Re: Downsizing and family members want nothing adv... - Page 11

mousiegirl · ‎03-09-2010

@bonnielu wrote:
Another poster triggered a question. I am slowing getting rid of STUFF. But of course what I value no family member values. THEY WANT NOTHING and we are talking about four grown daughters. They say they have their own things and don't want mine. Of course my things are what I got from my mother and grandmother, furniture that you cannot kill... made very well. China, silver, crystal, jewelry... so many things over time that I took from others or collected myself. It hurts that I cannot get anyone to do what I did and that is gladly receive what was handed over to me.

Auction houses charge to pick it up and the value is cents on the dollar so I am told. Inside I hurt and feel betrayed in a way. I guess I will get over it.

What did you do if you had this happen to you. What should I do. It is only a matter of time that I will be OUT OF HERE and in a smaller place.

@bonnielu I have told DD that if there is anything she doesn't want, sell it, but as of now, she likes what I have, though not interested in such things at the age of twenty.

dmod nj · ‎10-04-2011

@RubyinNE wrote:
We're moving. We will be close to Chatham and Madison. My daughter works in NYC. Yes, we'll be very close to family. Can't wait!

@RubyinNE Ruby, WELCOME TO JERSEY!! You are now a Jersey Girl!! I hope all goes smoothly and easily with the move. We'll be neighbors. I'll wave to you from the front porch. lol I hope you love living here as much as I do! Enjoy being near your family.

You can take the girl out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the girl. Jersey Girl living in CNY.

sunshine45 · ‎03-09-2010

@Snicks1 wrote:
First I will say that I am not overly sentimental about stuff. So, this will not be what some of the more sentimental here will agree on, but it's my 2 cents worth. I do have an item from each of my parents (those were given to me by my mom before she passed and I do value them greatly), I also have an item from each of my maternal grandparents, which I also value highly. My paternal grandparents passed long before I was born and lived far from where my parents lived, so there was nothing that belonged to them in our home as I was growing up. When my mother passed I did not want anything else, other than photos. Her style and mine were not the same and, I did not have room to store items that I would never use. My siblings all felt the same way. Everything was sold at auction, and after all final expenses were taken care of (I was the executor) the money was divided equally among all of us, along with the rest of the estate. What I do now, with my daughters (have no sons) and my grandchildren is, if I want to dispose of something in my home that has any value, I ask them if they want it, and give it to them now. I also give them things that they mention they really like or would like to have. They go home with it, on the spot. I have gifted them with sets of dishware, some furniture, decor items, etc., too much to list, and I can honestly say I never missed any of it for a minute. Believe me, when I go there will still be too much to be gone through and disposed of to for someone. Sometimes I look at a particular area (storage) and think I don't want anyone to have to go through this 'stuff', so I go through and thin it out, a little more each time. I hope at some point only to have what is used regularly, or on display left for family to deal with at that time. Or, as in the OP's case, if I downsize again, it will be so much more manageable for me.

@Snicks1

my mother started her "downsizing" once my father died. she went through a lot of his things and his "collections" and let a lot go. he had so many photographs of people and places......and she had no idea just who they were or where the location was. yes, she got rid of those also. unfortunately he had never marked a lot of his photographs or slides. she has a large home. there is pretty much no way that any of us could use everything she has......beautiful items, but no space, different styles, and some things are just not practical.

whenever my daughters admire a piece of her jewelry she usually either says to them that this will be yours when i am gone OR she gives it to them. they are young adults and they are already accumulating a nice jewelry collection......real and costume.

my brother and sister and i have a few items marked that we are interested in. the bulk of her things though will go through an estate sale.

she has a lot of fine silver and china. i encouraged her to use them and not save them all for special occasions. when she eats her dinner or when we eat together at her house we use the good silver now. she can enjoy it every day without having it "put away" for thanksgiving or christmas. we use the good crystal when we make a cocktail or have a glass of wine. it isnt just saved for a special occasion. every day can be made into a special occasion.

she has realized that her treasured "stuff", newer and older, may not go to anyone in the family and she has made peace with that.

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." - Albert Einstein

bonnielu · ‎03-11-2010

I want to thank everyone for their replies. I am aware that no one would want THE FURNITURE. lt is antique, well made, ornate and collected over time. Some from my mother who collected and some from my grandmother. I even have furniture my daughters did not want as they moved. Looking over it all I don't believe I personally had to buy much myself. So I will chalk it up to be being kind to take and use it.. and leave it there.

What I really hoped they would want was my silver, my crystal and my china.

Also I thought perhaps they would want jewelry. Doesn't look like it. I also have some paintings that might have value. I am planning to contact an auction house and get what I can get from it.

I just am disappointed. My mindset was to take what was given to me and be thankful for the "contribution."

Drythe · ‎07-09-2011

@Nomore wrote:
I look at this from my own life. Things I wanted when I set up my first household, my mother would not part with even if she was tired of it. So I bought what I wanted and I now have what I say a house full. Decades later, when my mother died, my sisters gave me the things I had wanted all those years ago, but didn't need/want them now, regardless of the value. It is too late, I am in the process of downsizing my things.

Learning from that experience, when my son was setting up his first place, I gave him everything he wanted from my stuff, regardless if I was still using it or not. It felt good to give him the things on his terms and time. I know he is using it all. Same thing goes for my daughter. She still lives at home, but has planned for moving out. Whatever she wants and she wants a lot of my stuff, she can have it all. I don't have to worry about the antiques, china, etc. when we move on from this house. I know both kids appreciate the things when they get it when they want it. I don't want them to wait until I die, let them have it and use it now.

This is true from my own experience also. I think timing is a major part of this process. When DH & I started out we had nothing, poor, I mean poor grad. students. Even though both sets of parents were still in their "big" homes they offered us whatever we wanted. We have always had MILs beautiful dining room table and chairs and beautiful armchairs and buffet from my parents. So, as we've built our home we have been able to blend those family pieces into our (my) Deco, Asian style.

If it were now, the story would be very different. We have our own things with memories and no doubt wouldn't have room.

I hope you find good homes for your treasures. If not, don't mourn them, sell them and use the funds to travel!

"Animals are not my whole world, but they have made my world whole" ~ Roger Caras

RubyinNE · ‎03-10-2010

Close to South Orange. I think that's considered North East Central NJ. It's very close to my daughter, son in law and grandkids.

Burnsite · ‎03-10-2010

bonnielu, I haven't read all the posts so perhaps this has already been suggested. Are you near any consignment shops? These are very common in S Florida--places that sell your furniture, taking a percentage of the profit but also displaying the furniture in a showroom.

That way, the piece goes to a decorator who needs it for staging or a room, or a newly arrived snowbird furnishing a condo. It goes to someone who appreciates it.

As you are downsizing a whole house, it might be worthwhile to consign the best pieces if no one in the family wants them.

My house is about half and half, because I got my mother's furniture when she died many years ago. I am thinking about a major move back to New England and it won't all go with me. Some of the nieces and nephews might have a need for some of the furniture, but I may consign some larger pieces.

Mum's things are French provincial, hardly the "Pottery Barn" look popular now, but I bet it will come into fashion again in time. (Not the "Beverly Hillbillies" French provincial with gilding and stuff, country French in regular wood.)

Personally, I like Asian furniture (old wooden chests, an armoire, etc from 19th c. China) so my tiny little house has a split personality. I like it that way.

I like paying bills at my mother's dining room table, where she used to pay her bills. It makes me smile to gaze upon her insanely uncomfortable (though elegant) sofa.

She collected china, and I just use it, in seasonal rotation. I have my own collection of Asian china (Japanese kutani), so even the table has a split personality. The two styles blend somehow but it may be b/c I still "feel" my mother's presence so clearly in her choices.

Gradually I am making decisions about what will stay and what I will move. If I consign the furniture and it sells (a big "if") I would donate the money to the American Heart Association in her name.

I do think my twentysomething nieces and nephews may want a piece or two as well; they are beginning to settle down in life and are at the "furniture acquisition" stage.