Community Chat

[PodyPo]

A little humor on the subject: My dad retired at 57, and was as many here have described: completely oblivious and reluctant to do any inside the home work. He even complained loudly and often that since he retired, he did not receive breakfast, lunch and supper - “all I get is one meal - blupper” was his lament!

[doxie1]

@ Porcelain

If my DH brought a chain saw in the living room to cut wood I would realize we had more than noise problems!

I agree with you that he probably did not see why he had to listen to the noise too.

[croemer]

Maybe unconsciously...the thought is...he retired...so when is my retirement from household work? Seeing him being lazy..or not seeing things that need to be done...is irritating you? He is retired...that does not mean he should be retired from participating in running the house? Just a thought...

[Lindsays Grandma]

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@vermint wrote:

I thank the Lord every day that my husband knows perfectly well how to take care of himself and the household stuff...and I thanked my late, lovely mother-in-law many, many times over the years for teaching him how to do these things. DH's dad retired before she did, and he wouldn't so much as make himself a sandwich if she was working late! She said her sons were not going to ever be able to truthfully say that they didn't know how to sew on a button, cook, do laundry, and clean house!

To this day (and we've been married 44 years) my DH does his own laundry. He actually enjoys cooking, so we both do that. He takes care of the bills at home, I take care of that stuff at our office. He does just about as much housework as I do.

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@vermint    You are a very lucky lady and your husband had an amazingly smart mother.  Now if all mothers would teach their sons the same way, so many marriages would be happy ones.

[SleepyTime]

I think I read all the posts so far and I haven't seen this suggestion. 

Go on strike and see what happens. lol 

[Lindsays Grandma]

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@Porcelain wrote:

I don't understand why it's so important that he suffer the loud noise of the vacuum along with you. If he brought in a chainsaw and started cutting firewood in the livingroom or something, would you like it if he got mad that you left the room and wanted to keep the door shut? Let him shut the door.

If you think about it from his perspective, he's just minding his business and all of a sudden you choose to start vacuuming and making a racket. Maybe he's reading. You did not ask him if it was a good time for him to listen to the vacuum roar with you. You did it when it made sense to you without consulting his schedule. So it's natural that he would want to shut that out. I would drop that particular wish if I were you. Or...you could set up mutually agreeable vacuum listening sessions...

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@Porcelain   Correct me if I am wrong.  From what you posted I get the message that you are suggesting the  other poster, before she vacuums, should make an appointment with her husband so it won't distract him or annoy him while he is doing nothing.  Set up mutually agreeable vacuum listening sessions?  Seriously?    I will now sit on my hands.

[Lindsays Grandma]

@occasionalrain   So you are saying while the husband is in a room doing whatever it is that makes him happy, his wife should be considerate of him and close the door before she starts to vacuum?   When I was married I cleaned the house when it was suitable and when I vacuumed if you were sitting in a chair or on the sofa pick up your feet while I vacuum under them.

Not only did I clean the house, do the laundry, take care of the children, cook the meals, iron the clothes, I mowed the lawn. took care of the shrubs and flowers, washed the windows inside and out, painted walls, purchased furniture from antique shops, stripped them and refinished them, and the list goes on and on and heaven forbid I shouldn't be considerate by closing the door so the noise from the vacuum won't disturb him?  I don't think so.  Where is this coming from?

[Lindsays Grandma]

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@silkyk wrote:

Perhaps remind him that YOU didn't retire and are still on the job every darn day. Stand up for yourself! Let that bread sit on the floor till he picks it up! (just step on over it) Or ask him WHY he didn't pick it up. Retired for him should not mean LAZY. It just means lots more work for YOU if you don't speak up.

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@silkyk   Well said, I agree with every word.  I know I would be very upset if I had a retired husband who didn't help around the house while I did it all. 

[Lindsays Grandma]

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@suzyQ3 wrote:

@petepetey, I can really feel your frustration coming through. As others have said, your husband's role is probably pretty much ingrained by now. But that doesn't mean he can't change. It just my be a slow process. You should have a very frank talk with him so that you don't let this irritation fester too much.

I think our roles should adapt to the different stages of our relationship. Although my husband and I have always felt that we were equal partners, there were times when it just made more sense for me to do the house stuff. But even then, he was never averse to pitching in with chores. It helped that he had cooked (he had cooked with his mom, too) and taken care of his own place before we married and had no preconceived ideas about such roles.

I say "pitching in" because I don't consider it as helping ME but as our working as a team. That's the reason I've always disliked the "My husband babysat our child" remarks.

Today he is still working, although he has pared down his schedule, and I am retired. Our deal is that he cooks because he loves to and is better than I, and I do most of cleaning, fortunately with some outside help.

I don't ascribe to the rational that you should be just be happy he's alive. That's a given, but it doesn't change your situation. You have every right to your feelings.

@suzyQ3    Well said.  I agree with every word, particularly the last sentence, "You have every right to your feelings."

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[Lindsays Grandma]

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@CelticCrafter wrote:

My husband does nothing in the house.  

I know if I asked him he would do it however I would be right behind him doing it over because it probably wouldn't be to my liking.

One day the washing machine went out of balance and he had no idea how to turn it off.

He has no idea about our finances, where do the pension and SS deposits go, which account do we get our weekly cash from, what account do I pay the bills from.  No sense in telling him, he doesn't listen.

There is one thing in particular I have been telling him for 7 years and each time it comes up, he has no idea what I'm talking about and have to go through the entire explanation again.  That proves that he doesn't listen.  

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@CelticCrafter    All I can say is that you better outlive him because if you go first he is going to be in deep doo doo.