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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,475
Registered: ‎03-14-2015

Tomorrow my dad's nieces, nephew, and other family members will be getting together to throw my dad a birthday party.

 

I find myself overwhelmed with sadness, because I know that this may be the last time that they will see him alive.

 

I know that my dad is declining, I see it.

 

Denial is one luxury that I can't afford.

 

Today, two of my cousins took my dad and I on a drive around the old neighborhoods where they all use to live.

 

Some of the places he remembered, a lot he didn't.

 

I knew that it was my cousins having some quality time with their Uncle, who was a lot more than just an uncle to them.

 

He was their "father", as well as mine.

 

He helped raise his sister's children, when their own biological father wasn't in the picture.

 

 

I am in tears right now, as I type, because I know, I know deep down in my soul, that not only will they be saying "happy birthday" to him, but in their own way, "goodbye" too.

 

He is the patricarch of the family.

 

My dad is a kind, gentle, loving, wonderful man, and the thought of loosing him breaks my heart.

 

They broke the mold when they made my dad.

 

I cherrish every day that I have him with me.

 

I love him so much.

 

 

I'm sorry, I know that there are those who are sick and tired of hearing me constantly go on about my dad, and I do try not to talk about him too much, but I just needed to share. 

 

I'll be smiling at the party tomorrow, but inside, I'll be crying.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,035
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

It is sad to think about such a Quality Guy not being a part of your life for years to come. But thankfully you have lots of good memories.

 

You will miss him but be blessed that he was a big part of who you are today. Treasure the time you do have with him.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 69,388
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Plaid Pants2  I've always loved hearing about your dad because everything you say to describe him,  I could apply to my own dad who I lost in 2009.  He lived with me his last year and I do miss him so much.   They just don't make 'em like they used to.   Mine was always patient,  loving and kind,  a model of a man,  as I'm sure yours is.   Live for the present and enjoy every moment with him. 

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,792
Registered: ‎01-22-2013

@Plaid Pants2.  I will never get tired of living stories about your father.  It sounds like my story.  I lost my father to altzheimers in 2011.    Take every opportunity to make more beautiful memories with him.  Your memories will help you over the future rough days.

 

I would like to tell you about some of my father and my good times the last year as his memory faded.  We watched the old game shows.  He loved the original Match Game and Jeopardy.   When watching Jeopardy he often got answers faster than the contestants.  I took old family pictures and he recognized many places and people.   He was in an altzheimer home and a lady came once a week to play verbal games on old topics from the 50-60s with the residents.   He might not remember the present and recent past but his mind remembered my earliest years.   The "game lady" said that it is not unusual for people with memory loss.   Reliving early times with him gave me more information about myself.  (When I showed him a picture of me at 2 in my Easter dress he told me how old I was, where the house was and the history behind the old house.  The basics I knew but he filled in more.)

 

I just want to say enjoy every minute you have with your father.  Please don't give up if he gets to the point where he no longer recognizes you.   Family pictures may help him but they also might help you  when you explain the fun times in the photo.   In time you will learn to smile thru your tears.  The love of our parents stays with us always.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,702
Registered: ‎08-22-2013

I was not lucky to have wonderful parents and it was hard for me to lose them. I can only imagine how tough it is for someone who had great parents.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,829
Registered: ‎03-18-2010

Oh @Plaid Pants2, I can so feel your emotions with this post. It is very evident how much you love your dad and you really seem like a wonderful daughter who was blessed with a wonderful dad. I enjoy your posts about your father very much too. I am glad that he got to spend time with all of the family too, that is great! I feel very much the same about my mom and while she is in fairly good health right now, she is 76 and sometimes when I just think about a time she won't be here, I start crying. Your post made me tear up. 

 

I don't think in a case like this there is much advice to give. You seem to be doing everything right and taking advantage of every moment you spend with him. It won't make you any less devastated when the time comes but you will know you took advantage of every minute. YOU ARE A REALLY GOOD DAUGHTER @Plaid Pants2!

 

I will add one thing. When my dad died it was a complete and total shock. I was not quite 21 and he was in great health. There were so many questions I wish I could have gone back and asked him. I would have made a video recording asking him all about his family history, funny anecdotes, just anything I could think of. I have asked my mom about the things I didn't know about her and anything I could think of. I was so young, it never occurred to me to ask these questions and this bothered me so much because my brother and sister were adults when he died so he knew them as adults and they asked stuff they wouldn't have thought of when they were younger. I hate that my dad never got to know me as an adult. You may have very well asked him all the questions you needed to since you're an adult and have thought through all the things we don't think of when we are younger but I thought I would mention that. 

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,630
Registered: ‎08-19-2014

   I was lucky to have had wonderful parents!! They were caring & loving . It's been years since they passed & I still love & miss them dearly!! Their unconditional love & support lives in my heart & guides me everyday!!

   @Plaid Pants2 Enjoy the time you have left with your Dad.Hang on to every minute.When he's gone his love will always live in your heart & guide you!!!

    Think about how lucky we are to have had that kind of love in our lives!!!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 30,238
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

@Plaid Pants2 STOP IT RIGHT NOW!  You need to stop the pitty party and enjoy every single minute of every single day.  You are building memories, do you understand that?

 

It is important that you be alert (and if I were you I'd write down some of your happy feelings so one day you can look back and remember this happy time.

 

My brother has been battling bladder cancer for 3 years now.  He's been pumping Chemo into him for at least 2 years now.  He's been told his bladder will have to be removed.  

 

Is he in a pitty party?  No!  He's determined to make the most of his life and he expects all of us to do the same with him and when we aren't with him (he doesn't live near me).

 

This is what you need to do.  I am not a fan of Oprah Windfrey but one thing she said that I really took to heart and try to remind myself.

 

She said, "You know I've always had a hard time enjoying my success and the wonderful life I've worked so hard to achieve.  I just couldn't enjoy it.  WHY?  Because I always felt like, 'it's too good...when's the bad going to happen'.  I couldn't enjoy the good because I was so worried about the bad.  Well, I've finally learned to enjoy the good and stop worrying about the bad."

 

You need to enjoy every minute of this and everything that's happening.  Sometimes it will be bad (life is like that), but on those times look for to the good because it WILL COME AGAIN and remember the past good times.

 

Think about it this way.  If you aren't paying attention now, how will you be able to remember these good times when the bad times come?

 

Don't mean to be so preachy...typing this is also my way of reminding myself too (as I often have to do).  Fondly, Annabelle

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,019
Registered: ‎08-08-2010

@Plaid Pants2

 

Oh, never tired of hearing real raw emotions about life. I can understand some of what you are feeling, and I'll share a little story that might help.

 

Several years ago I went to a family gathering because a great uncle who has lived in Canada for decades (is a minister and went up there to run a university) was in the states, and everyone gathered to visit. We were at his brother's home, who was ailing and elderly (both men were near 90). When it was time for the Canada brother to leave, they shared a moment to say goodbye. They both 'knew' it was the last time they would ever see each other.

 

I was watching from a distance, giving them their space, but the beauty of their interaction was as strong as the sadness I was feeling. I was sad because I knew it wouldn't be long before I lost them, it was sad because after a lifetime of being close, they were loosing each other. But at the same time, there was this glorious strength and love I felt, to be part of their lives, their love. I looked around at all the offspring they created, and how we all still will have each other, and I was grateful. Grateful for their example, grateful for the time we had been given with them, grateful for their wisdom, wit and just the time I'd had over the years with them. They were actually my dad's uncles, but he was raised with them more like brothers.

 

I lost my dad when I was 18 (he was only 45) and they filled a void in my adult life, as I wasn't close to my grandfather, lost my dad, and needed that filled. One has indeed passed, the other (Canada uncle) is still with us but unable to travel. 

 

So I embrace your sadness, and I actually cry as I type this, but if you are able, look around you tomorrow, and soak in the pleasure and the pain as well. Realize how lucky you and everyone there is to have had this wonderful man for all these years, all the values he has imparted, and the wonderful people who you will have around you after he is gone. Understand they have sadness in their hearts (even if they don't show it) because they are loosing a 'dad' too as he ages and fails. You have so much in common with them, all the good and wonderful things. 

 

I felt really lucky to witness the brother's goodbye, and kind of have that same goodbye myself as we all gathered that last time. It is very bitter sweet, but there is sweetness there. I hope you can find it. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,829
Registered: ‎03-18-2010

@Mominohio wrote:

@Plaid Pants2

 

Oh, never tired of hearing real raw emotions about life. I can understand some of what you are feeling, and I'll share a little story that might help.

 

Several years ago I went to a family gathering because a great uncle who has lived in Canada for decades (is a minister and went up there to run a university) was in the states, and everyone gathered to visit. We were at his brother's home, who was ailing and elderly (both men were near 90). When it was time for the Canada brother to leave, they shared a moment to say goodbye. They both 'knew' it was the last time they would ever see each other.

 

I was watching from a distance, giving them their space, but the beauty of their interaction was as strong as the sadness I was feeling. I was sad because I knew it wouldn't be long before I lost them, it was sad because after a lifetime of being close, they were loosing each other. But at the same time, there was this glorious strength and love I felt, to be part of their lives, their love. I looked around at all the offspring they created, and how we all still will have each other, and I was grateful. Grateful for their example, grateful for the time we had been given with them, grateful for their wisdom, wit and just the time I'd had over the years with them. They were actually my dad's uncles, but he was raised with them more like brothers.

 

I lost my dad when I was 18 (he was only 45) and they filled a void in my adult life, as I wasn't close to my grandfather, lost my dad, and needed that filled. One has indeed passed, the other (Canada uncle) is still with us but unable to travel. 

 

So I embrace your sadness, and I actually cry as I type this, but if you are able, look around you tomorrow, and soak in the pleasure and the pain as well. Realize how lucky you and everyone there is to have had this wonderful man for all these years, all the values he has imparted, and the wonderful people who you will have around you after he is gone. Understand they have sadness in their hearts (even if they don't show it) because they are loosing a 'dad' too as he ages and fails. You have so much in common with them, all the good and wonderful things. 

 

I felt really lucky to witness the brother's goodbye, and kind of have that same goodbye myself as we all gathered that last time. It is very bitter sweet, but there is sweetness there. I hope you can find it. 


 

Oh man, you ladies are killing me tonight! lol! That is a great story @Mominohio about the brothers and saying goodbye to each other. You also make an excellent point about how lucky she is. Sadly, not everyone has a father as wonderful as hers and had the wonderful and close relationship she has shared with him over the years. I can understand why that makes it tougher for her but you gave excellent advice on living in the moment and enjoying that day to the fullest.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK