Community Chat

[missy1]

On 4/2/2015 tansy said:

On 4/2/2015 LucyGoose said:

On 4/2/2015 YorkieonmyPillow said:

Maybe your stepson is a homebody.

Maybe, but it's starting to seem more extreme than just that. It can't be healthy to hull up in your bedroom for almost two years and not take anyone's suggestions on going fishing.... getting out in the yard.... not even taking a part time job at the age of 20...... now he's growing his hair all long and stringy and has a full face beard.... like he doesn't groom himself at all.... I don't know.... maybe I'm making something out of nothing.

He sounds seriously depressed:/

Does he play games all day?

[Marienkaefer2]

I understand that many college grads have debt. However, charging rent does not mean breaking their bank or causing them hardships. Many people live on their own and pay debt It's , about responsibility, respect for the parents' home, and just plain growing up. Sorry, but the o/p herself wrote that two of her kids have plenty of discretionary income. If they do, then can forego a dinner with friends once in awhile and pay for their own way a little at home. What I paid my parents when I was in college did not hinder me in any way, but it did help me to learn to budget my money.

[Qwackertoo]

On 4/2/2015 Luv2Decorate said:=

I love having our kids home. When our oldest comes home from college, our home is full and that fills me with joy.

YES. My daughter will be home tonight for the long Easter Weekend! I love having her home. And next year when son is gone to college, this house will seem kinda empty. I have plans for husband & I to do more travel and such . . . but still I enjoy having my kids HOME. And no plans to downsize either. I want plenty of room for them to come back and visit after they get married and have their own children.

[brewhaha]

I keep them locked up. They want to leave but I need them to do the chores.

[RetRN]

On 4/2/2015 Chrystaltree said:

On 4/2/2015 RetRN said:

Unless you and your husband have plenty of money for your retirement, I would never allow them to live at home and not pay rent. This has become a real problem in our society.

...spoken like someone who doesn't have any children. Our kids don't suddenly stop being part of the family when they reach age 18 or 21 and you don't charge rent to your own children. You just don't. If money is a problem, you mutually decide on what financial obligations they will have. Life is expensive today, an increasing number of young adults are living at home now but I certainly don't think it's a problem. It can and usually is beneficial for the entire family. I have friends whose "kids" lived at home for 6 or 7 years after college, so they could pay off all or big chunk of their student loans. Young people who are 30, 40 $50K in debit....that's a problem! It's better for them to live at home and pay if off or down. Our girls did not carry a lot of student loan debt and what they did owe, we paid off when we sold our big home and downsized to a condo. But, if the situation was different, I would have strongly suggested that they remain at home and make paying off those loans their priority.

I suggest you get your facts straight. Enjoy your condo.

[Lila Belle]

On 4/2/2015 Marienkaefer2 said: I understand that many college grads have debt. However, charging rent does not mean breaking their bank or causing them hardships. Many people live on their own and pay debt It's , about responsibility, respect for the parents' home, and just plain growing up. Sorry, but the o/p herself wrote that two of her kids have plenty of discretionary income. If they do, then can forego a dinner with friends once in awhile and pay for their own way a little at home. What I paid my parents when I was in college did not hinder me in any way, but it did help me to learn to budget my money.

I'm grateful for the experience of paying rent to my parents. The amount wasn't equal to what an apartment would have cost but I learned what my priorities were and planned accordingly.

[EastCoastViewer]

On 4/2/2015 YorkieonmyPillow said:

On 4/2/2015 occasional rain said:

The opportunity to be part of this young man's life, to spoil him, to make him feel welcome, to be remembered fondly as someone who made a difference in his life.

YES!

I know this is long, but I speak from experience and it's worth the read--

My 30-year old stepson is married with children and lives ON HIS OWN I made the same mistake with my stepson that you are making with your stepson. I judged him 24-hours a day and called it "loving" him. I tried to parent him instead of befriend him. I tried to make him fit into the image of what I thought he should be and do instead of just embracing him for who and what he is and does. I am so thankful that despite my mistakes raising him, my stepson still wants me in his life and wants me to share in the lives of his children. In a text message exchange just yesterday, he ended with "I love you" and I truly love him back.

Your stepson probably doesn't want to live and roam freely in the home because he senses your animosity and doesn't want to start an argument between you and your hubby because of him. A smart 20-year old who could be hanging out in the streets and getting in trouble but chooses to be at home gaming can't be ALL bad. I work with 30+ year-old, highly paid professionals who proudly profess their gaming activities after work and on weekends. (I would be mindful of the "games" he is playing though in a gentle but non-judgmental way.) Maybe a smart guy like that could go to school for software development and make money designing games. If I were you, the times he is in my presence, I would be sure to smile at him, and physically touch him gently and sincerely and tell him how wonderful he is (it may feel like you're lying in the beginning but there's something wonderful about him, find it and brag about it). The more you tell him how wonderful he is and affirm the positive things about him with your words and actions, the more wonderful he will become. I would look for ways to compliment him as long as it is sincere because he will see right through phoniness.

Lastly, I would do a lot of work on myself. I know it sounds like I'm beating you up but I have nothing but love for you but I have truly walked in your shoes and I know "your" shoes can be a blessing to you if you step back, release the bitterness and judgment and embrace an UNCONDITIONAL love for this child, YES CHILD. A 20-year-old is still a child in some respects, especially in the world we live in today. This child is in your life for a reason and if you cleanse your heart of all bitterness and resentment, he can teach you how to heal yourself and put off anger and embrace unconditional love for him, for yourself and for others and it will be the most freeing experience you have ever had. Freely we receive mercy and we need to freely give mercy back. This Easter is the season to celebrate and demonstrate the same mercy that has been extended to us.

I truly wish you the best and I know it is hard, perhaps the hardest thing you've ever been through in your life but the grace of GGooddd is available to see you through this and the grace of GGooddd is available to heal, deliver and set your stepson free too.

The poster who suggested marriage counseling was right on point. Sometimes things are wrong in the marriage and the step children become the scapegoat. Many step parents mistake the step children as the source of the problems, when it's actually a lack of communication, trust or disrespect in the marriage. If my marriage had been stronger in communication and trust 26 years ago, my stepson wouldn't have had to endure so much negativity towards him when he was younger.

I wish you, your stepson and your hubby peace and love. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[LucyGoose]

On 4/2/2015 EastCoastViewer said:

On 4/2/2015 YorkieonmyPillow said:

On 4/2/2015 occasional rain said:

The opportunity to be part of this young man's life, to spoil him, to make him feel welcome, to be remembered fondly as someone who made a difference in his life.

YES!

I know this is long, but I speak from experience and it's worth the read--

My 30-year old stepson is married with children and lives ON HIS OWN I made the same mistake with my stepson that you are making with your stepson. I judged him 24-hours a day and called it "loving" him. I tried to parent him instead of befriend him. I tried to make him fit into the image of what I thought he should be and do instead of just embracing him for who and what he is and does. I am so thankful that despite my mistakes raising him, my stepson still wants me in his life and wants me to share in the lives of his children. In a text message exchange just yesterday, he ended with "I love you" and I truly love him back.

Your stepson probably doesn't want to live and roam freely in the home because he senses your animosity and doesn't want to start an argument between you and your hubby because of him. A smart 20-year old who could be hanging out in the streets and getting in trouble but chooses to be at home gaming can't be ALL bad. I work with 30+ year-old, highly paid professionals who proudly profess their gaming activities after work and on weekends. (I would be mindful of the "games" he is playing though in a gentle but non-judgmental way.) Maybe a smart guy like that could go to school for software development and make money designing games. If I were you, the times he is in my presence, I would be sure to smile at him, and physically touch him gently and sincerely and tell him how wonderful he is (it may feel like you're lying in the beginning but there's something wonderful about him, find it and brag about it). The more you tell him how wonderful he is and affirm the positive things about him with your words and actions, the more wonderful he will become. I would look for ways to compliment him as long as it is sincere because he will see right through phoniness.

Lastly, I would do a lot of work on myself. I know it sounds like I'm beating you up but I have nothing but love for you but I have truly walked in your shoes and I know "your" shoes can be a blessing to you if you step back, release the bitterness and judgment and embrace an UNCONDITIONAL love for this child, YES CHILD. A 20-year-old is still a child in some respects, especially in the world we live in today. This child is in your life for a reason and if you cleanse your heart of all bitterness and resentment, he can teach you how to heal yourself and put off anger and embrace unconditional love for him, for yourself and for others and it will be the most freeing experience you have ever had. Freely we receive mercy and we need to freely give mercy back. This Easter is the season to celebrate and demonstrate the same mercy that has been extended to us.

I truly wish you the best and I know it is hard, perhaps the hardest thing you've ever been through in your life but the grace of GGooddd is available to see you through this and the grace of GGooddd is available to heal, deliver and set your stepson free too.

The poster who suggested marriage counseling was right on point. Sometimes things are wrong in the marriage and the step children become the scapegoat. Many step parents mistake the step children as the source of the problems, when it's actually a lack of communication, trust or disrespect in the marriage. If my marriage had been stronger in communication and trust 26 years ago, my stepson wouldn't have had to endure so much negativity towards him when he was younger.

I wish you, your stepson and your hubby peace and love. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

EastCoastViewer, thank you. I understand everything you said. It's like you've been watching my marriage with my husband for the past 13 years...... it IS a communication problem..... I don't want to hate my stepson. Thank you, I've always known what the problem was..... its not my stepson's fault that I have problems with his father..... Wow... I have a lot to think about.

[EastCoastViewer]

LucyGoose, I think you will be fine and will overcome. I get the sense that you are a good and fun person. After I wrote this, I noticed your tag name, LucyGoose so of course you are a good and fun person!

I commend your willingness and readiness to think about things...that's a great start. For years, I insisted we had problems because my stepson was just a bad kid and this was not the case at all, so your readiness to look at things differently means you are well on your way and ahead of the game.

One last thing I might add and then I'll stop "preaching". I learned along the way that although my stepson's actions, facial expressions and 'TUDE' spoke "I hate you, you ruined my life and I wish you would drop off the face of the earth", he actually didn't hate me and wanted things to get better as much as I did. PEACE AND LOVE LUCYGOOSE!!

[fourpaws56]

On 4/2/2015 YorkieonmyPillow said:

Ditto, fourpaws! My kids will ALWAYS have a home. How wonderful that you live with your son and his family; I'm sure they're happy to have you.

I would've LOVED having a grandparent in the home! I would've loved having a grandparent, period!

I LOVE living with DS and Family. I share a room with my 2 year old GS, we read and play every night before bed, it's the best! and they love Grandma's cooking!