Community Chat

[KarenQVC]

This has happened to us several times with families whose relatives died. It seemed to start with educational funds for the kids (who will be able to get loans like everyone else). Now this last one was a corker: a 65 year old man with a million dollar house died and the relatives asked for cash for the expenses--linked right to the funeral home site. They said the death was unexpected and he had no life insurance. Oh, he had a big boat, a vacation home and kids and a wife who have good jobs. Now, I am happy to give to a church or another nonprofit "in the memory of" but not in these cases. What is your opinion and do you think it is a growing trend?

[game-on]

Karen.... I don't know about it being a trend, however.... I would do what I felt was right.... give money to a charity : ie: if a person died of cancer give it to the American Cancer Society etc.... especially considering the financial circumstances...

[JamicaJammer]

I'd never even heard of donations toward the family, only toward a charity that generally was the cause of death (American Cancer Soc. if they died of cancer, etc.), until my husband died. The first person to come to the funeral home was a former boss of mine, and he asked where I'd set up the kids' education funds. HUH? The boys were 9 months old and one just starting 1st grade. My oldest son was already 22. Since I hadn't, he just handed me a check for $100.

Since then, I do see most folks either ask for money for the kids' education fund, or if the deceased had zero life insurance, to the funeral home to help defray burial costs.

[chrystaltree]

I don't think it's a trend, I haven't encountered such behavior. Although, there have been occasions in which our church quietly and confidentially asks parishioners to help a family with burial expenses. Donations are made through the church, not to the family and not to the funeral home. Having a lot of "stuff" doesn't mean that people have a lot of money. An awful lot of people with good incomes still live pay check to pay check and and carry a huge amount of credit card debt. They everything except cash.

[hckynut]

I don't give money to anyone or ""fund"" unless I have known them personally for many years. I've helped some in the hockey world that had parents or children die. These things were to start a ""Scholarship Fund"" in the name of their deceased that would go to either a Youth or Adult Hockey Organization. I do this because I know them well and have hundreds of contacts in both of those hockey organizations.

A trend? It is not in my world.

[JeanLouiseFinch]

I don't see an education fund for a surviving child and funeral expenses for a wealthy person as being equal. The latter seems questionable, but if a parent dies and leaves kids behind I see no problem in contributing to an education fund. Friends and family want to do something anyway and helping defray future college expenses is a commendable way to do it. Sure student loans are available, but if there's a way to avoid them, why not? I also don't think it's wrong per se to give money to the family. There are often expenses surrounding the deceased's last days and other related cost surrounding the funeral that they might need help with. IMO, if I'm giving a gift, once it's in the envelope or in the recipient's hand, it's up to them to spend it, use it as they see fit. If there are strings attached, it's not a gift.

Just because someone makes a recommendation or request of where donations would be appreciated, it's not mandatory either. If the giver is more comfortable with a charitable memorial gift to a charity, hospice, etc., that's fine too.

[Q-Anu]

I have never heard of this being directly connected with a funeral home, and it sounds very tacky and suspicious to me. Have often voluntarily and discreetly included a donation in sympathy cards, after funerals, to survivors we knew or suspected to be in need. When death happens suddenly, it can really take a toll on a financially strapped family. But to solicit for funds at the funeral? For millionaires or college funds....... No.

[KarenQVC]

All, Thank you for your input. So the blatant fundraising is not a trend, thank goodness. I have decided to do what I do for weddings--I just ignore the registry and do what I think best. Thanks again.

[151949]

Now a days so often there is a request for no flowers and a suggestion of a charity instead. When there is no suggested charity I will write a check to the next of kin and they can do as they please with the money.

Something I always find disturbing is when a person donates money to someone - for instance in the case of a sudden death in the family - then thinks they now have the right to dictate to the person how the money should be used. When my Mom & dad were in a car accident that killed my Mom and critically injured and paralysed my Dad the people I work with gave me a check for $5000 they had collected which I really appreciated. I deposited it in my Dad's account as I felt it was his money and he was too ill to decide what he wanted me to do with it. So i just left it in the bank. I wrote a letter and sent it to my manager thanking everyone for the gift and even sent a tape of my Dad trying hard to sign his thanks as well , as I interrupted the signs.It was very hard for him to do as the injury had left his hands spastic and he wasn't really in control of them but he could not talk with the trach so he tried to sign instead. Anyway, a couple months later when I returned to work some of the people I worked with were like buzzing bees all over me to see what I had done with the money. I told them nothing as yet because my Dad was just too sick and it was his decision to make, so it was safe in the bank. I was amazed that they immediately started telling me what they felt I should do with the money. Geeze - when I give a gift or donation to someone I do not consider it my place to dictate to them how it is to be used. In the end i used it to pay some of my dad's extensive medical expenses but my manager advised me to keep it to myself because even though most of the staff would have approved of me doing that - there are always the troublemakers and it is best to keep people like that in the dark.When my dad died a few months later I asked my manager NOT to collect anything - if anyone wanted they could donate to the hospital's free bed fund.

I wanted to add that i worked in a place with a lot of critical care staff - about 200 altogether so the individual donations were about $25 each - which is a lot , i admit, but was not an unreasonable amount either. It's not like the donations were hundreds of dollars. Our medical directors gave me a much more substantial donation - and there are only 6 of them.

[DeLaney]

No, never heard of this. Donations through church or even the workplace, and sure, voluntarily among family members and friends/neighbors, if there are no funds for a funeral and burial. Those I am accustomed to and fully support.