and hope each spouse/significant other realizes how fortunate they are to have one another and cherish the time they have together.  A friend of mine told me he wishes that my life will eventually not be "counted" by the anniversary of P's death.  I understand what he was saying, but right now that is what it is.  I thought when I lost my mother, my brother, and my sister-in-law that I could not possibly feel more grief than at those times.  But, each of them had illnesses that "prepared" me for their loss and I was comforted in knowing that they were no longer in pain.  But, P's sudden death due to a traffic accident that was not his fault but due to the negligence of an uninsured driver with a suspended license who was driving someone else's vehicle and who crossed over the center line and hit P head on has really thrown me for a loop.  

Do you think it is more difficult to work through grief when it is a sudden and unexpected death?

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@wismiss   Your friend is keenly aware of the process you are experiencing. 

You are absolutely on the mark with "right now that is what it is". 

Who can say being prepared when a loved one is dying from an illness is easier (for lack of a better word) than when a loved one passes suddenly, especially from what is viewed as something that could have been avoided; an accident caused by the negligence of another person.

Grief is processed on so many different levels; some will only experience of a loved one through illness-what we tend to view as a cycle of life, if you will.

Grief processed through an unexpected death can certainly blindside a person to the point of being in disbelief, anger at the person who caused it (in your case the negligent driver), and to me-the lost chance to say good-bye.

I feel that is what is weighing on you right now; you didn't get to say good-bye. It doesn't alleviate the loss but had you had the chance-it wouldn't make letting go easier but at least you could say what you would like to say in the final days, as well as he could have had the same chance.

I cannot tell you that your situation is harder; you determine that and since you have no experience with a sudden loss your path is rife with stumbling and twists and turns-emotions all tossed about, unanswered questions as to why, and right now your pain is yours to embrace until such time the pain will lessen but not leave completely.

In looking at the times we are prepared because of illness, the same pain applies; it's just that even when a terminal diagnosis is leading the way, we still have to stumble along with the same questions-why this person, why this illness, how will I cope after the death.....the range really isn't much different.

I sincerely wish you well; your future will be without "P" but it is still your future.  In time, it really doesn't matter how the loss came about; it is your loss, your time to grieve and find a way back into the light.

Remember "P" for what was between you and him; take some time to allow the feelings to wash over you because they are yours and yours alone.

I believe we cannot compare the situations only because we all experience our losses in our own ways.

[gidgetgh]

Whether it's a sudden death or after a long illness, they both stink.  

''People will say "at least he didn't suffer". Or "at least you had time to say goodbye".  People need to say neither of those things to someone who has experienced a loss. It isn't helpful to the person grieving. The loss is horrible, no matter how it comes.

I've done some reading on grief and one of the things I've read is that it is not unusual at all for it to hit at the grocery store.  After my dad died, for quite awhile I couldn't even look at bananas or V-8 juice at the grocery store.  2 of his favorites and I kept him well stocked.

For my husband, I'm able to look at Pepsi and Chessman cookies but it's hard sometimes.

There is no timetable for grief.  Grief is going to do what it wants to do.  

I thought that since I had experienced grief (and handled it well whatever that means) when my parents died that surely when my husband died, I'd react the same way.  What an idiot I was.  totally clueless.  I still grieve for my parents but again, I thought I did well.  My husband has been gone for almost 2 years and it is still extremely difficult.  It's the part that sneaks into your mind every so often.  The finality of it all.  You know in your logical mind that it's over, but every so often that part really hits you and I can't fathom never seeing him again so I try not to dwell on that too much.

To answer your question about how long it takes to adjust?  It takes as long as it takes and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.  You never get "over it". You just learn how to live with it. 

[pieman]

Well, having been a Hospice RN for many years, I can tell you, the patient knows when they have had enough and are ready to return home with the Lord.

I know when my dear dad and mom left their home to enter the hospital, they both looked at me and said  "I'm sorry  but I've had enough".. I remember my dad being hit with cancer which he fought for 11 years, then while driving to Church one Sunday he was hit with a stroke, thank God he pulled over to the side of the road and our neighbor recognized him and called us and the ambulance.

I watched my dad for 9 days come in and out of memory, never forgetting me but did forget my mom. It was a tough time watching him go through this as he'd take my hand and ask me "whats wrong with my head". 

You see, I remember all those hard times for him and I would pray to God to stop his pain and bring him home, where he would never suffer another day, 

On the 10th evening, which happened to be Christmas Eve, my prayers were answered. At that point, my dad could no longer speak but he did open his eyes. His eyes were once so blue, this evening, they were very dark and I new I was going to lose him that night. So I sang to him a song he sang to me every night when I was just a little child, ~Happy Trails~. Tears ran down his cheeks, I told him it was time to let go, all would be well and he did...........

Its been many years and to this day I have never shed a tear because you see, I knew he was going where he would never have to endure pain or sorrow again. 

Thats what you have to keep in mind, Cancer is a miserable, painful disease and the faster they are spared all that, the better for them. Keep in mind all the good times you had and yes, once in awhile grab that item in the grocery store , bring it home and enjoy it, in his honor!

Hon, you will get through this,none of us escape it... He will help you and wouldn't want you so very sad....

I just want you to know, despite my name pieman, I'm not a guy, so when I said Hon, I wasn't trying to come on to you, I'm just a girl;  <smile> who understands your saddness.. 

Okay, now pull up the big girl pants and lets tackle the world.... ~Blessings~

[pdlinda]

@gidgetgh 

My beloved father died of a war-related condition at 58 about 50 years ago.  He was the picture of health and in 12 weeks he was gone.  It was a trauma that I grieved actively for about 10 YEARS and still grieve today.  Life goes on and my life has had many blessings; however, I was very close to my father (and was so young when he passed away) and the treacherous nature of his unexpected death still haunts me.  I still experience the "what if" questions about how my father would have handled different situations that have occurred in my life, including in the present.

My beloved mother, on the other hand, died peacefully in her sleep at the age of 98 five years ago.  We said our goodbyes and she was instrumental in all the blessings I have enjoyed in my life (including after her death).  She was suffering at the end of her life and I was comforted in having her transition into the peace of eternal rest.

The grieving process between both parents was very different. 

Truthfully, I don't think I physically or emotionally could have survived another grueling grieving experience that I experienced with my father's passing so I am so grateful that I was able to grieve for my mother in a much more harmonious and tender way.

[hckynutjohn]

@wismiss 

I personally do not believe there is a "time frame". Everyone's life and relationships are different and in do many different respects. 

As for you very last sentence? I know what my preference is when it comes to that question, but everyone evaluates life and death in different ways. It is not for me to say other than in my own personal experience.

I am sorry you are going through what would be a heart wrenching experience for anyone that loses someone that has been with them for much of their life. My thoughts go out to you.  🙏

hckynut  🇺🇸

[KaySD]

Maybe it seems longer because it all takes place after the event. But grief is such a very personal thing, and there is no variation of how long it takes that is better or worse than another. Same with the anger you feel about how it happened. We don't need to control anything. All we need to do is feel the feelings when they come up, acknowledge them, and then choose a thought that feels a little bit better. I wish you well.