Community Chat

[YorkieonmyPillow]

That is certainly a beautiful picture.

[jubilant]

On 11/20/2014 SoftRaindrops said:

On 11/19/2014 Complicated said:

I don't like the guilt inducing feeling that sometimes comes across when people tell others they need to forgive.

Like there is something wrong with the person that can't or won't forgive.

Too personal to make blanket statements, for me.

I agree. Well said.

I am not talking about any one here in particular, but some people who think you should forgive over and over again no matter how many times ....are the very people that are the ones that need forgiving. They count on that and they just keep ticking

[June Lands]

It is an individual thing to feel you either need to have forgiveness or not. Not everyone needs to forgive to get on with life. If it makes you feel more free... than go for it.

[dooBdoo]

These comments are all so thought-provoking. I never thought of some of the points made here. For certain, forgiveness is a complex process. It probably is different depending upon the situation, so there can't be one simple, glib answer. I do think it's a gift we give ourselves, a healing process to try and help mitigate the pain. Also, I understand that removing the offender from our life and remembering the offense in order to learn from it can be a healthy part of the process. It hadn't occurred to me that sometimes we might sound as if we're shaming or judging others because it seems they can't or won't forgive, and I apologize if I've ever done so. I think sometimes we're too hard on ourselves, and forgiving ourselves might be as difficult as forgiving others.

[151949]

On 11/20/2014 colliegirls said:

On 11/20/2014 jubilant said:

On 11/20/2014 colliegirls said:

I am not sure that "forgiveness" is always the accurate description, often it is learning to live with it and moving on from it.

I understand what you mean, I think. I am not talking about everyday flaws that we all have and accommodating each other along the way. Yes, there are many things we need to overlook and just "get over it". If you can learn to live with someone who has many faults and can handle it and rise above it and maintain your sanity, great! If you cannot understand why every time you are around or with a certain person ....things go downhill....then you need to address it. We really do "teach" people how to treat us by what we do allow and what we don't allow whether we realize it or not.

I was referring to something major or tragic in one's life. Not always about forgiveness (I never say "get over it" if its major ), its more about removing yourself from the person or situation, perhaps getting counseling, and doing whatever it takes to survive or lighten your load. Some people are evil and negative and we cannot subject ourselves to them, no matter who they are.

In the case of a murderer, not many can forgive the perpetrator, but the survivors have to work around the pain to live. Some pain is really a life long struggle. There is no easy answer.

My husband was murdered - what could happen that was more tragic than that???? Some people choose to wallow in their painful memories - yes they do - as someone else said , they hold onto it like it is gold. It then destroys their lives.

[JuJu Squeezie]

On 11/20/2014 happy housewife said:

On 11/20/2014 colliegirls said:

On 11/20/2014 jubilant said:

On 11/20/2014 colliegirls said:

I am not sure that "forgiveness" is always the accurate description, often it is learning to live with it and moving on from it.

I understand what you mean, I think. I am not talking about everyday flaws that we all have and accommodating each other along the way. Yes, there are many things we need to overlook and just "get over it". If you can learn to live with someone who has many faults and can handle it and rise above it and maintain your sanity, great! If you cannot understand why every time you are around or with a certain person ....things go downhill....then you need to address it. We really do "teach" people how to treat us by what we do allow and what we don't allow whether we realize it or not.

I was referring to something major or tragic in one's life. Not always about forgiveness (I never say "get over it" if its major ), its more about removing yourself from the person or situation, perhaps getting counseling, and doing whatever it takes to survive or lighten your load. Some people are evil and negative and we cannot subject ourselves to them, no matter who they are.

In the case of a murderer, not many can forgive the perpetrator, but the survivors have to work around the pain to live. Some pain is really a life long struggle. There is no easy answer.

My husband was murdered - what could happen that was more tragic than that???? Some people choose to wallow in their painful memories - yes they do - as someone else said , they hold onto it like it is gold. It then destroys their lives.

Who are you to judge? You better hope people don't judge you as harshly as you judge others. What's your gain to constantly judge and correct other people's life? If they want to hold on to grief, let them and mind your own business. I can't believe you were a nurse, your compassion tank is way low.

[reese2]

To sum up the OP's viewpoint, and please correct me if I'm mistaken, it's wrong to hold a grudge but not to judge?

[Marienkaefer2]

On 11/19/2014 happy housewife said:

At my sewing club this morning we were discussing how hard it is for some families to get along over the holidays and related issues. One of the ladies said the wisest thing I have ever heard. She said if people could only realize the value of forgiving each other they would be so much happier, and all that family drama would just go away. I said I agree - it's not that every family doesn't have issues - every family does. But some families wallow in it and other ones forgive and forget - and that is the only difference between the happy families and the dysfunctional ones. People need to recognize that they can't change anyone but themselves, so all you can do is just tell yourself to forgive and then release it. Forgiveness is a powerful tool. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to let them continue to do anything to you , it does not mean you don't protect yourself in the future from them, it just means you do not allow past acts to continue to eat at you, because that just creates a big place of pain in you.

Wow, so wise and so true. Thank you HH for starting this post. Forgiveness is something that I believe most, if mot all of us, struggle with. Not to give too much detail, but there is one person in my family who was responsible for a lot of family pain That affected me directly when I was a child. I resented this person (who is still on the periphery of my life) for most of my life. It's only been the last few years that I've been able to let that go, and I can honestly say I have forgiven. That doesn't mean that I have a relationship with this person. In fact, I stay away because this person has issues and is toxic. But I have no resentment or ill will. It's not easy, but it was possible for me to get there. The hate was gnawing at me before, and interfering with other relationships in my life.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

Who is the OP judging?

She stated that it is better to forgive than to live in bitterness and anger. She didn't call any particular person out.

[Marienkaefer2]

I don't think it's right to criticize others' ability to forgive or not. It's a process, and some may never get there, and that's ok too. Each person's life is their own personal journey. I just believe the concept of forgiveness is an important one to contemplate. Saying that someone is "wallowing" in their grief or pain is a confrontational thing to say, and doesn't help the other person. Each of us is.different. My experience may have sounded trivial to someone else, but for me it was hard. Let's not taint the concept of forgiveness by scolding.