Community Chat

[Lindsays Grandma]

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

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@Moonchilde wrote:

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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truffle wrote:@Moonchilde

Spoiler

Your situation sounds unbearable @Lindsays Grandma fraught with anxiety and fear for your future.  If you daughter has stated she will always be there for you then she should be good on her word.  It is clear that you need her and cannot survive without her.  I don't blame you for not wanting to relocate as moving is always stressful nevermind that it's a location you find unacceptable.  You have to make it clear that you are not moving and that she, as your caregiver, will destroy not just your life but hers too as there is a co-dependency.  

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This is way too heavy-handed for me.  I can't imagine saying that to anyone under any circumstances.

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We don't really know the degrees of co-dependency here, and who has the "upper hand" so to speak in terms of both finances and emotional blackmail. We don't know if the daughter *could* actually pull up stakes and financially make it without her mother; perhaps she could, and that's what is disturbing the OP.

Or perhaps the OP could not afford to live on her own without shared expenses. 

There seems to be an expectation for the daughter to "take care of" her (emotionally & financially?), but only in a way that the OP is happy with.

Sometimes ya gotta do what ya gotta do, and if having a roof over your head and sufficient financial and emotional support means moving where you don't particularly want to, that's the price to be paid.

Trying in whatever way to force the daughter to stay put and do what the OP wants will only lead to resentment and anger - and who knows what in the future. People usually fight hard against being controlled, and it wouldn't be pretty.

As we get older, less independent and more dependent on others for our well-being, we are much in their hands, like it or not. It's a trade-off. We don't always get to have it all our way. There's a price to be paid for that as well.

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@Moonchilde

I agree with everything that you said.

Maybe the daughter is sick and tired of being her mother's caregiver.

Maybe she is burnt out catering to her mother's demands.

Maybe the daughter is ready to live her life on her own.

I think that the o/p is holding her daughter's past against her. That just because she couldn't afford to live on her own, does not mean that she never will.

If the o/p insists on stopping her daughter, not only does she run the risk of never seeing her daughter again, but also never seeing her granddaughter again.

Is it really worth it just to get your way? 

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Excuse me, my daughter is not my caregiver.  I am the one who has been catering to her wishes and helping  her.  She can't afford to make it on her own, I am the one who has been helping pay her way.  I am holding her past against her?  If she would do her homework before jumping into the fire she might be able to take care of herself so I have some extra money left over at the end of the month for things I need.

[truffle]

My mistake @Lindsays Grandma.  I erroneously thought she was your caregiver.  Good luck to you.  I hope it all works out.  

[Irshgrl31201]

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@truffle wrote:

Your situation sounds unbearable @Lindsays Grandma fraught with anxiety and fear for your future.  If you daughter has stated she will always be there for you then she should be good on her word.  It is clear that you need her and cannot survive without her.  I don't blame you for not wanting to relocate as moving is always stressful nevermind that it's a location you find unacceptable.  You have to make it clear that you are not moving and that she, as your caregiver, will destroy not just your life but hers too as there is a co-dependency.  

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I think taking this tactic should be avoided at all costs.

[truffle]

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@Irshgrl31201 wrote:

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@truffle wrote:

Your situation sounds unbearable @Lindsays Grandma fraught with anxiety and fear for your future.  If you daughter has stated she will always be there for you then she should be good on her word.  It is clear that you need her and cannot survive without her.  I don't blame you for not wanting to relocate as moving is always stressful nevermind that it's a location you find unacceptable.  You have to make it clear that you are not moving and that she, as your caregiver, will destroy not just your life but hers too as there is a co-dependency.  

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I think taking this tactic should be avoided at all costs.

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@Irshgrl31201  The OP has already explained that her daughter is not her caregiver, I erroneosuly thought she was.  If a caregiver has made a committment to someone then yes it is unfair to force her mother to move when she doesn't want to.  There does sound like a co-dependency.  I would not tolerate being held hostage by my daughter because she is unstable and wants to move on a whim.  

[Irshgrl31201]

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@truffle wrote:

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@Irshgrl31201 wrote:

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@truffle wrote:

Your situation sounds unbearable @Lindsays Grandma fraught with anxiety and fear for your future.  If you daughter has stated she will always be there for you then she should be good on her word.  It is clear that you need her and cannot survive without her.  I don't blame you for not wanting to relocate as moving is always stressful nevermind that it's a location you find unacceptable.  You have to make it clear that you are not moving and that she, as your caregiver, will destroy not just your life but hers too as there is a co-dependency.  

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I think taking this tactic should be avoided at all costs.

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@Irshgrl31201  The OP has already explained that her daughter is not her caregiver, I erroneosuly thought she was.  If a caregiver has made a committment to someone then yes it is unfair to force her mother to move when she doesn't want to.  There does sound like a co-dependency.  I would not tolerate being held hostage by my daughter because she is unstable and wants to move on a whim.  

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I do agree if she was her caregiver and they agreed to it, that would be a different story. This is a difficult situation either way but it sounds like her daughter is going to do what she is going to do and it might be best if the OP finds a roomate.

[Lindsays Grandma]

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@KathyPet wrote:

YOu are telling us why you don't want to go to FL. But are not telling us why your daughter is so insistent on going. WHat is so great that she wants to move there?  HAs she ever been there?

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She hates AZ and wants out.  Why she picked FL I don't know and when I explained what she will be up against she dug in her heels.  My parents lived there when my Dad retired. My sister moved there when her husband retired and still does but she has a house on the lake in Maine and that is where she spends her summers. A number of people who lived there told her not a good idea but she is controlling.  I gave in when she wanted us to move to AZ and I don't want to see her make another mistake, she doesn't do her homework.  Unfortunately she gives me no choice and she needs me for financial reasons, she can't afford to live alone and neither can I but it is her way whether I like it or not.

[Irshgrl31201]

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@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

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@KathyPet wrote:

YOu are telling us why you don't want to go to FL. But are not telling us why your daughter is so insistent on going. WHat is so great that she wants to move there?  HAs she ever been there?

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She hates AZ and wants out.  Why she picked FL I don't know and when I explained what she will be up against she dug in her heels.  My parents lived there when my Dad retired. My sister moved there when her husband retired and still does but she has a house on the lake in Maine and that is where she spends her summers. A number of people who lived there told her not a good idea but she is controlling.  I gave in when she wanted us to move to AZ and I don't want to see her make another mistake, she doesn't do her homework.  Unfortunately she gives me no choice and she needs me for financial reasons, she can't afford to live alone and neither can I but it is her way whether I like it or not.

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Have you mentioned her visiting there for a while before moving?

Some people have to experience and make choices themselves. Just no amount of "other peoples experiences" will do.

Instead of fighting with your daughter, tell her you would probably look into getting a roommate if she decided that she really wanted to move. Tell her you don't feel you have another move in you and even if you do FL is not your cup of tea. Tell her you want her to be happy and you don't want to stand in her way. That way you aren't telling her an outright no, but she does need your help with money it sounds like and definitely childcare so in essence if you don't go, she can't go. While I am not in favor of telling a grown adult not what to do, just going by what you have said she has made some decisions she may have not thought out as much as she should have. That is up to her to do though as an adult but I also don't think you should be forced to go to a place you don't want to either just because she decides she wants to move to a place she has never been. 

By you telling her that will you find a roommate (and you may have to so be prepared) you aren't saying no to her moving outright. Does that make sense, do you know what I mean?

[Kachina624]

@Reba055  With all due respect, you do not adjust or get used to or even learn to accept the heat and humidity.  It's relentless and on-going, you don't realize how bad it is until you leave and no longer have to fight it.  If you live in any communal sort of accommodation like a condo or apartment, the fight to get rid of bugs is also constant and on-going and never fully accomplished.  It's almost impossible to own a pet because fleas are so problematic.  I haven't seen a single flea or cockroach since I left Houston.  Hallelujah!  Would never, ever live in such a place again.  Cruised the Western Caribbean and could hardly wait to leave the hot sticky places and get home.

[Irshgrl31201]

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@Kachina624 wrote:

@Reba055  With all due respect, you do not adjust or get used to or even learn to accept the heat and humidity.  It's relentless and on-going, you don't realize how bad it is until you leave and no longer have to fight it.  If you live in any communal sort of accommodation like a condo or apartment, the fight to get rid of bugs is also constant and on-going and never fully accomplished.  It's almost impossible to own a pet because fleas are so problematic.  I haven't seen a single flea or cockroach since I left Houston.  Hallelujah!  Would never, ever live in such a place again.  Cruised the Western Caribbean and could hardly wait to leave the hot sticky places and get home.

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I agree @Kachina624 humidity is difficult to get used to. I have visited FL  many many times. Different parts as well and for me the bugs are horrendous. I have 4 friends who have all moved down within the past couple of years (plus family who has lived there all my life) and while they love FL for the weather, they all hate the bugs. I hate the bugs here in NC and we have contracted pest control. It just can't be avoided in humid areas like ours.

[Lindsays Grandma]

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@Irshgrl31201 wrote:

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@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

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@KathyPet wrote:

YOu are telling us why you don't want to go to FL. But are not telling us why your daughter is so insistent on going. WHat is so great that she wants to move there?  HAs she ever been there?

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She hates AZ and wants out.  Why she picked FL I don't know and when I explained what she will be up against she dug in her heels.  My parents lived there when my Dad retired. My sister moved there when her husband retired and still does but she has a house on the lake in Maine and that is where she spends her summers. A number of people who lived there told her not a good idea but she is controlling.  I gave in when she wanted us to move to AZ and I don't want to see her make another mistake, she doesn't do her homework.  Unfortunately she gives me no choice and she needs me for financial reasons, she can't afford to live alone and neither can I but it is her way whether I like it or not.

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Have you mentioned her visiting there for a while before moving?

Some people have to experience and make choices themselves. Just no amount of "other peoples experiences" will do.

Instead of fighting with your daughter, tell her you would probably look into getting a roommate if she decided that is that she really wanted to move. Tell her you don't feel you have another move in you and even if you do FL is not your cup of tea. Tell her you want her to be happy and you don't want to stand in her way. That way you aren't telling her an outright no, but she does need your help with money it sounds like and definitely childcare so in essence if you don't go, she can't go. While I am not in favor of telling a grown adult not what to do, just going by what you have said she has made some decisions she may have not thought out as much as she should have. That is up to her to do though as an adult but I also don't think you should be forced to go to a place you don't want to either just because she decides she wants to move to a place she has never been. 

By you telling her that will you find a roommate (and you may have to so be prepared) you aren't saying no to her moving outright. Does that make sense, do you know what I mean?

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Yes, it makes a lot of sense.  I can try it but knowing her she won't beieve it for a minute.  Who plans to move across country to live in a state they have only seen on the internet?  It clearly shows she is not thinking.