Re: Hosting holiday/retired husband, a vent

croemer · ‎03-10-2010

@LonestarBabs wrote:
I'll never forget one late fall when it was cold and windy, and I was suffering from bronchitis. I had 100 flower bulbs to plant and they needed to get in the ground for spring blooming. I had intended to plant them myself but the bronchitis derailed my timeline. My then husband would not plant them, despite my asking for his help. So, finally, I had to get outside and plant all 100 bulbs myself -- I was wrapped up in scarves and a coat trying to stay warm while coughing and shivering. Notice I said "then husband." He became "ex" a few years later.

@LonestarBabs What a jerk...and good for YOU!

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**Careful... I have caps lock and I am not afraid to use it.**

croemer · ‎03-10-2010

@Sooner wrote:
Why would you order 100 flower bulbs and assume someone is going to help plant them?

Um...she explained...she was going to do the planting and became sick. Any person who loves you would step up and want to help...whether it was something they like or not.

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**Careful... I have caps lock and I am not afraid to use it.**

this is my nic · ‎03-30-2010

Looks like this topic has been going on for some time. I just saw it today, so my comments may already have been stated.

To Petepetey,

You are definitely not alone! My husband is semi retired, works from home a few hours a day. There are so many times there are obvious things that need to be done, but he rarely does them until I ask. I hate having to ask because once upon a time I was accused of nagging. He has no idea what a nagging wife is! I've seen them in action, and I don't come close.

Here's an example of what I'm experiencing. His office and man cave is on the second floor. Our bedroom, and the main living areas are on the first floor. We have storage space on the second floor, so I'll hang clothes or place boxes at the bottom of the stairs so he'll see them and carry them up when he goes up to work or relax. Does he ever take anything up? No, unless I ask him to do so. Why? Errrrr!

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

Honestly, I really think it is a man thing. My dh will do almost anything I ask him to do, but on his own, probably not see that it needs to be done. He does wash dishes or put them away with out asking, so that is nice.

I think when we were first married 40 years ago, I took over all house hold duties, he did a lot of the outside things, mow, trim, etc. Our roles were laid out, and have not changed over the years. Honestly most of the time I do not want help, I have my way and and he has his and if I had him do something I typically do, it would be his way not mine. I am not ready for that.

One thing I do resent is the holidays...I shop, wrap, bake, etc, and again I don't need help but I know that if I didn't do what I do, there would not be a Christmas....I guess I want it both ways and of course that does not work. If I enjoyed the company we have at Chritmas, I probably would not see all the prep as a chore but I don't find the gathering to be fun at all.

GenXmuse · ‎05-15-2016

My husband will do things when asked but he's kind of oblivious otherwise.
I don't have a problem with the closing the door thing because I'll do it too if he's hammering or using the leaf blower etc

I really appreciate him.

esmerelda · ‎03-10-2010

What did all of you complaining about husbands who don’t help sign up for? If they used to help with housework and now don’t, that’s one thing. But if you expect them to do what you’ve been doing since before they retired, that’s on you. Especially if you didn’t work outside the home.

If you want help, ask for it. They aren’t mind readers. And may be unfamiliar with your routines and how you do things. So don’t gripe if they need guidance. And be grateful for their efforts.

*********************
Keepin' it real.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

@Sheila P-Burg wrote:

If this was asked already please accept my apologies. I read all the post but might have overlooked the question.

Curious ..... Do you help him with his chores. Cutting the grass, trimming, shoveling snow, changing the oil, etc.?

During some office discussion we once had, while I was still working, my boss brought up the same question. I hadn't looked at it from that angle. I may have shoveld some off and on, but not the yard stuff. I just remember that.

Common sense is now so rare, having it is like having a superpower.
Dave Ramsey

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@croemer wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
Why would you order 100 flower bulbs and assume someone is going to help plant them?
Um...she explained...she was going to do the planting and became sick. Any person who loves you would step up and want to help...whether it was something they like or not.

@croemer Not necessarily. Maybe he didn't want them planted in the first place. Maybe it wasn't something he wanted to do. Maybe he was tired or pressed for time. We know nothing about the situation except that she did something she WANTED to do, couldn't do it and then blames someone else who maybe didn't want to do it in the first place for not doing it.

It's not about love. Not everything I or my husband WANTS to do is something the other one wants to do. And it's not like it was washing the dishes or sweeping the floor. Planting 100 bulbs is a huge chore. SO my take is why should he be expected to do it? It says nothing about loving someone or not loving them for goodness sakes!

It's about a hobby, not a need. That puts a whole different light on the situation. It's not like he didn't drive her to the hospital or something.

Happiness Is Inside JOB · ‎06-14-2016

Just my 2 cents. I find with my HUBBY, he must be assigned tasks. I must say, please bring the laundry basket to the laudry room, etc.

I started writing tasks for him to do.

For me, with the holdays I have also learned to use short cuts. Get a QVC roast, get a honey baked him, or get popeyes biscuits.

Make the process as easy as possible for yourself.

ANOTHER THING, I have started doing is getting a list of people who I can PAY to do things. Lawn work, cleaning, etc. and I am starting to keep a fund fo pay for work. A time comes in life for ME....where I have learned sometimes you have to pay for convenience.

Happiness is ALWAYS an inside job,
Don't assign anyone else that much POWER
in your life!!!

esmerelda · ‎03-10-2010

@Sooner wrote:
@croemer wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
Why would you order 100 flower bulbs and assume someone is going to help plant them?
Um...she explained...she was going to do the planting and became sick. Any person who loves you would step up and want to help...whether it was something they like or not.
@croemer Not necessarily. Maybe he didn't want them planted in the first place. Maybe it wasn't something he wanted to do. Maybe he was tired or pressed for time. We know nothing about the situation except that she did something she WANTED to do, couldn't do it and then blames someone else who maybe didn't want to do it in the first place for not doing it.

It's not about love. Not everything I or my husband WANTS to do is something the other one wants to do. And it's not like it was washing the dishes or sweeping the floor. Planting 100 bulbs is a huge chore. SO my take is why should he be expected to do it? It says nothing about loving someone or not loving them for goodness sakes!

It's about a hobby, not a need. That puts a whole different light on the situation. It's not like he didn't drive her to the hospital or something.

@Sooner @croemer And there is a wide window during which fall bulbs can be planted. Assuming they were received at the correct time for planting, there was time to recover and still plant the bulbs. If she couldn’t recover during that wide window I mentioned, the bulbs would be the least of her problems.

She mentioned he now an “ex.” My guess is they had issues with each other and the bulbs were the least of them.

*********************
Keepin' it real.