Re: Friend dilema??

TX-starlight · ‎03-10-2010

On 8/13/2014 ury said:
Hello TX. This is a tough subject. I understand why you're perplexed. We get sentimental about long friendships we share histories with. As you read from John's post -- most men wouldn't even consider someone so high maintenance who uses emotional blackmail to be among their friends list. I learned a few decades ago that sometimes it's best to un-complicate my life by prioritizing high-maintenance friends. It doesn't mean they aren't in your life. It does mean you control the amount of time and energy you give them. You do that because you value yourself. Your dear friend with the closed heart and mind is controlling you. How does it feel?

ury: you're exactly right! We all 4 share histories. We all went to school together. The closest friend used to work with 1 of the others, for years! It is very common to discuss things concerning the other, such as elderly parents. I do try to aviod bringing the other 2 into the conversation as much as possible, because I know it makes ME uncomfortable.

occasional rain: I never said we gossip & we DON"T. As I just stated, it is normal conversation concerning all of us. Ms X (closest) just always has something negative/critical to say, & that doesn't mean gossip.

I guess people who have not grown old with their life long friends living within 5 miles of each other, don't understand all this, & I agree, it is hard to explain all the details,lol. Tks to all for responding.

focksie · ‎03-04-2012

On 8/11/2014 TX-starlight said:
hckynut...you just got my attention. It IS almost like she doesn't respect my judgment of friends. She is very critical of everyone. She seems to not to really have any friends other than me. I am friends with ALOT of people, I've always been very social & I thought she was, but now seeing a different side of her lately. She even will criticize me being friends with people & makes me feel about this ? tall,lol. We always have fun, but bringing others into the conversation, just ruins everything. Yes, we CAN talk about other things...but for instance 1 of the friends parents have been ill. Even when I mention that she gets so weird. I don't think she is so narrow minded that she wants only 1 friend, I just don't get it with her?? I have several different circles of friends, much like poster #1 ivey, but she doesn't know anyone except our "school friends circle".

ivey, I am also anxious to hear what others have to say. Glad I am not the only person who has this issue.

The sentences I bolded leave me with little doubt that she is jealous of your other friendships. She wants you all to herself. She doesn't want to share you with anyone else and feels threatened when you mention your other friends. I felt this way about my best friend when I was in grammar school so I know the feeling all too well.

jeanlake · ‎03-10-2010

TX - You aren't the only loyal friend to walk through this awkward relationship. We want to be loyal friends but we're torn. You seem like a person who wants to think the best of people and give them chances.

Every other year I go on a girlfriend trip. It's fun. Two core friends invite two other friends and it's a fun way to meet new people. Two years ago a friend of mine asked if she could go with me on my trip. I've known her longer than I've known a couple of my kids! Our husbands were best friends until her husband passed unexpectedly. I suspected she had narcissistic ways about her, but our families were close and our kids grew up together. She was a disaster on the girlfriend trip. One friend left a day early and another asked me to never invite my guest again. While on the trip, I tried to talk to friend about her self-centered behavior, but she cried, pouted and got angry. I saw her through others' eyes and had to admit to myself this is who my friend had evolved into. Selfish, negative person. Back home, I shared with her that it wasn't healthy for me to be around her negative energy and I hoped she would think about what I said and try to make positive changes in her life. We run into one another in our city, say hello, and move along. It's obvious she doesn't want to change. My husband is thrilled she is no longer a big part of my life. I didn't realize how tense I had been when I was around her.

The quality of your life is much more important than fixating on the quality of your grown friend's life. They have options to change. If they don't want to change, don't punish yourself. Good luck

"I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees." Henry David Thoreau

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

Since you value all your friendships, it seems that all you can do is avoid any and all discussion of your other friends with the friend who is giving you a hard time about them. Years ago I had two close friends who were not frieds with each other. One moved away and she became upset with me when I even mentioned the other friend, so I just stopped talking about her. Obviously it was easier for me to do that because of geogrphical distance, but I learned that schoolyard jealousies and anger can exist at advanced ages. It's unfortunate that your friend is not generous when it comes to your friendship choices. As they say to kindergarteners, we should learn to share, but some never learn that lesson.

TX-starlight · ‎03-10-2010

On 8/13/2014 ury said:
TX - You aren't the only loyal friend to walk through this awkward relationship. We want to be loyal friends but we're torn. You seem like a person who wants to think the best of people and give them chances.

Every other year I go on a girlfriend trip. It's fun. Two core friends invite two other friends and it's a fun way to meet new people. Two years ago a friend of mine asked if she could go with me on my trip. I've known her longer than I've known a couple of my kids! Our husbands were best friends until her husband passed unexpectedly. I suspected she had narcissistic ways about her, but our families were close and our kids grew up together. She was a disaster on the girlfriend trip. One friend left a day early and another asked me to never invite my guest again. While on the trip, I tried to talk to friend about her self-centered behavior, but she cried, pouted and got angry. I saw her through others' eyes and had to admit to myself this is who my friend had evolved into. Selfish, negative person. Back home, I shared with her that it wasn't healthy for me to be around her negative energy and I hoped she would think about what I said and try to make positive changes in her life. We run into one another in our city, say hello, and move along. It's obvious she doesn't want to change. My husband is thrilled she is no longer a big part of my life. I didn't realize how tense I had been when I was around her.

The quality of your life is much more important than fixating on the quality of your grown friend's life. They have options to change. If they don't want to change, don't punish yourself. Good luck

Well said ${#emotions_dlg.thumbup}$ & I can relate exactly,lol.. She has gotten to the point lately of what I feel is "belittling" me(is that the right spelling ${#emotions_dlg.blushing}$ ). That is why I am spending less & less time with her. We speak on the phone, which is better, I can cut that short. I just can't take the stress of being with her lately.

depglass · ‎03-10-2010

I haven't read the thread, but my answer is to not bring up those others. At all. I have a good friend who is diametrically opposed to my political views, and me hers. We just quit talking about that subject. Problem solved.