Ladies, found these on yahoo news and thought you’d enjoy a good laugh this Friday afternoon. These are actual tweets….
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
My husband just went on a late night Taco Bell run because we are not in college anymore, but we like to maintain the lifestyle.
I’m never more nervous than when I insist we’re out of something and my wife goes to look for it herself.
If you think you might enjoy getting yelled at from another room for chewing too loud, maybe give marriage a try.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
“Eye of the Tiger” plays as I get ready to tell my wife I don’t want to go to brunch.
My husband’s favorite thing about me is probably how I circle his fast food for possible leftovers like a hyena.
Walking into store:
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things
Him: rolls eyes, grabs cart
Marriage level: Expert
If you’ve never rage-folded a load of laundry then you either don’t have kids or don’t have a husband.
If you marriage can survive building an IKEA dresser together, it can survive anything.
“Calm down”, I say to my wife, five seconds before my brain has a chance to talk me out of it.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of our children daily.
Me: yells something
Wife: “I can’t hear you”
Me: whispers something under my breath
Wife: “I heard that!”
My wife asked to get up early tomorrow to pick something up from the grocery store.
Wife (the next morning): “You actually did that?”
A haiku for my husband:
Your whiskers are black
The porcelain sink is white
Are you *&^%(*& blind?
(clothes shopping)
Wife: What do you think about this outfit?
Me: Those are clothes
Wife gives death glare
Me: Those are….not clothes?
Understanding marriage is simply understanding that your wife’s feet will always be cold!
(At Home Depot)
Wife: Why don’t you just ask someone where to find it?
Me: I’d rather die
Conversations with my husband:
“Why is it so hard to stay fit as a parent” followed by “if the kids ever go to sleep can we order pizza?”
My husband has denim sweatpants.
I said for better or for worse, but I didn’t anticipate this.
Asked my husband to bring me a cookie. He brought me the whole box. We’re soul mates.
Being married with kids is just this:
Him: Let’s watch a movie
Wife: OK! (then falls asleep)
HAPPY FRIDAY!!
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