Community Chat

[BellaPaprika]

The OP says her mother has done this for a while but that her father used to keep tabs on Mom. My advice is don't make a big deal of it. As icky as it may seem, spoiled yogurt, moldy strawberries,etc. aren't going to kill her and probably won't even make her ill. Enjoy her company and try to kid her into tossing a few things when you're there. If you go behind her back or try bringing someone into the home to help her it will most likely alienate her from you.

ETA - Watch an episode of that new show "Extreme Cheapskates". Your mother's behavior will pale in comparison!

[mewsmomtoo]

Can you consult with some professionals on aging and the elderly? Maybe her town/county/state have some kind of senior services they offer. Or maybe you could pay for someone to help with the cleaning and throwing out of old food and tell your mom that the person is a volunteer?

You've probably already done this, but I guess I would get on the internet and search for help for the elderly. And you might want to look into getting into place some Powers of Attorney regarding her health and her money (elder law specialty?).

I wish the best of luck and hope you are able to get some help for your mom. I can certainly understand your concerns esp. about the cleaning supplies and the repaired mop.

[happygolfcartrider]

On 10/15/2014 Vivian said: There is nothing admirable about an elderly woman eating moldy food or using a broken mop held together with tape that can break and cause her to lose her balance. No good can come of using old appliances, like a defective toaster oven that can catch fire because it's held together by pieces of plastic. There is nothing to be thankful for in drinking out of chipped cups, broken dishes, or cheap glasses that break in one's hands because they are so flimsy. I have tried to rectify all of these things but I am met with rejection at every turn. When we convinced my mother to hire someone to come in for a couple of hours in the morning to help her dress (she has osteoarthritis) and cook light meals, she fired the woman as soon as we left for home. She finally agreed to have a cleaning woman a few times a month and that was a great victory but I have gotten no further with anything else.

I really feel your pain since I have been through it. It is an illness that sometimes happens to the elderly and there really is nothing you can do unless you move in with her or have her move in with you which would probably be a disaster. God be with you my friend.

[hckynut]

On 10/15/2014 Vivian said: My 92 year old mother is fortunate in that she has enough money to live very comfortably. My accountant husband analyzed her investments and she has more than enough even if she lives another 20 years. That's the good news. The bad news is Mom lives as if she were on her last dollar. We visited this past weekend and I realized that her lifelong frugality, the result of living through the Depression, has now become pathological cheapness. She eats spoiled and expired food. If something breaks, she refuses to fix it. When I intervene and buy her something new she puts it away and refuses to use it or she insists that I take it home. She goes to the dollar store and buys cheap cleaning supplies and never reads the directions, i.e., the product she bought had to be diluted and gloves were recommended when using it. She did neither. If there's a sale, she hoards. I counted 21 clothing detergents. Her garage is filled with paper products that could last a teenager a lifetime. She does not see that this is a problem, but when she reheated food for the fourth time and cooked up moldy strawberries, I begged her not to eat them. She says she has a cast iron stomach. I think she has developed an immunity. When my father was alive, he moderated my mother's behavior but with Dad gone Mom has become fixated on being as cheap as possible. I don't know what to do.

My question is why are you trying to change your mother at age 92? I am sure she didn't just develop this way of looking at life, and if so, she to me is an exception.

How I wish my mom were alive and this would be listed as her "problem". My mother lived the same way as your mother because she was forced to do so. She raised 4 of use all by her lonesome while working hard and making the least amount of money last a long time.

By this she taught myself and my 3 older sisters to live the same way. Every single one of us have practiced her way of living and teaching us the value of work and of spending the payments for working.

One doesn't have to read many of my posts to see that while many see me as "cheap", I consider it as being "practical and frugal", and my concern is only what I think and what concerns those the closest to me.

Since I don't see anything about her having major physical health issues? It leaves me wondering why you are so concerned about how and on what she decides to spend her assets.

E.T.A. I did see where she does eat "moldy" food and with that I too would have a problem. Maybe you could visit her more often and toss out some foods without her being aware of it. Who buys her food for her? Is she completely and independently able to drive and buy her own groceries and other necessities?

[happygolfcartrider]

On 10/15/2014 hckynut said:

On 10/15/2014 Vivian said: My 92 year old mother is fortunate in that she has enough money to live very comfortably. My accountant husband analyzed her investments and she has more than enough even if she lives another 20 years. That's the good news. The bad news is Mom lives as if she were on her last dollar. We visited this past weekend and I realized that her lifelong frugality, the result of living through the Depression, has now become pathological cheapness. She eats spoiled and expired food. If something breaks, she refuses to fix it. When I intervene and buy her something new she puts it away and refuses to use it or she insists that I take it home. She goes to the dollar store and buys cheap cleaning supplies and never reads the directions, i.e., the product she bought had to be diluted and gloves were recommended when using it. She did neither. If there's a sale, she hoards. I counted 21 clothing detergents. Her garage is filled with paper products that could last a teenager a lifetime. She does not see that this is a problem, but when she reheated food for the fourth time and cooked up moldy strawberries, I begged her not to eat them. She says she has a cast iron stomach. I think she has developed an immunity. When my father was alive, he moderated my mother's behavior but with Dad gone Mom has become fixated on being as cheap as possible. I don't know what to do.

My question is why are you trying to change your mother at age 92? I am sure she didn't just develop this way of looking at life, and if so, she to me is an exception.

How I wish my mom were alive and this would be listed as her "problem". My mother lived the same way as your mother because she was forced to do so. She raised 4 of use all by her lonesome while working hard and making the least amount of money last a long time.

By this she taught myself and my 3 older sisters to live the same way. Every single one of us have practiced her way of living and teaching us the value of work and of spending the payments for working.

One doesn't have to read many of my posts to see that while many see me as "cheap", I consider it as being "practical and frugal", and my concern is only what I think and what concerns those the closest to me.

Since I don't see anything about her having major physical health issues? It leaves me wondering why you are so concerned about how and on what she decides to spend her assets.

E.T.A. I did see where she does eat "moldy" food and with that I too would have a problem. Maybe you could visit her more often and toss out some foods without her being aware of it. Who buys her food for her? Is she completely and independently able to drive and buy her own groceries and other necessities?

John, unfortunately it is not as easy as you suggest and to suggest that she is concerned with her Moms assets is a bit out of line. Unless you have lived with an elderly person that becomes this way it is hard to understand. My MIL was frugal all of her life but the last 10 years before she died were to say the least insane. Visiting more often and "cleaning" out the old food does no good at all. You can take all the food you can carry and they will still starve themselves saving it. You can take them out to eat and they save the food to take home. My MIL and FIN got so bad they had to go into a nursing facility they were so mal nourished and there was not one thing we could do about it and believe me we tried. The sickness in their mind takes hold. While they were in the facility and were ready to go home we went to clean out the drawers and closet. We found very old ripe bananas, crackers, cookies, milk, OJ and more hidden away.

This is not normal behavior and neither is the behavior of Vivian's Mom.

[Still Raining]

Sorry to hear about how your Mom. Having been through parents aging into their 90s, my reaction to the events is to think that perhaps your Mom isn't thinking very clearly. She may have been frugal in the past, but this seems to be not exactly logical now. I would wonder if she needs a higher level of supervision? It is so hard to see this happening isn't it? My best to you.

[AnikaBrodie]

Have you considered having your mother live with you? Before you say "it will never work" consider the possibilities. First of all you are fortunate to still have your mother alive at age 92. Secondly, from what you describe she needs to have much more attention and monitoring of her daily activities including, but not limited to, her daily nourishment. Perhaps you could share the responsibility with the brother you mentioned.

If living with you is out of the question, please consider assisted living. You reported she is financially stable so perhaps that might be an option. Your mother deserves to live in a safe environment, eating healthy foods and living her life as stress free as possible. Assisted living would also provide the socialization with staff and other residents that she obviously needs.

My father lived with DH and me for over 10 years. Indeed, there was an adjustment period for all of us but eventually everything worked out well. Later, a critical health crisis required admission to a hospital and subsequently a nursing home placement. As I'm sure you know the roles are often reversed; parents take care of us when we're young and we take care of parents when they are old. It's a selfless choice. albeit not an easy one. My mother had died in her early 50's; your mother is over forty years older than she was when she died.

So, I urge you to consider your options carefully. I hope you aren't offended by my post but "I've been there, done that" so who better to give you some potential options. I hope things work out in terms of your mother's well being and safety.

[Helen Bach]

Vivian, is there a Meals on Wheels or a In Gods Love We Deliver fresh, hot food service available where your mom lives? If so, maybe the daily delivery of food to her would be more attractive for her. It might not be cheapness but health issues or fear that drives her. Elder taste buds go thru changes. We won't know until we reach 92 but I can only imagine

[ROMARY]

Your brother needs to visit more, bring food, but not too-too much, so it won't have a chance to become moldy, expired. Seems as though they have been receiving way too much food all at once. Better that your brother 'drops by' with food that will last until his next visit, which should be much, much more often. That will solve the 'expired' and moldy food problem.

[ROMARY]

p.s. Years ago, I knew a very nice, thrifty senior lady whose hall closet was completely filled top to bottom with toilet paper (all sale priced). Buying items on sale made her happy.