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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,672
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: HELP MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO MOVE TO FLORIDA


@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:

@Lindsays Grandma if you are living together to share expenses & she cannot make it on her own, just how does she plan to move to Florida?

 

Does she just expect you to go, too, without your agreement?


You hit the nail right on the head. She made it verbally clear by telling me I can stay here and rot because she is going to FL.

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,279
Registered: ‎05-15-2010

Re: HELP MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO MOVE TO FLORIDA

You are in a terrible spot and I am sorry.  She knows well how you feel about moving to FL, so I would not say anything more.  Let things quiet down for a while.  Things have a way of working out as they should.  Don't make yourself sick over this.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,808
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

Re: HELP MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO MOVE TO FLORIDA

[ Edited ]

@Lindsays Grandma  I'm with you.  If it were me I would do some research and find a way to live more cheaply on my own.  I would look for a job - full or part time (perhaps as a live-in nanny since that is what you basically are now) to supplement my income and she will have to find a way to be self sufficient on her own.  It sounds like you have made her life too easy and she just assumes you will have to go with what she wants. It probably won't be easy but much easier for you to stay than it will be for her to leave and make it on her own.  Maybe you should consider family counseling to get her to realize she needs to be realistic and not just make a move on a whim!   If it was just her but she has a child she needs to consider!

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,829
Registered: ‎03-18-2010

Re: HELP MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO MOVE TO FLORIDA


@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

@Irshgrl31201 wrote:

@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

@KathyPet wrote:

YOu are telling us why you don't want to go to FL. But are not telling us why your daughter is so insistent on going. WHat is so great that she wants to move there?  HAs she ever been there?


 

She hates AZ and wants out.  Why she picked FL I don't know and when I explained what she will be up against she dug in her heels.  My parents lived there when my Dad retired. My sister moved there when her husband retired and still does but she has a house on the lake in Maine and that is where she spends her summers. A number of people who lived there told her not a good idea but she is controlling.  I gave in when she wanted us to move to AZ and I don't want to see her make another mistake, she doesn't do her homework.  Unfortunately she gives me no choice and she needs me for financial reasons, she can't afford to live alone and neither can I but it is her way whether I like it or not.


Have you mentioned her visiting there for a while before moving?

 

Some people have to experience and make choices themselves. Just no amount of "other peoples experiences" will do.

 

Instead of fighting with your daughter, tell her you would probably look into getting a roommate if she decided that is that she really wanted to move. Tell her you don't feel you have another move in you and even if you do FL is not your cup of tea. Tell her you want her to be happy and you don't want to stand in her way. That way you aren't telling her an outright no, but she does need your help with money it sounds like and definitely childcare so in essence if you don't go, she can't go. While I am not in favor of telling a grown adult not what to do, just going by what you have said she has made some decisions she may have not thought out as much as she should have. That is up to her to do though as an adult but I also don't think you should be forced to go to a place you don't want to either just because she decides she wants to move to a place she has never been. 

 

By you telling her that will you find a roommate (and you may have to so be prepared) you aren't saying no to her moving outright. Does that make sense, do you know what I mean?


Yes, it makes a lot of sense.  I can try it but knowing her she won't beieve it for a minute.  Who plans to move across country to live in a state they have only seen on the internet?  It clearly shows she is not thinking.


It sounds like you may not just have to "say" you are not moving, but also prepare. Am I right when I say that you have no intention of moving to FL at all, would you be willing to find a roommate or a less expensive place to live if you had to? 

 

I think you really need to sit down with her. No jabbing but letting her know that you felt rushed in the previous move or that is was a bad idea but you went along anyway. Doing so without throwing it in her face. Sometimes a person thinks that the next thing is going to be the thing that will be the perfect answer and it really sounds like your daughter thinks this about FL for whatever reason. It sounds like she thinks this move will be the answer to all of her problems. GEOGRAPHY DOES NOT CHANGE YOUR PROBLEMS. If someone is having problems with their life, moving somewhere where you know no one and have no support system can many times add to it. I am not against moving to a place you have never been before, I have done it myself but it needs to be done in a smart way. Tell her she really needs to consider if she could make this move without you being there to watch her daughter (free childcare is HUGE), having half or your money each month and ask her if she really believes wholeheartedly that pulling her daughter out of a school and away from friends to go to a place she has never been and knows no one is what she thinks is best. If she really does after all of that then I think it is time for you to look into a place you can afford or a roommate to offset your monthly costs.

 

I don't know your daughter or you. I am ONLY going by what you say and I will take your word for the sake of this conversation that she may have been a little flighty and made rash decisions without really thinking them through. One question I forgot to ask earlier. How does your granddaughter feel? Does she want to go?

 

It sounds like from what you have said, your daughter cannot move if you don't. You responded to my post by saying " I can try it but knowing her she won't believe it for a minute." I don't quite understand this. You can do more than TRY. You can tell her if she wants to move, you wish her all the luck in the world but at this time in your life you do not want to move. So you will be staying in AZ so she and your granddaughter will be making the move alone. I don't understand what there is to "TRY" and what there is not to believe. If you don't want to move, then don't move. From everything you have stated, she is not financially in the position to move without you. Are you saying she would MAKE you move against your will? 

 

If I am misunderstanding anything please let me know @Lindsays Grandma.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,829
Registered: ‎03-18-2010

Re: HELP MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO MOVE TO FLORIDA


@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:

@Lindsays Grandma if you are living together to share expenses & she cannot make it on her own, just how does she plan to move to Florida?

 

Does she just expect you to go, too, without your agreement?


You hit the nail right on the head. She made it verbally clear by telling me I can stay here and rot because she is going to FL.


 

She actually said ROT? 

 

I think you have your answer then @Lindsays Grandma. You need to look for a cheaper place if you cannot afford where you currently are or look for a roommate. I know it is not ideal but if you do not want to go you don't have another choice.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,494
Registered: ‎06-15-2014

Re: HELP MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO MOVE TO FLORIDA


@granny me wrote:

It's my opinion you should let your daughter go with your blessings. It's her life, and she needs to experience and live out her dreams. I am sure you will miss her, but pushing her to stay may push her away in ways you don't want

 

Very wise advice.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,660
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: HELP MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO MOVE TO FLORIDA

[ Edited ]

It sounds like your granddaughter is old enough to have some input here as you indicate you have been with her and your daughter for 13 years.  HOw o,d is your granddaughter?  WHat grade is she in?  HOw does she feel about this?  CAn you enlist her as a ally?

 

Also, have you investigated any other alternatives for you to remain in Az without your daughter?  I know my MIL was on a very limited budget and she lived in a church sponsored assisted living facility where the monthly fee was tied to the resident's income level.  Don't know if there are any such places where you are.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,243
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

Re: HELP MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO MOVE TO FLORIDA

Just my opinion, save your home...in case after awhile, she decides to return home. It has been done before. Not only that, she may be there awhile, and decide to go to somewhere else. She isn't leaving planet Earth yet, planes, trains, phones. In time. Youngers have wonderlust and we raise them to fly. They can leave the bird's nest and fly back home if and when they want to.  All is not lost.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,342
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: HELP MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO MOVE TO FLORIDA

[ Edited ]

@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:

@Lindsays Grandma if you are living together to share expenses & she cannot make it on her own, just how does she plan to move to Florida?

 

Does she just expect you to go, too, without your agreement?


You hit the nail right on the head. She made it verbally clear by telling me I can stay here and rot because she is going to FL.

 

 

 

If someone, especially a family member, said that to me, then I'd stay right where I was and "rot".  Such disrespect to you.  I'd try to find a roommate to help with your expenses and wish her well and let her go.  From what I can tell, your granddaughter is in her mid teens now.  She should be able to get herself up and going each day.

 

Maybe this would be a good time for your daughter to try to find a job that would give her more financial independence.  Plenty of single people afford to live on their own.

 

You ain't seen stubborn till you've seen me when someone tells me what I HAVE to do.


 


Why is it, when I have a 50/50 guess at something, I'm always 100% wrong?
Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,171
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: HELP MY DAUGHTER WANTS TO MOVE TO FLORIDA

[ Edited ]

If you can't reason with her and can afford to live on your own then it's time to cut the apron strings and let her go off.

 

If she was the 2 month old baby in 1965, she's 51 years old - time to stop enabling.