Help Me To Understand This

sparklestar · ‎03-09-2010

I’m going to share this because I find myself very surprised by my reaction. My 25-year old daughter called me this afternoon while I was at work very upset and hardly able to talk she was crying so hard. Her best friend from college called her today and gave her some very sad news. Her mother took her own life by hanging herself. As I write this I am sobbing and I don’t know why. I met the girl a couple of times and her mother once, so while I did not have a close relationship with either of them, my daughter was and is still very, very close to this girl even though they are states apart – they are almost like sisters. My daughter spoke very highly of this woman and spent many college weekend breaks staying with them at their house. Last week she called my daughter and told her that her father left her mother for a younger woman. She also asked my daughter if she would mind sending her mother a card or a note just to let her know she was thinking of her. “Of course I will” was my daughter’s reply. She purchased the card and wrote some words in it but didn’t have the chance to send the card, and then she heard the horrible news today. My daughter kept saying “why didn’t I send that card sooner.” I tried so hard to explain to her that there was probably nothing anyone could have done to change what happened.

But what an awful thing. I felt sick to my stomach. As I sat with a cup of tea after work, I could not help thinking how devastated and lost this woman must have felt. How alone she must have been. What makes someone want to end their life? I feel asleep crying. I’ve been crying on and off all evening. I ache for this person that I don’t even know. Why?

Looking for some words of wisdom or something.

sparklestar · ‎03-09-2010

Off to try to get some sleep.

Kachina624 · ‎03-10-2010

She took her own life because she was in so much pain she felt she could no longer go on. Unfortunate, because as we all know pain lessens with time and we adjust to our new situation in life. Too bad she didn't seek the advice of a counselor, a hot line worker or someone. Of course your daughter's not sending the card had nothing to do with this person's decision. Her pain was not something a card could fix. It's very sad but no one should feel they are in any way responsible or could have prevented it.

It probably upsets you so much because on some level you can relate to this woman. You are probably about the same age, have daughters the same same age and may have had similar experiences. You can empathize with her situation. It's very upsetting for all concerned...imagine the pain the daughter is feeling having essentially lost both parents. Time will help heal all the wounds.

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment

Marienkaefer2 · ‎03-09-2010

For this woman to take the ultimate drastic step, I feel there was a lot more leading up to this.

I don't think it was just her husband leaving that caused her to do this. It may have been the straw that broke the camel's back, but not the main cause. Just my opinion.

She must have been in pain for a long time. Maybe she managed to hide it. You never know what goes on within a family dynamic, no matter how well you think you know them.

I would pray for this woman, that her soul will rest in peace. I would pray for her family to have the strength to get through this. That they not blame themselves, that they realize that their loved one is at peace.

I don't think you can ever get over suicide,but you can learn to take solace that your loved one is no longer in pain.

If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.--Marcus Tullius Cicero

game-on · ‎03-22-2010

This touched you deeply; that is what I am reading. I am not sure what your tears are about.... they could be for your daughter, they could be for some thing that is inside of you that you haven't addressed.

As for suicide.... nobody knows exactly why another person takes his or her own life. It is a deliberate act that is a choice... life seems not worth living.... for whatever reason/s the person perceives. I don't believe that any one reason is usually why a person chooses this; and I don't believe that any one intervention will usually stop a person, if that person really wants to end his or her life. I believe that it is usually a thought out decision... unless a teenager does it... then the teen doesn't have the full comprehension and is often more compulsive.

I wish you peace as you come to grips with this.... I have heard that thinking about suicide and making a decision to live is a chance to grow.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

It upsets you because you can relate to her. At the back of your mind you are thinking "But for the grace of God...". It's a terrible thing, suicide. It's so final. And it brings so much pain and devastation to the loved ones left behind. They spend the rest of their lives feeling guilty and wondering what they could have done, should have done to help. Wondering what signals they missed. Obviously, she was in pain but her pain is over now. She passed all that pain and anguish down to her daughter and others who loved her. Suicide is a terrible thing, it's also an incredibly selfish act.

QP Doll · ‎11-22-2011

I used to think it was a selfish act, but no more. I believe it is selfish to think it is selfish!

DeLaney · ‎04-17-2013

(((sparklestar))) you are maybe over-empathizing right now as you're processing this shocking tragedy. The closeness between your daughter and her friend makes it so personal. I am so sorry for all involved. In time, the same closeness may be helpful to your daughter's friend in healing, and in carrying on. Having those so tender as yourself, and your daughter who can relate so well to her pain could prove very comforting to her.

Peace to you, and all involved.

bells4me · ‎03-13-2010

I think you feel so lost because you are putting yourself & your daughter in their place. I don't think mother & daughter were very close if she didn't see the signs. You also don't want to see your daughter hurting. I hope the woman didn't convey to either girl that you can't live without a man. Unusual way for a woman to commit suicide.

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

Years ago one of my former advisees, just five years after graduation, killed himself by jumping off a building in NYC. The week before, he called me and we had a nice chat. After the suicide I agonized for weeks about why I didn't pick up on his pain when we talked. What could I have said to prevent the tragedy? At the funeral we discovered he had called all of us in that last week. He was saying good-bye to the significant people in his life. I also learned that he had just come out as gay and that his parents rejected him. I realized no words of mine could have changed his mind at that point. I was selfish to think so. Suicides have no idea how many people their act affects. Your daughter is filled with all sorts of negative emotions and hurt right now. She can be supportive of her friend but sending that card would have changed nothing.