Community Chat

[colliegirls]

Yes, there was a long time that I didn't see my mother ( we did talk on the phone some).  No one knows what goes on in a family. Decades of problems leave a lasting impression on a son or daughter. My mother was a very nasty and hateful person to her family. No one on the outside would or could be able to see or know that.  Sometimes you have to walk away from someone toxic, no matter who it is.

[croemer]

I have read you will be sorry if you do not make amends with a family member before they die...that can be true...but there are those who are so toxic that for your own sanity and well being...one must sever ties. For those their grief was long before the loss due to death of that toxic family member.

[MyGirlsMom]

Where's the OP? 

[croemer]

Off making...soup?

[MsLomo]

The daughter was coming over to take her mother to a doctor appointment (she is "giving" to the mother). Daughter had good intentions and thought she'd help the mom by making the soup; probably thought the mom would be pleased. I think she should not have assumed, of course, and she should have asked for permission from the mom, but if my daughter did that for me, I would say, "Thank you! How nice!" I would never reject her and her gesture of kindness by telling her I wanted to make it myself so I would feel useful. (Hunh? Clean out a drawer or something!)

It's not like the daughter ate the ingredients for the soup or made something other than soup with them. The mother sounds controlling. The mother's withholding of the health crisis info is another "control" maneuver, IMO.

My reaction, which I admit, is judgmental and based on only this limited data, is that the mother is controlling with a mean streak. The daughter might be a bit messed-up emotionally after a life with the mother. Maybe the mother is hurtful like this often, but never experiences or shows awareness and does not apologize.

Hopefully, in the future, each will look back on the good parts and minimize the painful.

[chickenbutt]

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croemer wrote:

I have read you will be sorry if you do not make amends with a family member before they die...that can be true...but there are those who are so toxic that for your own sanity and well being...one must sever ties. For those their grief was long before the loss due to death of that toxic family member.

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That's a really good point, Croemer!  I really always wished I had a mother who loved me, wished I was nurtured as a child, and wished I had that relationship.  I never did and I never was going to, so I had to resign myself to grieve what was never to be.  Nothing to hang onto there.

For those who CAN mend things, I would imagine it's the best way to go.  Everybody probably knows what it looks like for them.  

Life isn't easy, eh?  

[SaRina]

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@croemer wrote:

Off making...soup?

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Pffffffffffffffffffffbwahahahaa.  (That was my soda coming through my nose. It burned.)

[MacDUFF]

I didn't speak to my mom for about 10 years.  From my point of view, it was justified (her conduct when she divorced my dad).  

At some point, however, I realized that, if my dad could forgive her, I could, too.  We were never close, and it's not like we had my fantasy mother-daughter relationship after we mended fences.  

The bottom line for me was simple:  She was my mother.  She had given birth to me; she had done the best she could.  I owed her a measure of honor, respect, and affection because she was my mother.  I'm very grateful to have been given the opportunity before she passed away.

I hope your friend and her daughter can mend fences, for both their sakes.  In the meantime, you are a good neighbor and friend, and may you be richly blessed for it.

[Nataliesgramma]

I never quit talking to my Mother...but I only called out of duty. I took so much physical and mental abuse that I would get physically sick when Holidays came around. I tried in her later years to  mend fences, but it never worked. My brother had to see a pyschiatrist and was put on Xanax because of the way she would berate him. I would take her to appts just so my brother wouldn't have to.

It was a weight lifted off my shoulders when she passed.

My daughter and I have a wonderful relationship....so maybe that makes up for it..

[croemer]

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@chickenbutt wrote:

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@croemer wrote:

I have read you will be sorry if you do not make amends with a family member before they die...that can be true...but there are those who are so toxic that for your own sanity and well being...one must sever ties. For those their grief was long before the loss due to death of that toxic family member.

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That's a really good point, Croemer!  I really always wished I had a mother who loved me, wished I was nurtured as a child, and wished I had that relationship.  I never did and I never was going to, so I had to resign myself to grieve what was never to be.  Nothing to hang onto there.

For those who CAN mend things, I would imagine it's the best way to go.  Everybody probably knows what it looks like for them.  

Life isn't easy, eh?  

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Exactly my point chicken... I too had differences with my mother and stopped speaking to her at one time. Sadly it was the most peaceful time of my life. I did reconnect and took care of her for years to the best of my ability...treated her kindly and she hurt me deeply when she left this world. I am pleased I did everything I could...willingly for her...till the end...but in the end...she hurt me once again. Everyone has to decide for themselves what is best for them.