Community Chat

[LucyGoose]

On 4/2/2015 occasional rain said:

On 4/2/2015 LucyGoose said:

On 4/2/2015 YorkieonmyPillow said:

Maybe your stepson is a homebody.

Maybe, but it's starting to seem more extreme than just that. It can't be healthy to hull up in your bedroom for almost two years and not take anyone's suggestions on going fishing.... getting out in the yard.... not even taking a part time job at the age of 20...... now he's growing his hair all long and stringy and has a full face beard.... like he doesn't groom himself at all.... I don't know.... maybe I'm making something out of nothing.

It seems you would prefer he wasn't in your home and he surely knows it and is staying out of your way trying to be invisible. You are missing out on an opportunity.

What's the opportunity?? I would seriously like to know it, because whenever I try to talk to his father about my concerns he just ignores me. What's the opportunity??? I want someone to tell me how to handle it!!

[LucyGoose]

On 4/2/2015 tansy said:

On 4/2/2015 LucyGoose said:

On 4/2/2015 YorkieonmyPillow said:

Maybe your stepson is a homebody.

Maybe, but it's starting to seem more extreme than just that. It can't be healthy to hull up in your bedroom for almost two years and not take anyone's suggestions on going fishing.... getting out in the yard.... not even taking a part time job at the age of 20...... now he's growing his hair all long and stringy and has a full face beard.... like he doesn't groom himself at all.... I don't know.... maybe I'm making something out of nothing.

He sounds seriously depressed:/

Uh, yeah! I asked him this one time and he just said no (while he was laughing at something funny on TV). I think he just simply doesn't want to grow up, and his daddy is fine with that, so I'm stuck in the middle.

[occasionalrain]

The opportunity to be part of this young man's life, to spoil him, to make him feel welcome, to be remembered fondly as someone who made a difference in his life.

[tansy]

On 4/2/2015 LucyGoose said:

On 4/2/2015 tansy said:

On 4/2/2015 LucyGoose said:

On 4/2/2015 YorkieonmyPillow said:

Maybe your stepson is a homebody.

Maybe, but it's starting to seem more extreme than just that. It can't be healthy to hull up in your bedroom for almost two years and not take anyone's suggestions on going fishing.... getting out in the yard.... not even taking a part time job at the age of 20...... now he's growing his hair all long and stringy and has a full face beard.... like he doesn't groom himself at all.... I don't know.... maybe I'm making something out of nothing.

He sounds seriously depressed:/

Uh, yeah! I asked him this one time and he just said no (while he was laughing at something funny on TV). I think he just simply doesn't want to grow up, and his daddy is fine with that, so I'm stuck in the middle.

You've posted often along these same lines, Lucy. If I were you I'd find a counselor, preferably a marriage one, and go to that person on my own for advice and some perspective. I apologize if I'm being too blunt.

[Chrystaltree2]

My girls came home after college graduations but just for a year or so, until they saved enough money to get their own apartments. We didn't charge them rent or ask them to contribute toward household expenses because we didn't need the money and we didn't want them to stay longer than a year. The "rules" really weren't that complicated, they were 21 or 22. Adults. Pick up after yourself; do your own laundry; keep your room tidy; keep your music down or wear earphones; if you are staying out overnight, call and let us know. By the time our "kids" are in college, they should already have a money sense. You aren't going to instill that in them when they are 25.

[LucyGoose]

On 4/2/2015 mominohio said:

I haven't read all replies yet, but here is my philosophy on the topic.

Any child that has graduated and working, whether it is after college, grad school, or even those that finished high school, but have no plans to continue education, must pay to live in my home. It is time for the real world, and you will be doing them no favors to let them live for free.

If they are paying on student loans, then you can take each case individually, and see, based on what they are earning, and what responsibilities they are dealing with leftover from school, to determine just how much they pay.

At a very minimum, they should be paying for, maintaining, and fueling, and insuring their own cars. They should be paying for their own phone. They should be clothing themselves, and paying for any electronic toys they have or want. This, in addition to rent and food, will be their reality when they leave your home, and if they can't pay for those few things, while you cover the food and 'rent' as they are living in your home, then they need to get more jobs, or better jobs to be able to do so. Set a certain number of months after graduation by which those few things are their total responsibility.

Once those things are under control (and I wouldn't give it more than a 6 month window for that to happen in most cases), you should add some sort of a rent payment, or they take over a bill from the household (like they pay the electric, or they pay the cable, or something similar).

At all times, they share the household work, however you wish to divide that up. They need to be contributing to the everyday stuff that needs done. The laundry, cleaning, dishes, yard work etc. Everyone in the house must contribute.

The bottom line is it is your home, and your rules. It shouldn't be so comfortable that they want to say forever. Some may need motivation to move on, and that will most likely come with an increased cost and responsibility level at home.

Your next responsibility is to get yourselves ready for retirement, and that has to become your economic focus, not letting capable adults live free at home, at your future's expense.

Yes!!!!!!

[LucyGoose]

Thank you, tansy. No, you're not being too blunt.

[Chrystaltree2]

On 4/2/2015 RetRN said:

Unless you and your husband have plenty of money for your retirement, I would never allow them to live at home and not pay rent. This has become a real problem in our society.

...spoken like someone who doesn't have any children. Our kids don't suddenly stop being part of the family when they reach age 18 or 21 and you don't charge rent to your own children. You just don't. If money is a problem, you mutually decide on what financial obligations they will have. Life is expensive today, an increasing number of young adults are living at home now but I certainly don't think it's a problem. It can and usually is beneficial for the entire family. I have friends whose "kids" lived at home for 6 or 7 years after college, so they could pay off all or big chunk of their student loans. Young people who are 30, 40 $50K in debit....that's a problem! It's better for them to live at home and pay if off or down. Our girls did not carry a lot of student loan debt and what they did owe, we paid off when we sold our big home and downsized to a condo. But, if the situation was different, I would have strongly suggested that they remain at home and make paying off those loans their priority.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

On 4/2/2015 occasional rain said:

The opportunity to be part of this young man's life, to spoil him, to make him feel welcome, to be remembered fondly as someone who made a difference in his life.

YES!

[Luv2Decorate]

We aren't at that stage in our lives yet, but will be in a 4 years. I don't think we'd charge them rent, but I think we'd make sure that they covered their expenses. I'd still cook dinner every night, and maybe do some laundry if they were in a bind. All of my kids do the majority of their own laundry now. Our kids will graduate from college with no debt because we have saved for their education and they have their own cars now, but I'd like them to pay for their auto insurance. Ha!

I love having our kids home. When our oldest comes home from college, our home is full and that fills me with joy.