Community Chat

[Claire W]

My parents never told me I was adopted. I found out from a relative when I was an adult. Now I wonder what else they haven't told me...

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 3/2/2014 HisElk said:

On 3/1/2014 LoopyLoo said:

On 3/1/2014 Irshgrl31201 said:

I would start telling a child when they had the capability to understand. I have friends who adopted and they started by telling their daughter that she didn't come from mommys tummy but from her heart. I liked that.

Our son's background is identical to that of Lila Belle's brother. Shortly after he arrived, I came across this little poem--40 years later, I still have the clipping and am so touched by it.

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,

Yet still miraculously my own

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

Yes, they should be told IMO. I was adopted at 4 days old and the doctor actually delivered me to my parents which happened to be on my dad's birthday.

The part I bolded is what my mother told me since the day I can remember. During "story" time, this was what she talked about. She called it the "story of my life".

Although I wanted to know "where I came from", my mother was nervous about that and I promised her I would not try to locate my birth parents. My dad who, IMO, was supportive of whatever my decision was.

After my mother passed, I was able to locate my birth mother, who happened to live only 5 miles away. My bio dad was killed in the Korean war I found out. I did meet my birth mother and it wasn't a real good relationship. She wanted me to call her "mom" and I refused and she couldn't handle that. I told her about my children who were very small at the time and asked if she wanted to meet them, but she accused me of trying to find her to get money from her which wasn't true at all. After that, I decided to end the relationship. She couldn't handle that and she visited my dad's house and begged him to talk to me to have me call her "mom". He was polite, but stood his ground and told her to respect my wishes. She couldn't handle it and we haven't spoken since.

All I know is that after meeting her, I am so glad she put me up for adoption. I have met my half sisters since that time and my bio first cousin works at my eye doctor's office. So, once a year, we get to say hello to one another, but that's about it.

In closing, I think it's the best to let the child know that they were adopted. Sorry for the long post.

Oy. I'm glad for you. She sounds like she has a lot of issues.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 3/5/2014 Claire W said: My parents never told me I was adopted. I found out from a relative when I was an adult. Now I wonder what else they haven't told me...

I don't blame you.

It's hard to trust people who have obviously made a conscious choice to lie to you.

[Mominohio]

I would tell a child, and have them grow up knowing they are adopted, so it should never come as a surprise.

If they wished, at some point to search for biological parents, I be supportive, but cautionary. This is about way more than you (the child). There are parents and members of that family that may not want to deal with this or have you in their life, for a number of good reasons, and you are risking disturbing someone else's life, maybe seriously.

If the search finds parents/family that doesn't want a relationship, or seems to be not such a good idea after found, then I'd tell them to move on, be grateful that they gave you life and a chance better than they were able to offer at the time.

[Mominohio]

On 3/5/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/5/2014 Claire W said: My parents never told me I was adopted. I found out from a relative when I was an adult. Now I wonder what else they haven't told me...

I don't blame you.

It's hard to trust people who have obviously made a conscious choice to lie to you.

Pretty harsh words Mistri, for people who gave a child a home and a chance at life. What they made a conscious choice to do was take a child that needed a home. There are many reasons why, in times past adoption was a closed subject. There isn't the stigma today that was once attached to those who gave a child away, but in the past, it was quite an ordeal for some. Once again, you see parents as only villains responsible for all the evils that befall a child's life.

Claire W, I'm sorry you didn't get to hear what you needed from your parents, and it would lead you to question and wonder. I don't know your circumstances with your childhood and adoptive parents, but could they have possibly done what they thought was best for all involved, or just done the best they knew how to do?

I don't consider this a lie, in the strictest form, but I can understand the feelings you would have finding this out as an adult.

[lulu2]

There was a time many adoptions were cloaked in secrecy. Babies put up for adoptions were often those of unwed mothers.

Back in the 1950's my aunt and uncle adopted a foundling. (that's what they were called) It was years before I knew my cousin was adopted. My aunt wore maternity clothes. There was a stigma attached to women who did not give birth. (it was never the man's fault his wife did not get pregnant) Growing up, the only children I knew who were adopted, were children from overseas. Little did I know, I actually had relatives and friends who were adopted.

Thankfully times have changed.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 3/5/2014 mominohio said:

On 3/5/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/5/2014 Claire W said: My parents never told me I was adopted. I found out from a relative when I was an adult. Now I wonder what else they haven't told me...

I don't blame you.

It's hard to trust people who have obviously made a conscious choice to lie to you.

Pretty harsh words Mistri, for people who gave a child a home and a chance at life. What they made a conscious choice to do was take a child that needed a home. There are many reasons why, in times past adoption was a closed subject. There isn't the stigma today that was once attached to those who gave a child away, but in the past, it was quite an ordeal for some. Once again, you see parents as only villains responsible for all the evils that befall a child's life.

Claire W, I'm sorry you didn't get to hear what you needed from your parents, and it would lead you to question and wonder. I don't know your circumstances with your childhood and adoptive parents, but could they have possibly done what they thought was best for all involved, or just done the best they knew how to do?

I don't consider this a lie, in the strictest form, but I can understand the feelings you would have finding this out as an adult.

So, you're saying that you wouldn't feel betrayed by a lie like that? (And yes, it is a lie.)

[stilltamn8r]

I know I would be- I would be questioning everything they had told me- it is indeed a lie, and one that would have shaken me to my very foundation-

[PurpleBunny]

Hey! Do your own homework! lol!

[Claire W]

However it is defined, the result of this factual omission is a huge loss of trust. No one is perfect but if you can't trust your parents, trusting anyone is a challenge. My parents are good people for taking me in, and I owe them a lot, but I question any story I hear....