Feel sad and depressed over sick mother - Page 4

Yardlie · ‎03-10-2010

@Beautiful life ... I am so sorry that you are going through this. Believe it or not, I know what you are going through. I am the caregiver for my 92 y.o. mother. She has dementia also. About 1 l/2 years ago, she fell and fractured her leg in three places. She had to go into the nursing home for a couple months, developed a blood clot, had to have lots of therapy, etc.

My mother and I have always had a contentious relationship, but watching her health decline has brought us closer together. I felt bad that we argued so much in the past. She was always a very powerful person, whereas I was more passive. Now, she has become a very mild-natured person and asks me for things...rather than demand them like she used to.

Seeing a parent in declining health is not easy. There are medications that can help stabilize your mother's mood...and there are medications that can stimulate her appetite also. Before she gets out of the nursing home, you will meet with various health professionals at the nursing home who will discuss their treatment plan for your mother with you. At the same time, you can discuss your concerns. I made a list of things that I wanted to discuss with them, so that I would not forget anything. You will not be left feeling abandoned. Your mother will probably receive some home health care also after she is released. Those health professionals will talk to both you and your mom. They will see that her needs (and your needs) are addressed.

What happened in the past, is in the past...just enjoy the time that you have with your mom now...cook her favorite foods, read to her if she cannot read, watch tv with her, discuss old times, and show her how much you love her. Older people are stronger than you may think. We never thought my mother would be walking again after her fall, but she is still going like the Energizer Bunny.

Be sure to take care of yourself too. You need to get out and relax with friends now and then. Best of luck to you and your mom. (((Hugs)))

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli

KathyPet · ‎03-09-2010

@SeaMaiden wrote:
@Beautiful life You should look into a care facillity for your mom that focuses on Dementia patients. My husband's 82 year old Mother is in one of these facilties and gets the best of care. She is better off than being in a room at home with us trying to take care of her. You should think about this and look around to find the nicest place.

I get the impression from prior posts that the funds are not there to pay for a expense like that. SHe could always look into Medicaid. THe OP has a family of her own to look after. If her mother in fact has dementia she will not really grasp where she is being cared for and the stress of the OP trying to care for her in her own home with her own family is not feasible IMHO. THe OP has not even mentioned where they are going to put her mother once she moves in. OBviously stairs cannot be involved. I believe she also has a job so who,is going to care for her mother while she is working?

NicksmomESQ · ‎08-19-2014

@Beautiful life I feel your pain.My mom died years ago & I miss her every day! She suffered quite a bit.I suffered watching her struggle.I was her rock but inside I was a complete mess. I understand you feel guilty,I did too.The truth is you are a wonderful daughter! If your mom was able to say it she would!

Bless you for loving & caring for her.Remember you are her legacy.You have to be strong for both your sakes. She wants you to be able to carry on.You will have a heavy heart but you will be strong.Right now all you can do is continue to love her & make her comfortable.When her time comes let her go.

I had to let my mom go.She was suffering but holding on.She felt I wasn't ready for her to leave.I finally told her that it was ok for her to go to heaven to be with dad.I told her that I would be ok.I kissed mom goodbye,told her that I loved her & went home.I knew she wouldn't go to heaven if I stayed. A couple of hours later she passed.Her nurse told me that she whispered my name,smiled & closed her eyes!

Oznell · ‎11-08-2014

Firestripes, I so feel for you like everyone else. Do not succumb to guilt. Your love and caring for your mother come through loud and clear.

Praying that you and she will have some peace.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

I'm confused. With all of those serious issues and chronic pain, why would they dicharge home? What resources will you have in your home, she's going to need a lot of specialized care. More than you can provide on your own.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@Auntiemay wrote:
I am an RN. You should NOT have to ask for referrals for your Mom when she's discharged. It is supposed to be part of the discharge plan. You can't take her home until all those arrangements are made by the discharge planner. She will need all services provided by Medicare, including Physical therapy and occupational therapy.

Yes, I work in healthcare and I have had similar family issues and the story, as told, didn't ring true.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@KathyPet wrote:
@SeaMaiden wrote:
@Beautiful life You should look into a care facillity for your mom that focuses on Dementia patients. My husband's 82 year old Mother is in one of these facilties and gets the best of care. She is better off than being in a room at home with us trying to take care of her. You should think about this and look around to find the nicest place.

I get the impression from prior posts that the funds are not there to pay for a expense like that. SHe could always look into Medicaid. THe OP has a family of her own to look after. If her mother in fact has dementia she will not really grasp where she is being cared for and the stress of the OP trying to care for her in her own home with her own family is not feasible IMHO. THe OP has not even mentioned where they are going to put her mother once she moves in. OBviously stairs cannot be involved. I believe she also has a job so who,is going to care for her mother while she is working?

If her mother is in rehab or in a hospital, there is no way in this world that she would be dicharged to her daughter's home without a discharge plan and all of the home care plans in place. It just would not happen. I'm talking about everything from a hospital bed to a commode to physical therapy to visiting nurses to medical supplies needed to care for her. The mother must have Medicare and as sick as she is, she probably qualifies for Catastrophic Care under Medicaid. The hospital or rehab center would have addressed the insurance issues too. There are dicharge planners in every hospital and rehab center and there job is to handle situations like this.

violann · ‎03-10-2010

@JMaysie wrote:
I am an RN. You should NOT have to ask for referrals for your Mom when she's discharged. It is supposed to be part of the discharge plan. You can't take her home until all those arrangements are made by the discharge planner. She will need all services provided by Medicare, including Physical therapy and occupational therapy.

@Auntiemay- I Bless Your comments, and wish you'd been involved when MY mom unexpectedly became totally dependent on me!

@Beautiful life, I was truly devastated when, at almost 90, my wonderful, powerful, invincible, good humored mom suffered a broken hip, and went from being wholeheartedly independent to becoming total care.

My greatest guilt was knowing that even in her terrible confusion, all she wanted to do was "go home", and knowing that it was totally impossible for me to make her home appropriate for her.

We tried having her in our home, but after spending 3 months sleeping on the floor next to her bed on an air mattress, I realized that she would be both more comfortable and just as important, SAFER in a very good nearby residential care facility, and that was where she ultimately lived her last 5 1/2 years.

As you make the arrangements for her care, you will be in too many situations where ALL of your choices will be less than you prefer, so you will need to make the best of a bunch of bad choices.

You have stated that you will be taking her into your home, as I did with my mom, and I want to suggest to you that you consider how much care you will safelybe able to give her, as I also was forced to consider.

I was prepared keep my mom until she passed, but ultimately came to realize that she would need the services she could receive in the residence, which was about 5 miles from my home. It was expected that she would deteriorate there and would be gone much sooner than she ultimately did. She FLOURISHED in the care she received, and all of my guilt was wasted.

I went every evening for 5 1/2years, and other family went at noon. We came to love her caregivers as family. Ultimately through a course of amazing coincidences, her home was purchased by one of her dearest caregivers.

You are a loving and compassionate daughter. Do everything you can do now to make her comfortable and happy, and use your time to recall the love you shared in the past! Believe me, I will be thinking of you often, and remembering you in my prayers for caregivers. You will be doing hard work that you would never have chosen to do, but it will become for you its own reward.

Perkup · ‎03-09-2010

Maybe I can help. Like your Mom, I am 82 years old. I have four children of my own and have actually raised 8. Mothers don't hold grudges. They may say they do sometimes, but the truth is our love for our children doesn't really change as the years pass. There have been times when I have had differences with one or more of my children, but that doesn't change the way I love them. I am sure your Mother is no different. Your words about her tell me that there is a lot of love between you two. Her physical situation today may seem to make her a different person, but I know deep down, her love for you is far stronger than any petty or profound differences you may have had in this life. Just love her and take the best care of her that you can. And when the time comes for her to leave you, let her go without any regrets and remember her only with the happy memories and the love that will always overcome any unfortunate moments.