Community Chat

[terrier3]

My 35 year old son is single and bi-coastal. He works in film - and like everyone in that industry, he works from job to job.

I bought my brownstone because it had a servant's quarters set up on the first floor. He can come home, work (he does local commercial production) and then can up and go as his job takes him. He spent 6 weeks in England and will be going to Thailand for 8 weeks soon. He rents a place in LA year round.

I can't imagine NOT welcoming my child - my flesh and blood - into OUR home!!!

My only "rule" is that he tells me if he'll be home for dinner. The separate entrance and the quarters on another floor help too.

Your children are ALWAYS your family, even if they have a family of their own, IMO. Acting as if they aren't welcome goes both ways - what if the older parents will need assistance in the future? Should the son say "no" - you are on your own to HIS parents???

[Annabellethecat66]

You are better than me.  I love...no...I thinkI'm not dramatizing things to say I 'worship' my daughters (and the two who are married, their husbands....Oh!  and their total of 7 grandchildren).

HOWEVER, there is no way I will every (any longer, been there, done that) have a family member live with me, no matter who it is.

I'll admit it was always a single person and for many different reasons.  However, it did drive me crazy!  It affected my (then younger and living at home 3 children).  It caused our household to be turned upside down.

My sister's daughter lived with us because her step-father put her and her possessions out on the curb.  We financed her nursing education while she lived with us.  More than one time my late husband had to go down to her room and PULL her up and say, "Get to school".  It worked and now she's an RN, living on her own.  She often gives us credit for saving her life and helping her.

My sister (older) lived with us for several months and it was the closest I ever came to checking myself into a mental institution (I don't say that lightly because I have family members who lived a good part of their life in one).  

It was the constant intrusion in our family business.  The unsolicited advice, and on and on.  That's what I hated.

Anyway, as for me.  I don't want to live with my girls, they don't want me to live with them.  They've always known if they need a place to live I would (without hesitation) rent them a house or whatever they needed.....but we will not live together.

I know everyone is different and in the 'old days' families lived together.  I know in my family it would never work.

I hope for the OP's sake it works out and it is temporary.  I just know too many other people who started off 'doing the right thing' and it ended up kicking them in the (insert your word).

Phew!  I think I need to get off of here.  I'm just feeling way too negative.....truthful...but negative...Annabelle. 

[LilacTree]

After the War (II), there was a severe housing shortage.  We were just babies then, my youngest brother still in a crib.  My parents could not find a place that would take in an Italian family with four children.  So we had to live in a children's home while my parents (who found a one room studio apartment) tried desperately to find a place for us.  We hated it there and cried all the time.

The County found out that my mother's mother (I do not call her the usual name) had a house and forced her to take us from the county home.  Maybe she received money for it, I will never know.  It was hell there too because she didn't want us, she hated my father and called him names.  She was mean to us and I remember my mother crying all the time.   

I have had my girls, my sister, and a friend live with me on and off over many years.  My girls would leave and come back for all kinds of reasons.  My sister was indigent when she and her husband separated, and my friend . . . well that's too long a story and I've told it before.

I won't say it was all roses and sunshine, sometimes it was very hard.  But I could never bring myself to be all settled and comfy by myself while loved ones needed a bed to sleep in.  In fact, I am doing it again here with my daughter and it's not always easy because her illness has changed her so much from who she once was.  However, no matter what, I will never abandon her.  This lasts as long as she wants it to, and I can't see her ever being able to go it alone unless a miracle happens.  It will never end because of me as long as I'm alive.

[Happiness Is Inside JOB]

I could not do it,I would assist with the costs for him and his family to rent a house,  5 additional people, not me!😯😯😯

[lulu2]

I would not think twice about having our son move in with us if a situation warranted it.

Actually, our son and his family did move into our home when he took a job back here. (after living in CO)  Luckily we had a large house. (and a carriage house on the property my husband and I moved into)  I loved having our Grands nearby and was sad when they moved into another home.

After my mother died, my father and sister lived with us.  When my older sister and her husband died, her boys moved in with us.  When it's family, they are always welcome. 

I am no saint and there were times I wanted to scream, "enough" but I knew this too would pass.

[jubilant]

A lot of it has to do with how well you get along with your child and their spouse.  Op seems to have plenty of room so they wouldn't be on top of each other.  In a case like this, I would do it.  They are used to living on their own too and I would rather imagine son and family are wanting to get settled in and back to their normal lifestyles as soon as possible.  I think a whole lot of this depends on your family dynamics.  

On the other hand, if my adult child, was very immature and/or had a toxic personality or was married to someone who had a toxic personality......I would think twice.    

[happycat]

This thread has made me think of a time long ago, when my younger sister had a small child and was in an abusive marriage. And NO, I would have never married the idiot to begin with, but we all do make mistakes.

I can't imagine my momma and daddy telling her "No, you and your child can't come back home." She came home, she got a job, she got a better job, met her now husband. And now is happy and has a sucessful career.

I know this has nothing to do with @Shanus's situation, but I have to wonder, if the same people who wouldn't want the son coming home would feel different if it was a daugher?

 My son and my daughter will always be welcome here.

[Shanus]

@happycat. Great observation.

[noodleann]

I haven't read more than the first page of replies so I don't know if someone else said it, but the biggest thing I see missing from the OP's list is one that I'd put on the table right now.

It's a deadline.

Things seem rosy right now, but that's before you are outnumbered by another family (yes, they are another family, just ask his wife), and you may come to regret even thinking that your home is "his."

It is not his home, or did  I miss the part where he's made the mortgage payments, paid for the heating and cooling, real estate taxes, etc? It is not his home, it's yours. He's made another life and needs to make his own home elsewhere. NOW is the time to set a deadline for when they leave, BEFORE the wife and kids arrive. I have read account after account of grown children becoming much too comfortable when couch surfing with friends and relations, sponging food, housing, and shelter from them indefinitely. They spend instead of saving, so their security deposit or down payment on a house evaporates. The stress on the put-upon parent can be extreme.

Your son may be responsible, but the fact that he's in this predicament suggests otherwise. Set a deadline now. I'd make it August 15, by which time they should have found a place and moved in and be ready to start the new school year. It needs to be non-negotiable, otherwise it'll be extended and extended.

If your son is not really responsible with money, I'd also require that he pay a substantial amount to you from every paycheck, which you will hold for him in an account that he can check but not access until they've found the house or apartment. Think of it as his way of proving that he is going to assume responsibility for the burden he's shouldered--his wife and kids. If he refuses to let you hold the funds, I would reconsider the entire arrangement, to be frank.

Also, if they foul up and haven't found a place by August 15, you can give him the money and he can buy temporary lodging until they do. If you allow them to stay on, it should be on a paid rental basis. I'd hope you're also making sure he understands that if they're responsible for any property damage, the costs for replacement/repair will be deducted. Having a kitty would ensure you'd be covered.

[Annabellethecat66]

@Shanus I was thinking about my post and I want to apologize for posting MY issues to your post.  I hope your experience is better than mine.  I'm sure it will be as you seem to be aware of the pitfalls.

I just always think us mom's and dad's get taken advantage of out of our love for those we love.  

I think often we parents long for the days when our children were young and remember when they would 'listen' to our words of 'wisdom'.  Unfortunately (actually, as life moves on) the 'children' become parents with their own ideas and 'often' don't mind reminding us.

I can honestly say I haven't had that problem but I can also honestly say I am aware that my girls have their own way of raising their children (and I always respect that, not easy, but I do respect that).  More than one time I've put that invisible zipper across my lip and turned away.  Ha!  I also know because I think it's right, doesn't mean it is right.  I've learned so many things from my daughters and am always honest enough to tell them "I learned something new".

I hope you are able to admit when you are wrong, use that zipper on the lip, turn away and look at the bright side of this.  You get to have the people you love most in the world with you and.....heh! heh!  You know it won't be forever.  

Fondly, Annabelle.