Community Chat

[libbyannE]

We chose not to have kids, and I would make the same decision again. We have a great marriage, and my mother and I are very close. I know I would have adored children, and I know the way my elderly mother turns to me for help and friendship. I won't have that if I live long enough, which is sad, but the reasons we chose for not having children were solid. I had a serious illness which  wrecked havoc on my life then and which was not diagnosed until my mid-30s.  My husband was great about it, and I did manage to develop a successful career,  but I knew it was best not to bring a child into that chaos. And my husband had just lost his father to a long, debilitating illness when we married-- one that the doctors thought might be hereditary. We weren't sure then if that disease might hit my husband in his 40s and/or if we might pass it on to a child. All in all, we decided that we should not have children for the child's sake, as much as ours. Believing in zero population growth, we figured that if we were in doubt, we should say no and leave space on the planet for people who really want to children to have them. I love kids but I would have to make the same choice again. 

[deepwaterdotter]

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@noodleann wrote:

Re the OP, I don't think it's reasonable to expect people to come out and say heck no, I wouldn't have had them. I recall an old Ann Landers column asking this very question, and 70% of her responses were negative. Even if things have improved, it's probably no better than 50%. I think that's a more realistic estimate of people's true feelings--not that anyone who's responded is lying, but most people are not going to weigh in and hazard the unpleasant feedback they're likely to get if they say no. 

A more interesting question, with less predictable answers, would be if you elected to not have kids (childfree by choice, not circumstance), would you do things differently if you could live that part of your life over again. 

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Removed so as not to misdirect the OP's intention. 

[suzyQ3]

This may sound very selfish, but our daughter, in a sense, saved my life. Without her, I would have been a hermit. That's not possible when you have a child who by nature brings you into contact with the world.

I was not a "baby" person, but today, she and I share a bond that is indescribable. I suffer from self-recrimination about everything to do with her upbringing, but her success as an adult, as a mother, and as a daughter to me now has me rethinking the past. I hold on to that for dear life.

[jaxs mom]

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@ANewHue wrote:

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@JaneMarple wrote:

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@ANewHue wrote:

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@momtochloe wrote:

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@ANewHue wrote:

We have one child that we had later in life.  She was our blessing that we thought would never be.   Now she is our biggest headache.  The answer to your question is NO.  All our money was spent on her education. She is ungrateful.   We missed a lot of things in life because we were spending our time and cash raising her properly and giving her opportunities that we didn't have. At this point we want her out so we can enjoy traveling and getting back to having some fun but she's not taking the hint. 

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Yikes, ouch . . . . unless she is on drugs or has been arrested this is kind of harsh.  With all due respect do you not own some of this?

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No it's not harsh I live it everyday.  There is no drug use involved that I'm aware of she is a part of the entitled generation, are you aware of them?  Oh she is a sweetheart on the outside just a terror to her family.  Own what? that we afforded her every opportunity? She doesn't have any debt like others.  

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@ANewHue you're referring to things and money, what about love and nurturing? Did you and your husband provide that?

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@JaneMarple wrote:

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@ANewHue wrote:

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@momtochloe wrote:

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@ANewHue wrote:

We have one child that we had later in life.  She was our blessing that we thought would never be.   Now she is our biggest headache.  The answer to your question is NO.  All our money was spent on her education. She is ungrateful.   We missed a lot of things in life because we were spending our time and cash raising her properly and giving her opportunities that we didn't have. At this point we want her out so we can enjoy traveling and getting back to having some fun but she's not taking the hint. 

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Yikes, ouch . . . . unless she is on drugs or has been arrested this is kind of harsh.  With all due respect do you not own some of this?

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No it's not harsh I live it everyday.  There is no drug use involved that I'm aware of she is a part of the entitled generation, are you aware of them?  Oh she is a sweetheart on the outside just a terror to her family.  Own what? that we afforded her every opportunity? She doesn't have any debt like others.  

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@ANewHue you're referring to things and money, what about love and nurturing? Did you and your husband provide that?

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@JaneMarple wrote:

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@ANewHue wrote:

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@momtochloe wrote:

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@ANewHue wrote:

We have one child that we had later in life.  She was our blessing that we thought would never be.   Now she is our biggest headache.  The answer to your question is NO.  All our money was spent on her education. She is ungrateful.   We missed a lot of things in life because we were spending our time and cash raising her properly and giving her opportunities that we didn't have. At this point we want her out so we can enjoy traveling and getting back to having some fun but she's not taking the hint. 

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Yikes, ouch . . . . unless she is on drugs or has been arrested this is kind of harsh.  With all due respect do you not own some of this?

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No it's not harsh I live it everyday.  There is no drug use involved that I'm aware of she is a part of the entitled generation, are you aware of them?  Oh she is a sweetheart on the outside just a terror to her family.  Own what? that we afforded her every opportunity? She doesn't have any debt like others.  

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@ANewHue you're referring to things and money, what about love and nurturing? Did you and your husband provide that?

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@JaneMarple of course.  This kid has a mind of her own as many others do.  Just because you teach and instill values and morals that doesn't mean they're going to follow the path as they age.  I know others that are going through the same thing. 

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Of course they do, children are on this earth to live their own lives not be clones of their parents. 

[Bri36]

These are my girls' initials.  I just had it done for Mother's Day.   They are my world.   

[Noel7]

@libbyannE

I support your decision, many of our friends chose not to have children.  I also support those who believe in population control.

That said, I would also point out that adoption does not increase the population. 

[sunshine45]

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@software wrote:

This can be a good thread but if posters start getting judgmental, it's going to be locked.

Anyway, I was a late bloomer, had a boy when I was 28 and a girl at 39.   I am an only child and for a long time I felt I was too self-centered to have a child.   I thought I would resent having to take care of another person.  I liked being the center of the universe.

Thank goodness I was wrong!    It hasn't all been a bed of roses and if I could go back and do it all over again, I'd be pregnant "early & often"!

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interesting @software.

i had my first child at 29 and my last at 35,  but never considered myself a "late bloomer"......just considered myself "ready" at that time.  i was never in a rush. if i had to do it again i dont think i would want to get pregnant any earlier than i did.

while i would love to become a grandmother, i am not pushing my children to have children and i AM telling them to wait until they are 30+ if they can. not sure if they are going to listen to mom though, but i think it is better to wait a while, establish your career, make your own decisions, and have some space.

[arrabella]

Would choose to be "child free"

[happycat]

Yes, I would. I was 17 when I had my son, and it was very hard. My daughter came 5 years later. When my children were small was the best time of my life. My daughter tells me often that I was a wonderful mother. Of course, she is working in an occupation where she sees alot of heartache and people who are in hard places.

When my son was 16, I was dx'd with a brain tumor. I had 2 brain surgeries, couldn't drive for quite a while, my husband couldn't always go with me to dr apts, or just the store, and that baby boy I had at 17 drove me to alot of places. I have often thought of how that worked out. I don't know what I'd have done without him.

I thank God for them and I don't regret having them at all, or the money my husband and I have spent on them. I would do it again in a minute. All of it.

[CatLoverDogsToo]

@ANewHue  I am going to chime in, and will NOT be judging you (or anyone for that matter).  You did the best you were able to do and did exactly what you knew how to do. That is all any of us can do. When we have children, they do not come with an "instruction manual".  Every child is different as is their temperament, what works for one, doesn't for another. 

I didn't have an easy time of it with my son, that is why I started coloring my hair early (lots of premature gray). We have a good relationship now, as I indicated in an earlier post.

 I hope some day your daughter turns into the blessing you hoped she would be. You put her through college and she has no debt. You didn't have to do that, but you did.  If she is employed I would probably give her notice that it is time to get an apartment and embark on her independent life. If she isn't employed, I'd give her a book on resumes and job interview techniques and a deadline on that one too.

She may surprise you someday, in a good way.

Don't let the "armchair psychologists"  in here get you down.

(And now I will step down off of my soapbox.)