Community Chat

[chrystaltree]

You ask a question and then say you don't want any advice.... Why did you bother posting? My advice is, adjust, it's not such a big deal. You seem to think you are the only person with good friends who either are not friends with each other or detest each other. It's common. It's simple, refrain from talking about the other two with your difficult friend. She doesn't want to know what you do when you are with them, she doesn't want to hear about their lives. You talk only about things, events, places that your difficult friend enjoys and can relate to. You can talk about a movie that you saw without going into who you saw it with. I assume she doesn't expect you to drop the other two, so you have nothing to confront her with. When you are with her, be with her. And vice versa, don't bring your friendship with the difficult one into your friendship with the other two. I have two separate groups of friends; my work friends and my two long time friends. They have nothing in common and don't play well together. I love them all, I spend time with them all. I've learned my friends don't all have to be friends with each other.

[RedTop]

The friend you are closest to, is exactly the kind of friend I don't want. I never pick friends who cling to me, and don't have other friends to do things with----who have different interests than mine. All of my friends must be independent. I am a good listener, and I am very supportive to my friends, but I cannot stand clingy friends who need to be my exclusive friend.

[BigOrangeKitty]

You say she is critical of everyone and doesn't seem to have any other friends than you .... obviously she is so jealous of you having other friends she can't stand it! She wants you to be friends with her and nobody else. I disagree about not talking about others to her - that would certainly be walking on egg shells around her. I'd talk about anything I wanted to, your other friends included. If she makes a snarky or critical remark about them, I'd smile and ask "why do you say that?" ...... it must be a terrible feeling to be around someone and have to watch everything you say so not to upset them. Be yourself. Say what you want. If she doesn't like it and goes away what will you miss?

[goodstuff]

I'm wondering why you consider this apparently difficult, controlling person your "closest friend" or why you want to keep her in that capacity. This sounds like the kind of jealous, exclusive-best-friend behavior I remember my daughters dealing with in grammar school! To have adult women behaving this way is beyond silly.

I have friends, but I don't have or want friends who try to limit my interaction with others or who get jealous if I do things with other people. Grownups should be free to enjoy the company of many people in many groups. You might be surprised at what would happen if you developed a spine and let your friend know you'd like to keep her as a friend, but plan to enjoy the company of other people sometimes, too.......and that you won't accept further controlling behavior in this regard. And then do it, and let her deal with it with no apologies and no "hiding" on your part. If she can't respect you as a free person with many friends, it's time for you to move on.

[colliemom4]

The only thing I can suggest is not to discuss the other friends with her. It's true that all your friends don't have to like each other. My husband has several friends that can't stand each other lol. You sound like a good friend but don't let her rob you of the joy of having other friends. Good luck.

[ROMARY]

Ivey: Yes, sometimes if you even nod your head while listening to these type of persons, they will take it as an agreement with their opinions/gossip. And then, they could turn around and spread their views, talking as though they were originally YOURS. I don't like even sitting next to that type of personality.

[issiestorm]

I totally agree with hockynut and romary. I couldn't have said it any better.

[occasionalrain]

You say she is critical but is it that you are too accepting? If you enjoyed a tv show that your friend disliked, would you go on about it? If you did, I would think you were a bore. Why do you want to gossip about people your friend dislikes? Makes no sense to me and sounds passive aggressive on your part.

You say you have fun doing things with her so stop trying to bring your friends into the conversation and just enjoy her company.

[AnikaBrodie]

Since you limit the "advice" we can give you, perhaps the best thing to do is avoid any discussion/comments about your other friends when talking with her. Is there a chance that she is jealous of these other friendships and somewhat clingy? I also think John hit the nail on the head. There is the issue of mutual respect and judgment on who you choose as friends. Perhaps it is time to bite the bullet and have a heart to heart talk!

[jeanlake]

Hello TX. This is a tough subject. I understand why you're perplexed. We get sentimental about long friendships we share histories with. As you read from John's post -- most men wouldn't even consider someone so high maintenance who uses emotional blackmail to be among their friends list. I learned a few decades ago that sometimes it's best to un-complicate my life by prioritizing high-maintenance friends. It doesn't mean they aren't in your life. It does mean you control the amount of time and energy you give them. You do that because you value yourself. Your dear friend with the closed heart and mind is controlling you. How does it feel?